(no subject)
WHOA i forgot about my livejournal. :/
i'm in the library with the intentions of studying for an exam i have on thursday,
but obviously i'm not doing that.
i should get off this computer and use a table to write with my hands because i do that better now.
however, for record keeping purposes, here's what's happening in my life:
i have a real boyfriend for the first time in four years. he is very nice. he is technically married. i will laugh about this some day. he is also extremely attractive and good at things and sympathetic and silly and has great hair. he is wonderful in the bedroom and i can actually fall asleep with him. he lives in grand rapids, which is hard, but also probably a blessing. he treats me extremely well and all of my friends really like him. i'm starting to worry that i don't "deserve" him. this is likely just a manifestation of my fear of losing him.
i am very busy in school, which i hate. my classes aren't difficult, but they are getting to be very monotonous. i enjoy learning in all of them; i just wish every once in a while things would be switched up so i wasn't doing the exact same homework every week. mostly, my workshop classes are getting me. because i don't have the time to cultivate enough calm in order to write (much less REVISE), i feel like i don't have any place to be giving suggestions. i know that is not true, but i'm just so TIRED of reading everyone else's writing, and not feeling like i have the energy or state or peace of mind to write things i really admire of my own. i need yoga again.
on the up side, i did get two of my poem accepted to one of CMU's literary journal. this is a secret, but i actually will win $100 dollars for the best poem. this makes me happy, even though most of the staff consisted of my friends, AND i was an editor last year. i don't care. that's what a creative community is about. and i love it.
except i'm also terrified of it because i will leave it soon.
i am neglecting my BS (ha) in psychology and applying to MFA programs for poetry. this is what i love doing, even when i hate it. i am pretty sure i can spend the next two to three years in school reading and writing. i will hate it for some portion of the time i spend wherever i end up, but in the end, i will love it. i will decided where to go from there.
i am applying to U of Colorado at Boulder, University of Washington, University of Montana, and U of Oregon. My top choice is CU Boulder because my sister is nearby. i am planning on leaving everything else. i am not sure what I'll do about the boyfriend if he still exists next fall. i know i shouldn't even think about that, but i can't help it. it makes things really scary and messy. he says things like, "if we still have this, i'll follow you." i don't know what to make of it. the entire idea of starting new scares the shit out of me. but i also know how good it will eventually be.
my parents sold their house in plymouth and bought one on a lake in pinckney. i am happy for them. i am stressed about actually moving; they are doing that in two weeks.
in two weeks, i also take the gre. i have not studied at all. i need at least a 600 on the verbal section for most of the schools to which i am applying. i will be pretending to study this weekend while i also go home and pretend to help pack and pretend that i didn't wish i was with my boyfriend. if i don't get the scores i need on the gre, i don't know what i'll do. take it again, i suppose. similarly, i don't know what i'll do if i don't get into grad school. i can't decide if i should do something like "apply to a school in michigan" for safety purposes. most of me doesn't want to because i want to just absolutely force myself into a scary situation. i would secretly love to be in Saw. just kidding.
if i don't get into grad school, i will probably teach abroad. i should probably do that anyway.
i also need to actually APPLY to grad schools, but applications aren't due until january, so of course i am procrastinating. i should probably really do something about that, like talk to professors, figure out who to ask for letters of recommendation, work on personal statements, submit transcript requests, put together a portfolio, and maybe start believing in God again so i have something to pray to.
i've also managed to lose and keep off over 15 pounds (although i gained most of that this summer) because i stopped eating meat and milk products (along with eating carefully and working out and trying to just be a healthier person in general). it started mostly as a game--can i stop eating meat? but then i realized that i would probably just get really fat if i did that because i would eat endless piles of bean and cheese nachos. because of this, i chose to stop eating cheese and milk-based products. it makes cooking a really fun experiment. it helps that the boyfriend is also vegetarian, and likes to cook and accomodate our special diets.
some day, it would be interesting to become completely vegan, but i don't think i want to give up eggs ever. if i lived in some kind of co-op, or if eating out wasn't so fun, or if i lived completely alone or with libby, who is terrified of eggs, i'd try it. i'm not sure. it's much more a personal health-related challenge than it is an activism thang, but i do understand the anti-oppression ideas encouraged by veganism, and i will not say that i will never at least try to live by such values. right now, though, i don't have the personal (mental) resources to completely commit to such a lifestyle.
there is a boy sitting near me who i think is touching himself. um.
anyway, that felt nice to get out. i wish i could turn this in for credit somewhere.
cheers.