It's your own fault running, holding diamonds
Tonight's been a good night. The day was a bit worse, reg. my co-workers and all that stuff - they upped their bitchiness, as they seem to do on a day by day basis - but the evening was swell. We finished work very early (before 5pm) and then the girl I'm living with talked me into having some Whiskey with her, which I did, and we got tipsy and smoked and ate and had a pleasant time, basically. But by tomorrow, I know everything will be back to normal, so bleh. Feels like it counts for nothing.
Things like that make it all the much harder for me to quit my job. I'm walking around each day, building up this dread for it -- I really like my boss. He's fair and square and genuinelly cares, so resigning to him will feel a bit like when you disappoint a friend, you know? It was easier last time when I didn't like my boss. This time, however, it's not him I have a problem with, not even really my tasks... it's the two wicked witches I'm working with. As soon as they find out, they're gonna be pissier than yellow snow to me -- as if their attitudes weren't already beyond thunder and clouds. I'm gonna have to walk around with them for a month after (it's the standard notice time for a job like this) being bullied out, all-the-time nabbed at. Multiple yays, anyone? I think not.
At the same time, quitting my job, moving back down to Malmoe, getting a job there and a place to live, some place to stable up my horse... it's my current dream. It's what I want. I honestly feel like it's the best, and only, step in a direction that's been a long time coming -- of finding happiness again.
Don't I deserve to be happy? Why do I constantly have to keep everyone else in regards so damned much? I've tried doing that for the better part of my life, and you know what.... the happiest time of my life was when I didn't. When I didn't care about what I said and who I said it to, when I minded no one else's shit but my own, when I didn't take on everyone else's problems and made them my own... I remember being happy then. I remember emotions. Letting go of some people and thier shit... it may be worth it. I guess the question is if they are worth holding onto -- and the truth is, many aren't. Each to their own, right? This world wasn't built by unity, but not for it. Hmm.
I've tried being nice to people and for them for such a long time now, constantly subconsciously expecting that life would give me something back for it, maybe one day... but the fucking cold and bitter truth is that it doesn't. You don't get anything back for it. There's no plus and minus side at the end of the road, where your good and bad will be weighed up, measured and then you'll be rewarded/punished. My brother said this is because I'm surrounding (and have -ed) myself with the wrong people, but can that constantly happen? Can most of all the people in my life the recent 6 years all be bad? I mean, it can't be about all of the people then... it has to be me.
In addition, I'm thinking about stuff that in some way involves the computer, the net: what's keeping me here and so. The reason why I'm using it, what for and why. Here's some cold facts:
- I don't chat much anymore. Maybe it's a matter of ill timing and bad clashing schedueles more than anything else, but that's also not entirely the reason. The people whom I used to chat with the most - and I'm sorry for any insensitiveness if you guys are reading this - I feel like I don't click with them like I used to. I don't know what's changed... maybe it's the worst thing of all.
Maybe it's me.
- I don't read much anymore. Before, I used to read tons of fanfic, and if not that, the entries over at TI kept me busy and my mind occupied. Now the cloest thing to reading anything online I come is, apart from my flist, reading my friggin' horoscope.
But most importantly --
- I don't write anymore. Before, I always wrote something each day: be it a skit, a "short" post on TI (1500ish words in the least) or just a random inspired piece. Nowadays -- the latest occasion when I wrote something isn't in my mind anymore. I miss writing terribly. It's my biggest passion in life, my true love and what I breathe for; it even surmounts the horses... everyone has that thing, that something, they feel they're good at -- now, I don't even have that. And if I don't have that... I don't have me.
But who the fuck knows. Maybe I'm just talking horseshit (hah!) right now because I've got so much in my mind that I gotta spill some of it somewhere and I just took it out on you. And Damien Rice doesn't make it better.
I feel like I should write a small disclaimer that I'm usually a very optimistic person. But, as I've said before -- I'm a realistic optimist. Guess the 'realism' part won over in this entry.
- I've eaten half a bag of almonds. I almost feel sick, but THEY'RE LIKE FRIGGIN CANDY.
- Yes, I know I need to watch The Office already. I will I will.
I need to know if you were real, because I've been known to get it wrong some times.
(just... aaw)
- OMG BLAST FROM THE PAST. I did not remember that Amy Jo Johnson was one of the Rangers! (the yellow one was my fav anyway, so) I used to love this show :D
- For all you Perezcious readers out there (and just anyone who loves music): here's Nelly Furtado's duet with Keith Urban: In God's Hands
Remember who's your melody mama, lmao.
Question: If I were to start that music blog I'm thinking about, is there anyone who'd feel up to making me a graphic/header for it? Also - though I've got some in my mind already - do you have any name suggestions?