Things never change.
It has definitely been a while. I always seem to come back when I need to figure out how I feel and what I think.
I feel so confused, tired, frustrated.
Life is so beautiful. Just look at the sky, talk to someone you love. It's undeniably beautiful, but I still feel unhappy right now. I hate that I feel frustrated, especially when I completely cognizant of the fact that I have nothing in my life even worthy of complaint. It's all trivial. Yet I still feel grumpy (and I know this is due to lack of sleep, but still). I am disgusted with myself for complaining.
My mom came up yesterday and took me and Mindy out to dinner. My mom really just breaks my heart because she is so wonderful and loving. Even having such love in my life, such amazing family and friends, I still find the need to bitch. Why is that? Why is it that when life's treating us well, we still find the need to complain? Then again, when life's not treating us well, isn't it true that we rarely actually complain about what's actually worthy of complaint?
I just can't take this semester anymore. I have finally worn myself out. I can't study anymore. I can't take all of this self-imposed pressure to take everything on. I have put too much on my plate. I can never seem to tell people that I can't do anything more. It's as if I am afraid of telling people I can't do something- that is, if that something's measured success reflects effort. I hate to tell someone that I cannot complete a given task, as if it shows weakness of heart. I always sacrifice all of the personal aspects (not sleeping, putting off personal homework, not putting time into friendships, etc). Am I too proud to admit that I can't take everything on? I've never considered myself to be proud, but maybe I am. This semester it's finally coming to the point where I can't do it anymore. Maybe it's a good thing to come to this point- maybe it will force me to change, forcing me to mature... to grow as I realize my limits. I feel like I am giving a few things a half-hearted effort and I hate that, absolutely hate it. I am even more disturbed with myself for agreeing to take on more activities after coming to this realization. Guess I haven't learned yet.
I know we're in college and we're expected to be confused about our futures, but I feel so lost. I know I am passionate about public health and the prevention of infectious diseases in third-world countries. I know that in order to effect change and for my voice to be heard, I need an MD, not just an MPH. I would also like to have the authority to provide medication and treatment for people in these countries, it's not just for the degree. But I am so afraid of losing sight of this desire pursue global health. I am afraid that I will forget, that the desire for a family and the need for stability, retirement, etc will blind me. I am afraid that I will get sucked in to this awful mentality- that all I will do is study and that I'll be unhappy doing it. I am afraid that in pursuing these dreams, I will push away relationships. I will not let those I love know that I love them. I fear I will become a doctor watching the clock, that I will be more interested in seeing more patients than I will be in spending time with each one of them. But I also realize that I can't let fear of becoming a misguided, distant doctor keep me from doing something I would do with compassion, something needed in the field. It's so hard to remind myself of this. It's so hard to keep myself from saying screw it- I've never loved science, I can't stand studying all of the time, why not just quit? You don't have to have a medical background to go into public health, but to really be able to help those in third world countries, I do. It's so hard to tell myself that I need the MD, that I won't be wasting 8 years of time that could be spent in the Peace Corps or in an MPH program or in Africa educating about HIV. It's so hard to remind myself that I'll be more capable in the long run if I just stick it out. I'm almost done with the hardest class and I only have three science classes left of undergrad.
Now I am even more mad at myself for still being up when I should either be in bed to make up for last night or writing my lab report so I don't have to get up early in the morning. I hate that I am so hard on myself, that I worry about everything. I hate that I replay conversations in my head and hope that what I said wasn't misconstrued as rude. I hate that I feel guilty about everything. If something's wrong and someone could be blamed, I usually just blame myself. If someone does the same quality of work as me, I'll honestly feel that they did a fine job, but be mad at myself because I could have done better. I hate that I expect so much out of myself and that there's no reason. I have no pressure from my parents, but I still act like this, that I am so hard on myself. It's really ridiculous. I know I am a good person. I know that I give my all, that I am compassionate, but I still find the negative things.
Okay, now I feel a million times better. I need to go to bed.
I feel so confused, tired, frustrated.
Life is so beautiful. Just look at the sky, talk to someone you love. It's undeniably beautiful, but I still feel unhappy right now. I hate that I feel frustrated, especially when I completely cognizant of the fact that I have nothing in my life even worthy of complaint. It's all trivial. Yet I still feel grumpy (and I know this is due to lack of sleep, but still). I am disgusted with myself for complaining.
My mom came up yesterday and took me and Mindy out to dinner. My mom really just breaks my heart because she is so wonderful and loving. Even having such love in my life, such amazing family and friends, I still find the need to bitch. Why is that? Why is it that when life's treating us well, we still find the need to complain? Then again, when life's not treating us well, isn't it true that we rarely actually complain about what's actually worthy of complaint?
I just can't take this semester anymore. I have finally worn myself out. I can't study anymore. I can't take all of this self-imposed pressure to take everything on. I have put too much on my plate. I can never seem to tell people that I can't do anything more. It's as if I am afraid of telling people I can't do something- that is, if that something's measured success reflects effort. I hate to tell someone that I cannot complete a given task, as if it shows weakness of heart. I always sacrifice all of the personal aspects (not sleeping, putting off personal homework, not putting time into friendships, etc). Am I too proud to admit that I can't take everything on? I've never considered myself to be proud, but maybe I am. This semester it's finally coming to the point where I can't do it anymore. Maybe it's a good thing to come to this point- maybe it will force me to change, forcing me to mature... to grow as I realize my limits. I feel like I am giving a few things a half-hearted effort and I hate that, absolutely hate it. I am even more disturbed with myself for agreeing to take on more activities after coming to this realization. Guess I haven't learned yet.
I know we're in college and we're expected to be confused about our futures, but I feel so lost. I know I am passionate about public health and the prevention of infectious diseases in third-world countries. I know that in order to effect change and for my voice to be heard, I need an MD, not just an MPH. I would also like to have the authority to provide medication and treatment for people in these countries, it's not just for the degree. But I am so afraid of losing sight of this desire pursue global health. I am afraid that I will forget, that the desire for a family and the need for stability, retirement, etc will blind me. I am afraid that I will get sucked in to this awful mentality- that all I will do is study and that I'll be unhappy doing it. I am afraid that in pursuing these dreams, I will push away relationships. I will not let those I love know that I love them. I fear I will become a doctor watching the clock, that I will be more interested in seeing more patients than I will be in spending time with each one of them. But I also realize that I can't let fear of becoming a misguided, distant doctor keep me from doing something I would do with compassion, something needed in the field. It's so hard to remind myself of this. It's so hard to keep myself from saying screw it- I've never loved science, I can't stand studying all of the time, why not just quit? You don't have to have a medical background to go into public health, but to really be able to help those in third world countries, I do. It's so hard to tell myself that I need the MD, that I won't be wasting 8 years of time that could be spent in the Peace Corps or in an MPH program or in Africa educating about HIV. It's so hard to remind myself that I'll be more capable in the long run if I just stick it out. I'm almost done with the hardest class and I only have three science classes left of undergrad.
Now I am even more mad at myself for still being up when I should either be in bed to make up for last night or writing my lab report so I don't have to get up early in the morning. I hate that I am so hard on myself, that I worry about everything. I hate that I replay conversations in my head and hope that what I said wasn't misconstrued as rude. I hate that I feel guilty about everything. If something's wrong and someone could be blamed, I usually just blame myself. If someone does the same quality of work as me, I'll honestly feel that they did a fine job, but be mad at myself because I could have done better. I hate that I expect so much out of myself and that there's no reason. I have no pressure from my parents, but I still act like this, that I am so hard on myself. It's really ridiculous. I know I am a good person. I know that I give my all, that I am compassionate, but I still find the negative things.
Okay, now I feel a million times better. I need to go to bed.