wake me when it's june 5th
it's hard to not do the things that have kept you alive for so long. it's hard to switch addictions and i thought it was impossible to silence the mind. knowing that my actions are oh so much more than mine alone makes me want to do better. i can ignore this chatter, let it pass even, yet i wish i could just be what i want to be. i want to not doubt, not fear, and not ever give in. i had a thought one time, of time travel and parallel universes when i was up at the summit of a hill. i believed at that moment i could travel to a time when i was younger and not so corrupted. yet, to do this i had to take the leap of faith, i had to believe that when i jumped i would not find death, i would simply find an earlier time. i looked out there where the highway met the azure which met the shades of gold. i stared for minutes, if not more, but could not gather up the faith to trust in what i knew. i've had recurring dreams of past lovers with asian eyes and caucasian ideals. i haven't found love in so long, i almost wonder if i could even act like a human being. i come on too strong or not at all. i don't trust my gut enough. i have an awesome plastic surgeon. i am great at so many things. i am a bad friend. oh livejournal, how you always save me when i feel like smashing my face through a wall.