fuck the subject
I don't know what the deal is, but I just feel lousy. I don't want to really go anywhere, I don't want to be around most people, I don't want to do this damned English essay, and I don't want to fold my clean clothes. I just feel like hell. I feel like such a fuck up, and it's not like there's anything I can do to change it. Most of the reasons I'm a loser aren't even my fault. But whatever. I hate school, as I have zero friends there. It's not that I don't try, just that nobody will do more than make small talk about the weather and such. And I stick out so badly there, for so many reasons. I hate it, but I can't afford to just transfer before I get my associate's.
But at least work doesn't totally suck. In fact, Saturday lessons went really well today. It was weird; I felt like I really knew what was going on and not like a rookie. I mean, I've had a grip on instructing for a while now, but this was different. I mean, we had a bunch of instructors not there today, so I was just grabbing clipboards and trying to figure out what classes we needed to cover and who was going to be able to cover them. Taylor had never taught the classes she was covering, so I was quickly breaking down what she needed to know for each level for her. I guess it's like I really saw how far I've come there since June when I had no clue what to do and how things worked. It was a pretty cool feeling.
But being the loser I am, it went down the tubes by the time I got home. Again, whatever. I'm totally apathetic. Don't care.
I got to hang out with Brittany last night, which I definitely needed. There was a lot I needed to get off my chest and hadn't otherwise had the chance to. Sometimes you just need to say things out loud. There are a couple other things, though, that I still need to figure out before I can say them out loud. Ick. Wish I understood myself.
And now, even though it is super early, I think I'm going to crash, because I feel like crap and I'm really tired. So, good night, folks.
But at least work doesn't totally suck. In fact, Saturday lessons went really well today. It was weird; I felt like I really knew what was going on and not like a rookie. I mean, I've had a grip on instructing for a while now, but this was different. I mean, we had a bunch of instructors not there today, so I was just grabbing clipboards and trying to figure out what classes we needed to cover and who was going to be able to cover them. Taylor had never taught the classes she was covering, so I was quickly breaking down what she needed to know for each level for her. I guess it's like I really saw how far I've come there since June when I had no clue what to do and how things worked. It was a pretty cool feeling.
But being the loser I am, it went down the tubes by the time I got home. Again, whatever. I'm totally apathetic. Don't care.
I got to hang out with Brittany last night, which I definitely needed. There was a lot I needed to get off my chest and hadn't otherwise had the chance to. Sometimes you just need to say things out loud. There are a couple other things, though, that I still need to figure out before I can say them out loud. Ick. Wish I understood myself.
And now, even though it is super early, I think I'm going to crash, because I feel like crap and I'm really tired. So, good night, folks.