Rant which became basis for comedy sketch
I was at the train station the other day, reading while waiting for the train, when some ...intrusion of tiny annoying wannabe scalls called me a nerd! Me! - ok, I was wearing a Tardis bobble hat, and superman jumper, and the book I was reading was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but...I’m not a nerd, I’m a geek!
Nerds are people who get turned on by a complex equation
Geeks, they get turned on by a complex storyline - and yes, this includes things like Doctor Who and Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
Their reaction when I told them off for their mistake and explained the difference was kinda funny though; I don’t think they were expecting me to speak, so when I started ranting at them, they just scattered! I was rather empowering; scaring them for a change!
But seriously, I am a proper geek.
And this geekiness kinda fits with one of my largest obsessions - books.
Right from when I was a kid I’ve always loved reading, never without a book. Even now, the minimum criteria for my handbags is being large enough to fit a minimum of 1 book in! Everything is booksized - probably why I don’t have a boyfriend. I mean, I was at a family party, and rather than interacting with people, I was sat in the corner reading. At one point, this lad; who obviously hadn’t met me before, came over and asked me to dance. This never happens to me, but rather than getting embarrassed, or even just saying yes, I waved at him and said I wanted to finish the chapter!
Honestly, I really REALLY love books, and there’s not much I don’t read. I love the escapism of it. I spend all day at work dealing with facts and seriousness, so I love to escape into a totally different world; Lord of the Rings, Sherlock Holmes, Harry Potter, the Bible - the more ridiculous and unlikely the better.
Incase you haven’t already realised, real geeks get kinda wound up about what you might consider ‘little things’. I don’t get would up by the troubles in Syria, or the shiny faced douchebag we call a PM; what really winds me up is BAD no TERRIBLE WRITING that suddenly becomes known as the bestest thing in the world evar!
Right now, this comes in the form of a 4 book series that has taken over the world and is destroying the minds of teenage girls everywhere. TWILIGHT.
For those of you who have been living in a box the last few years and thus are unaware of this phenomenon, basically, its a series aimed at teenage girls about a really annoying personality-free girl who falls for a vampire. But not a cool, tough, drain you dry, rip the head off a Chaos Demon, evil and soul-less vampire. Twilight vampires are angst-ridden outcasts, who go to school even though they’re 100’s of years old, are essentially the vampire version of vegan, despite being a vampire can go outside in the day, AND THE SUN MAKES THEM SPARKLE! I mean, what’s up with that?! And as I said, the girl is the most vacuous annoying - argh! She is so devoid of personality - so wooden SHE could probably stake a vamp! And this is the role model for our teenage girls? I dread to think.
As evidence of its terribleness, I will now analyse a BRIEF extract
EDWARD IN THE SUNLIGHT WAS SHOCKING.
Point one - vamp. Outside - in the daytime. Why isn’t he on fire?!
HIS SKIN, WHITE DESPITE THE FAINT FLUSH FROM YESTERDAY’S HUNTING TRIP,
Waaaaaaaait - he’s a vampire. He’s DEAD. He has no bloodflow. HOW IS HE FLUSHED?!
A PERFECT STATUE, CARVED IN SOME UNKNOWN STONE, SMOOTH LIKE MARBLE, GLITTERING LIKE CRYSTAL.
HOW is a stone unknown, but smooth LIKE MARBLE and glittering like CRYSTAL?!
Every other paragraph is about how beautiful and perfect Edward is. And this is the way she writes FOUR BOOKS.THESE BOOKS (shudder), they NEED to be burnt. To save the children!
AND not only is this series the most horrifically written drivel ever, and not only did it spawn an equally horrific movie franchise, but even worse - it inspired the creation of the latest series for women.
The shame and misfortune that is 50 Shades of Grey.
Like with Twilight, its pages and pages of vomit-worthy gushing about the sheer perfection of the male lead - "Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one". And, like Twlight, this goes for over several books. All she does is take the characterlessness of some of the crappiest characters ever created in teenage fiction, change their names, and add some kinky porn scenes. And somehow, this becomes an ‘erotic novel’ bestseller?! Its nothing better than bondage mummy porn! Some seriously freaky deaky stuff!
What really annoys about the 50 Shades series, even more than its terrible writing or even its very existence, is the fact that such an abomination is totally acceptable public reading. I mean, some 40 year old woman is sitting on a train essentially reading bondage porn, and no one so much as flinches. But if there was an old dude sitting there looking through Playboy or something; he’d probably get thrown off the train and called a perv! How is that fair?!
Nerds are people who get turned on by a complex equation
Geeks, they get turned on by a complex storyline - and yes, this includes things like Doctor Who and Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
Their reaction when I told them off for their mistake and explained the difference was kinda funny though; I don’t think they were expecting me to speak, so when I started ranting at them, they just scattered! I was rather empowering; scaring them for a change!
But seriously, I am a proper geek.
And this geekiness kinda fits with one of my largest obsessions - books.
Right from when I was a kid I’ve always loved reading, never without a book. Even now, the minimum criteria for my handbags is being large enough to fit a minimum of 1 book in! Everything is booksized - probably why I don’t have a boyfriend. I mean, I was at a family party, and rather than interacting with people, I was sat in the corner reading. At one point, this lad; who obviously hadn’t met me before, came over and asked me to dance. This never happens to me, but rather than getting embarrassed, or even just saying yes, I waved at him and said I wanted to finish the chapter!
Honestly, I really REALLY love books, and there’s not much I don’t read. I love the escapism of it. I spend all day at work dealing with facts and seriousness, so I love to escape into a totally different world; Lord of the Rings, Sherlock Holmes, Harry Potter, the Bible - the more ridiculous and unlikely the better.
Incase you haven’t already realised, real geeks get kinda wound up about what you might consider ‘little things’. I don’t get would up by the troubles in Syria, or the shiny faced douchebag we call a PM; what really winds me up is BAD no TERRIBLE WRITING that suddenly becomes known as the bestest thing in the world evar!
Right now, this comes in the form of a 4 book series that has taken over the world and is destroying the minds of teenage girls everywhere. TWILIGHT.
For those of you who have been living in a box the last few years and thus are unaware of this phenomenon, basically, its a series aimed at teenage girls about a really annoying personality-free girl who falls for a vampire. But not a cool, tough, drain you dry, rip the head off a Chaos Demon, evil and soul-less vampire. Twilight vampires are angst-ridden outcasts, who go to school even though they’re 100’s of years old, are essentially the vampire version of vegan, despite being a vampire can go outside in the day, AND THE SUN MAKES THEM SPARKLE! I mean, what’s up with that?! And as I said, the girl is the most vacuous annoying - argh! She is so devoid of personality - so wooden SHE could probably stake a vamp! And this is the role model for our teenage girls? I dread to think.
As evidence of its terribleness, I will now analyse a BRIEF extract
EDWARD IN THE SUNLIGHT WAS SHOCKING.
Point one - vamp. Outside - in the daytime. Why isn’t he on fire?!
HIS SKIN, WHITE DESPITE THE FAINT FLUSH FROM YESTERDAY’S HUNTING TRIP,
Waaaaaaaait - he’s a vampire. He’s DEAD. He has no bloodflow. HOW IS HE FLUSHED?!
A PERFECT STATUE, CARVED IN SOME UNKNOWN STONE, SMOOTH LIKE MARBLE, GLITTERING LIKE CRYSTAL.
HOW is a stone unknown, but smooth LIKE MARBLE and glittering like CRYSTAL?!
Every other paragraph is about how beautiful and perfect Edward is. And this is the way she writes FOUR BOOKS.THESE BOOKS (shudder), they NEED to be burnt. To save the children!
AND not only is this series the most horrifically written drivel ever, and not only did it spawn an equally horrific movie franchise, but even worse - it inspired the creation of the latest series for women.
The shame and misfortune that is 50 Shades of Grey.
Like with Twilight, its pages and pages of vomit-worthy gushing about the sheer perfection of the male lead - "Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one". And, like Twlight, this goes for over several books. All she does is take the characterlessness of some of the crappiest characters ever created in teenage fiction, change their names, and add some kinky porn scenes. And somehow, this becomes an ‘erotic novel’ bestseller?! Its nothing better than bondage mummy porn! Some seriously freaky deaky stuff!
What really annoys about the 50 Shades series, even more than its terrible writing or even its very existence, is the fact that such an abomination is totally acceptable public reading. I mean, some 40 year old woman is sitting on a train essentially reading bondage porn, and no one so much as flinches. But if there was an old dude sitting there looking through Playboy or something; he’d probably get thrown off the train and called a perv! How is that fair?!