Life and my many and varied issues.
Right.
Earlier this year I was officially diagnosed with depression.
The first batch of medication didn't help, so now I'm on Prozac.
Thought it was just a combo of too much at one....I mean, I'm weird as it is.....never been on a date @ 27, never had a boy/girlfriend, very few real friends who actually give a damn, the 'freak', the 'oversensitive one', the crybaby.....the list goes on
I do love chocolate a little more than most people, but I was eating more than normal...overeating really.
I was really unhappy in work - boss was not too nice, and it was becoming more and more obvious to other people the marked difference between how he treated me compared to some of my colleagues.
Also, my two best friends spent the last 12 months in and out of hospital. I made a point of going to see them in hospital when I could. I hate hospitals.
A close family friend also was in hospital....no longer in remission.
...Neither was my Aunt. She had to have a hysterectomy, part of her bowel removed and underwent chemotherapy.
Another family friend had a stroke. My DAD was in hospital!
The sister of one of my friends was very ill, another lost her nan. Another colleague lost her mother.
As all this was happening, I started to feel worse and worse...how dare I feel bad when all these people I care about are going through such worse!!!
Occassional passing thoughts about family/friends being better off without me being around is one thing, but when this became a weekly thing......
a friend of mine had confided in me about her own journey to the Dr, and talked me into going myself.
As I said, the first medication they tried didn't make me feel any better really....dry mouth, jittery, restless leg...I felt like a robot. It didn't stop my panic attacks (which I have always been prone to, but have had more this year than in the last 3) but I literally couldn't cry, even when really upset.
I've always hated how quickly I would get tearful, but having the symptoms of a sobfest - unhappy, shaking (panic attack)azs without the tears kinda felt worse...I mean, you feel better after a good cry right? So I just felt bad for longer.
I've moved jobs, so what I think as one of the larger stressors was removed...although I now have the added stress of trying to fit in the new place, after 4 years @ my previous firm.
And then....my Grandma passed away.
I keep randomly wanting to cry....or literally letting out 1 sob. I go numb....
its just far from fun
I'm meant to be going to counselling, but because I can only attend out of hours, I've been reassigned to another counsellor...meaning another wait.
sometimes I wonder....is it worth it?
and then yet again, I get so angry with myself, because there are so many people (many of them close friends and family) who've had real problems.
my family don't know about this. any of it.
I thought writing it down might make me feel better.
we'll see.
Earlier this year I was officially diagnosed with depression.
The first batch of medication didn't help, so now I'm on Prozac.
Thought it was just a combo of too much at one....I mean, I'm weird as it is.....never been on a date @ 27, never had a boy/girlfriend, very few real friends who actually give a damn, the 'freak', the 'oversensitive one', the crybaby.....the list goes on
I do love chocolate a little more than most people, but I was eating more than normal...overeating really.
I was really unhappy in work - boss was not too nice, and it was becoming more and more obvious to other people the marked difference between how he treated me compared to some of my colleagues.
Also, my two best friends spent the last 12 months in and out of hospital. I made a point of going to see them in hospital when I could. I hate hospitals.
A close family friend also was in hospital....no longer in remission.
...Neither was my Aunt. She had to have a hysterectomy, part of her bowel removed and underwent chemotherapy.
Another family friend had a stroke. My DAD was in hospital!
The sister of one of my friends was very ill, another lost her nan. Another colleague lost her mother.
As all this was happening, I started to feel worse and worse...how dare I feel bad when all these people I care about are going through such worse!!!
Occassional passing thoughts about family/friends being better off without me being around is one thing, but when this became a weekly thing......
a friend of mine had confided in me about her own journey to the Dr, and talked me into going myself.
As I said, the first medication they tried didn't make me feel any better really....dry mouth, jittery, restless leg...I felt like a robot. It didn't stop my panic attacks (which I have always been prone to, but have had more this year than in the last 3) but I literally couldn't cry, even when really upset.
I've always hated how quickly I would get tearful, but having the symptoms of a sobfest - unhappy, shaking (panic attack)azs without the tears kinda felt worse...I mean, you feel better after a good cry right? So I just felt bad for longer.
I've moved jobs, so what I think as one of the larger stressors was removed...although I now have the added stress of trying to fit in the new place, after 4 years @ my previous firm.
And then....my Grandma passed away.
I keep randomly wanting to cry....or literally letting out 1 sob. I go numb....
its just far from fun
I'm meant to be going to counselling, but because I can only attend out of hours, I've been reassigned to another counsellor...meaning another wait.
sometimes I wonder....is it worth it?
and then yet again, I get so angry with myself, because there are so many people (many of them close friends and family) who've had real problems.
my family don't know about this. any of it.
I thought writing it down might make me feel better.
we'll see.