my favorite mad tv sketches
(Tourist Guide and Tourists walk up to a British guard who is guarding the palace)
Tourist Guide: As you can see, dignity is a very important part of being a palace guard. They're not allowed to talk, laugh or even smile. Just between you and me, I don't think they're allowed to use mouth wash either. Now, who's up for some authentic British boiled potatoes?
(All tourists raise hands)
Tourist Guide: Right this way (They all walk away)
(Note: The camera is now from the British Guards point of view)
Antonia: (comes into view) Hello. Can't laugh, huh? That's sad. Betchya I can make you laugh. It is possible. I'll make a funny face. (has a face that looks like she's about to sneeze)
(British Guard stays strict)
Antonia: (with a glass of water) Spit take! (sips water then spits it into guards face) ... I have a joke for you. Knock knock!
Antonia's hand: Who's there?
Antonia: Who's there who?
Antonia's hand: Who's there who who?
Antonia: Who's there who who who?
Antonia's hand: Who's there who who who who?
Antonia: Get it? It's an owl. Oh ... (pretends to be in a sail boat and rows her way across view) Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, OW, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow ... (on top of guard looking down)
(British Guard gasps)
Antonia: Scared Ya! ... (Antonia is in top hat and has a cane and dances across view cery fast and hyperly) ... (Walks up to Guard and uses hand to to pretend she's got his nose) Got your nose! (sad look) Oh well, I tried. So long! (walks away sad)
British Guard: (giggling) She's got my nose, ha!
Antonia: (comes back) Busted!!
(British Guard goes back to serious face) (Antonia walks out)
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(Doreen walks up to Woman's house and realizes Stuart isn't there with her)
Doreen: STUUAART! Stuart, you get out of the street!
(Stuart, in a spiderman costume, walks over with wax lips in mouth)
Doreen: Stuart! I told you to stay right next to mama! Awee, where'd you get those wax lips?
Stuart: I found 'em in the street.
Doreen: Well, oh no you don't. They're dirty!
Stuart: No, I want 'em.
Doreen: Stuart, you take those out. They've been in the street.
(Stuart shoves wax lips in mouth and chews on them)
Doreen: Awooo! For heaven's sake. He's such a hungry boy. He must be having a growth spurt.
Woman: Wow. It looks like he had a couple of those already. Wow. Look at you. What a nice little costume...
Stuart: Doooon't!
Doreen: I don't know. It looks a littel snug. Stuart, is that snug around your GooGoo?
Stuart: I dunno.
Doreen: Well, listen to me... (to woman) You don't wanna hear about his GooGoo, do you?
Woman: No! I don't.
Doreen: Of course you don't. No!
(Stuart is pulling on his 'danger zone')
Doreen: (to Stuart) Well, now, Stuart, why are you pulling on your GooGoo? Look at you! You're pullin' on your GooGoo!
Stuart: I don't wanna say!
Doreen: Now, do you have to go to the bathroom, honey?
Stuart: I don't wanna say!
Doreen: I swear, he's bigger than his bladder. You don't mind if he uses your bathroom, do you?
Woman: Well, um...
Doreen: You don't mind, of course. Now, Stuart, what do you have to do in there? Honey, which one? Tell mama.
Stuart: I don't wanna say!
Doreen: Well, which one, Stuart?!
Stuart: I have to make brown bubbles.
Doreen: Then we better hurry. C'mon, you don't mind, do you? (walk into house) C'mon Stuart, you gotta hurry up.
(Woman points where bathroom is)
Doreen: Now, go on. Scoot!
Stuart: Don't!
Doreen: Scoot!
Stuart: Let me do it! Look what I can do! (does a hyper dance) (walks into bathroom)
Doreen: Awwwwe. He must like you. He doesn't do that for everybody.
Woman: I feel so lucky.
Doreen: Well, I'd be a lot luckier if it makes it to the pooper on time.
Woman: Maybe I should go and get him.
Doreen: Oh, don't worry. I'll get him out for ya. STTUUART! Hurry up, Stuart! C'mon!
(Stuart comes out with a thong over costume)
Woman: Oh, god. Um--
Doreen: Stuart! Now, where did you get those underpants?
Stuart: I found 'em on the floor.
Woman: They're my husbands!
Doreen: Now, Stuart, you take those off right now. They're not yours!
Stuart: No, I wanna wear 'em home.
Doreen: Stuart, that is stealing. Now, you take off those underpants.
Stuart: No, I wanna wear 'em home.
Doreen: Stuart, you give those back to the lady. Those are not your underpants.
Stuart: (on floor, tries to kick Doreen away) I wanna wear 'em home.
Doreen: You can't take those!
Stuart: I wanna wear 'em home.
Doreen: Gimme the underpants.
Woman: You know what? It's okay. It's okay. You know what? He can have 'em. He can have the underpants. Okay? You can have 'em, Stuart. Happy Halloween.
Stuart: (pushes her away) Dooon't!
Doreen: Oh, okay. You win. You can keep the underpants, but no candy!
Stuart: (gets up) No, I want some candy!
Doreen: Well, that's too bad. That's too bad. You made your bed and you can lie in it.
Stuart: Noo! I wanna stay for candy!
Doreen: Let's go!
Stuart: I wanna stay for candy.
Doreen: No, we're going home.
Stuart: I wanna stay for candy
Doreen: (tries to move him) C'mon, Stuart! We gotta go!
Stuart: I wanna stay for candy.
Woman: You know. It's all right--
Stuart: I wanna stay for candy.
woman: Okay, Stuart?
Stuart: I wanna stay for candy.
Woman: Okay. Stuart, you can have one peice of candy and then you can go home.
Doreen: Awwe. Okay. Just pick one piece of candy and lets go, Stuart.
(Woman puts out candy bowl, while Stuart looks)
Doreen: Well, Stuart! Pick one!
Stuart: I don't know which one I want yet!
Doreen: Just pick one. Look, they're all they same.
Stuart: Let me do it. Let me do it.
Doreen: Then pick one!
Stuart: Let me do it.
Doreen: Pick a candy!
Stuart: Let me do it. Let me do it.
Doreen: Stuart, they're all the same. Let's do this.
Stuart: Let me do it. Let me do it. (takes a couple candies and sticks them in mouth)
Doreen: STUART! Just one is all you need! Don't you do that! (pulls on Stuart, getting him out of house) You're gonna get scorts all night long.
Stuart: Look what I can do! (does a hyper dance and leaves)
Doreen: Stuart, you come right now.
(They both leave)
(Woman walks back in house and sets down candy when there is a knock at the door) (Woman opens door, to reveal Antonia, who has feathers on head)
Woman: Hi! Trick or Treat!
Antonia: Hello!
Woman: So, who are you supposed to be?
Antonia: I don't know.
Woman: You look like a bunny. Are you a bunny?
Antonia: It is possible.
Woman: Trick or treat. Would you like some candy?
Antonia: I have a cat named CeCe.
(Woman just dumps the whole bowl of candy into Antonia's bag and shuts door)
Antonia: That's the motherload. (walks away)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
OMG MADTV IS THE GREATEST!
Tourist Guide: As you can see, dignity is a very important part of being a palace guard. They're not allowed to talk, laugh or even smile. Just between you and me, I don't think they're allowed to use mouth wash either. Now, who's up for some authentic British boiled potatoes?
(All tourists raise hands)
Tourist Guide: Right this way (They all walk away)
(Note: The camera is now from the British Guards point of view)
Antonia: (comes into view) Hello. Can't laugh, huh? That's sad. Betchya I can make you laugh. It is possible. I'll make a funny face. (has a face that looks like she's about to sneeze)
(British Guard stays strict)
Antonia: (with a glass of water) Spit take! (sips water then spits it into guards face) ... I have a joke for you. Knock knock!
Antonia's hand: Who's there?
Antonia: Who's there who?
Antonia's hand: Who's there who who?
Antonia: Who's there who who who?
Antonia's hand: Who's there who who who who?
Antonia: Get it? It's an owl. Oh ... (pretends to be in a sail boat and rows her way across view) Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, OW, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow ... (on top of guard looking down)
(British Guard gasps)
Antonia: Scared Ya! ... (Antonia is in top hat and has a cane and dances across view cery fast and hyperly) ... (Walks up to Guard and uses hand to to pretend she's got his nose) Got your nose! (sad look) Oh well, I tried. So long! (walks away sad)
British Guard: (giggling) She's got my nose, ha!
Antonia: (comes back) Busted!!
(British Guard goes back to serious face) (Antonia walks out)
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(Doreen walks up to Woman's house and realizes Stuart isn't there with her)
Doreen: STUUAART! Stuart, you get out of the street!
(Stuart, in a spiderman costume, walks over with wax lips in mouth)
Doreen: Stuart! I told you to stay right next to mama! Awee, where'd you get those wax lips?
Stuart: I found 'em in the street.
Doreen: Well, oh no you don't. They're dirty!
Stuart: No, I want 'em.
Doreen: Stuart, you take those out. They've been in the street.
(Stuart shoves wax lips in mouth and chews on them)
Doreen: Awooo! For heaven's sake. He's such a hungry boy. He must be having a growth spurt.
Woman: Wow. It looks like he had a couple of those already. Wow. Look at you. What a nice little costume...
Stuart: Doooon't!
Doreen: I don't know. It looks a littel snug. Stuart, is that snug around your GooGoo?
Stuart: I dunno.
Doreen: Well, listen to me... (to woman) You don't wanna hear about his GooGoo, do you?
Woman: No! I don't.
Doreen: Of course you don't. No!
(Stuart is pulling on his 'danger zone')
Doreen: (to Stuart) Well, now, Stuart, why are you pulling on your GooGoo? Look at you! You're pullin' on your GooGoo!
Stuart: I don't wanna say!
Doreen: Now, do you have to go to the bathroom, honey?
Stuart: I don't wanna say!
Doreen: I swear, he's bigger than his bladder. You don't mind if he uses your bathroom, do you?
Woman: Well, um...
Doreen: You don't mind, of course. Now, Stuart, what do you have to do in there? Honey, which one? Tell mama.
Stuart: I don't wanna say!
Doreen: Well, which one, Stuart?!
Stuart: I have to make brown bubbles.
Doreen: Then we better hurry. C'mon, you don't mind, do you? (walk into house) C'mon Stuart, you gotta hurry up.
(Woman points where bathroom is)
Doreen: Now, go on. Scoot!
Stuart: Don't!
Doreen: Scoot!
Stuart: Let me do it! Look what I can do! (does a hyper dance) (walks into bathroom)
Doreen: Awwwwe. He must like you. He doesn't do that for everybody.
Woman: I feel so lucky.
Doreen: Well, I'd be a lot luckier if it makes it to the pooper on time.
Woman: Maybe I should go and get him.
Doreen: Oh, don't worry. I'll get him out for ya. STTUUART! Hurry up, Stuart! C'mon!
(Stuart comes out with a thong over costume)
Woman: Oh, god. Um--
Doreen: Stuart! Now, where did you get those underpants?
Stuart: I found 'em on the floor.
Woman: They're my husbands!
Doreen: Now, Stuart, you take those off right now. They're not yours!
Stuart: No, I wanna wear 'em home.
Doreen: Stuart, that is stealing. Now, you take off those underpants.
Stuart: No, I wanna wear 'em home.
Doreen: Stuart, you give those back to the lady. Those are not your underpants.
Stuart: (on floor, tries to kick Doreen away) I wanna wear 'em home.
Doreen: You can't take those!
Stuart: I wanna wear 'em home.
Doreen: Gimme the underpants.
Woman: You know what? It's okay. It's okay. You know what? He can have 'em. He can have the underpants. Okay? You can have 'em, Stuart. Happy Halloween.
Stuart: (pushes her away) Dooon't!
Doreen: Oh, okay. You win. You can keep the underpants, but no candy!
Stuart: (gets up) No, I want some candy!
Doreen: Well, that's too bad. That's too bad. You made your bed and you can lie in it.
Stuart: Noo! I wanna stay for candy!
Doreen: Let's go!
Stuart: I wanna stay for candy.
Doreen: No, we're going home.
Stuart: I wanna stay for candy
Doreen: (tries to move him) C'mon, Stuart! We gotta go!
Stuart: I wanna stay for candy.
Woman: You know. It's all right--
Stuart: I wanna stay for candy.
woman: Okay, Stuart?
Stuart: I wanna stay for candy.
Woman: Okay. Stuart, you can have one peice of candy and then you can go home.
Doreen: Awwe. Okay. Just pick one piece of candy and lets go, Stuart.
(Woman puts out candy bowl, while Stuart looks)
Doreen: Well, Stuart! Pick one!
Stuart: I don't know which one I want yet!
Doreen: Just pick one. Look, they're all they same.
Stuart: Let me do it. Let me do it.
Doreen: Then pick one!
Stuart: Let me do it.
Doreen: Pick a candy!
Stuart: Let me do it. Let me do it.
Doreen: Stuart, they're all the same. Let's do this.
Stuart: Let me do it. Let me do it. (takes a couple candies and sticks them in mouth)
Doreen: STUART! Just one is all you need! Don't you do that! (pulls on Stuart, getting him out of house) You're gonna get scorts all night long.
Stuart: Look what I can do! (does a hyper dance and leaves)
Doreen: Stuart, you come right now.
(They both leave)
(Woman walks back in house and sets down candy when there is a knock at the door) (Woman opens door, to reveal Antonia, who has feathers on head)
Woman: Hi! Trick or Treat!
Antonia: Hello!
Woman: So, who are you supposed to be?
Antonia: I don't know.
Woman: You look like a bunny. Are you a bunny?
Antonia: It is possible.
Woman: Trick or treat. Would you like some candy?
Antonia: I have a cat named CeCe.
(Woman just dumps the whole bowl of candy into Antonia's bag and shuts door)
Antonia: That's the motherload. (walks away)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
OMG MADTV IS THE GREATEST!