Ouch.
Sometimes I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is usually associated with me being worried. That worry is usually the love child of being over-protective and over-analytical. I have been trying for quite some time now to remove these two less than attractive qualities from my personality, because when I allow these two things to run rampant, they cause my stomach pain and often times anxiety attacks. I haven't had an anxiety attack in a month or so, and it is nice to be able to feel like I am in control of myself, but there are some stimuli that always create that terrible feeling in me, and try as I might, I can't seem to seperate the stimuli from the anxiety. I've tried to remove the stimuli from my life as completely as possible, but it never works. God damn it I hate this feeling so much.
The funny thing about this situation is that I have no one to really talk to here at home, no real friends. I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings with anyone really, save two people, and neither of those two seem to be either willing or able to play the role of crying shoulder for a myriad amount of reasons. So instead of venting to one of them, I will vent to the vast void of nothingness that is the LJ community. I'm sure many of you will read this, and maybe one or two will say "chin up" or "I'm here for you", but the harsh reality is that the "out of sight, out of mind" principle hits home and hits home hard. We are all victims to this phenomenon, but it is something that I have had more experience with since leaving school. When you are on campus you have more "friends" than you had when you went to school there in the first place, and when you leave those people all disappear and you are alone again. Single serving friends. People that say "hey, what's up?" or "I haven't seen you in awhile, how are you?" don't really give a fuck that you are there or that you are not there, and it is bitter at best. Why is it that we can be so "connected" through the wonders of the digital age but the most contact I have with anyone from LU is writing snail mail. No IM's, no emails, no phone calls, nothing. God bless the internet for keeping us in touch so well. I think I feel more alone knowing that 15 or 20 people are on my buddy list every day and yet no one even Im's me to see how I am doing. I think I would rather not know that I am being ignored be people that are my friends, people that are my brothers, people that tell me they care about me and want to see me more often, because knowing that makes me feel like there isn't a place on this earth that could be lower than the ground on which I stand, alone.
P.S. Pity replies are not encouraged, this is simply me shouting at the sky. What I hope for is that this entry leads to some genuine conversations between friends, not pertaining solely to me and my plight.
The funny thing about this situation is that I have no one to really talk to here at home, no real friends. I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings with anyone really, save two people, and neither of those two seem to be either willing or able to play the role of crying shoulder for a myriad amount of reasons. So instead of venting to one of them, I will vent to the vast void of nothingness that is the LJ community. I'm sure many of you will read this, and maybe one or two will say "chin up" or "I'm here for you", but the harsh reality is that the "out of sight, out of mind" principle hits home and hits home hard. We are all victims to this phenomenon, but it is something that I have had more experience with since leaving school. When you are on campus you have more "friends" than you had when you went to school there in the first place, and when you leave those people all disappear and you are alone again. Single serving friends. People that say "hey, what's up?" or "I haven't seen you in awhile, how are you?" don't really give a fuck that you are there or that you are not there, and it is bitter at best. Why is it that we can be so "connected" through the wonders of the digital age but the most contact I have with anyone from LU is writing snail mail. No IM's, no emails, no phone calls, nothing. God bless the internet for keeping us in touch so well. I think I feel more alone knowing that 15 or 20 people are on my buddy list every day and yet no one even Im's me to see how I am doing. I think I would rather not know that I am being ignored be people that are my friends, people that are my brothers, people that tell me they care about me and want to see me more often, because knowing that makes me feel like there isn't a place on this earth that could be lower than the ground on which I stand, alone.
P.S. Pity replies are not encouraged, this is simply me shouting at the sky. What I hope for is that this entry leads to some genuine conversations between friends, not pertaining solely to me and my plight.