L.I.F.E
so for anyone who doesn't know, this year has been an extremely rough, life altering year. the majority of people in my life dont even know everything that i have gone through, & i prefer to keep it that way because some things people just dont need to know about. since tonight is the start of the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana, I feel now is the perfect time to express the changes & new beginnings i would like for the next year & future in general. I am slowly becoming very independant, & today when my lovely mother decided to call & scream at me for something she & i had already discussed & moved on from, she told me that now i have to pay ALL of my bills with no help from her. well, alrighty then. I will figure out a way to make bank. I just want to hear it from her anymore, so ill definatly find a way. Ive had a falling out with my "religion" this year, something thats been waiting to happen for a while. I need help spiritually, but i know i am currently not interested in the church. i have had enough of it shoved down my throat. im not hating on God or Jesus, just the place that we are told to worship them at. I have learned much about relationships this year. Friendship is very important to me. I love my friends. I enjoy spending time with my friends. I value what my friends think about the decisions I make in my life. I love being inspired. I love smiling. I love laughter. I love LOVE. I have made many mistakes in my life, & I will make many more. But slowly I am learning & trying to become a better person. It will take time. I need support from those I love, not critism. Overall, I feel I have led a good life. Just sometimes I need reassurance because my mother yells at me as if I have ruined myself as well as been a bad daughter. Am I really that awful? I have hid things from my mother because I just wasnt comfortable talking to her about them. I love my mother & knew she wouldn't agree with some of my decisions. So I talked about my decisions with friends. I couldn't lie to my mother anymore, so I told her stuff I knew she couldn't handle hearing. Like I knew she would, she lashed out at me. Then finally, we talked about it. I thought we got closer & worked through it. But my mom likes to hold a grudge & she is still carrying on about everything & it just makes me feel worse inside. She is wondering why I'm not calling her all the time like I used to. It's because I am tired of the accusations & lack of trust from both of us. She can't trust me, I can't trust her. Why would I want to talk to someone who calls me & I never know when I answer if she is going to be sweet or scream at me?! I feel lost. I want to lead a good life but I need my mom's support...
I guess I'm on my own.
I guess I'm on my own.