(no subject)
i am getting severely stressed out about moving up to mtp and starting classes.
i haven't really done anything all summer but hang around and have adventures. it was great, but i am terrified for my reality check.
i'm sitting in my sister's apartment in colorado eating left over indonesian peanut noodle with tofu, which is really delicious, but i'm having like 9 heart attacks.
i'm mad at myself because i'm currently being emotionally screwed over by yet another boy, which is STUPID, because i KNEW better from the start. i am just never quite sure which impulse to trust and which feeling to fully acknowledge.
i KNOW that i really have all the love i can handle in my life right now. but it still makes me sad because it was something i was sort of letting make me happy. it's these sorts of times when i wish i felt god as an outside force. but i just... don't. i'm too bound to "god" as something wholly within myself and i don't know if i can bridge a gap otherwise. so what about when i am letting myself down? what about when i stray into an anxious mind? what about when every doubt and loveless thought surface? why so concerned with those things out of my control? do i still believe i can control everything? yes, in... in a way. i can certainly control how i FEEL about everything, although i'm not entirely sure how yet. i'm not sure how to master the anxiety or the doubt. if i did, would i feel the joy and relief in their absence? can i know white while ignoring black?
i just get TOO excited. i pull myself up too far. i set myself up to fall.
but i'm not looking to tone down my happiness.
i just need to learn how to accept "failures" more quickly. i need to learn how to get over things that hurt sooner. i need to stop getting so ahead of myself. and i KNOW all these things. i've known them for a long time. so when do i DO them?
still need to live for me. still need to understand how to love me.
need to remember how many amazing things are present in my current life. need to understand how many amazing things i can bring myself in my future life. need to breathe. need to be.
forgive me this pride, that knows your redemption yet shamelessly walks away.
i haven't really done anything all summer but hang around and have adventures. it was great, but i am terrified for my reality check.
i'm sitting in my sister's apartment in colorado eating left over indonesian peanut noodle with tofu, which is really delicious, but i'm having like 9 heart attacks.
i'm mad at myself because i'm currently being emotionally screwed over by yet another boy, which is STUPID, because i KNEW better from the start. i am just never quite sure which impulse to trust and which feeling to fully acknowledge.
i KNOW that i really have all the love i can handle in my life right now. but it still makes me sad because it was something i was sort of letting make me happy. it's these sorts of times when i wish i felt god as an outside force. but i just... don't. i'm too bound to "god" as something wholly within myself and i don't know if i can bridge a gap otherwise. so what about when i am letting myself down? what about when i stray into an anxious mind? what about when every doubt and loveless thought surface? why so concerned with those things out of my control? do i still believe i can control everything? yes, in... in a way. i can certainly control how i FEEL about everything, although i'm not entirely sure how yet. i'm not sure how to master the anxiety or the doubt. if i did, would i feel the joy and relief in their absence? can i know white while ignoring black?
i just get TOO excited. i pull myself up too far. i set myself up to fall.
but i'm not looking to tone down my happiness.
i just need to learn how to accept "failures" more quickly. i need to learn how to get over things that hurt sooner. i need to stop getting so ahead of myself. and i KNOW all these things. i've known them for a long time. so when do i DO them?
still need to live for me. still need to understand how to love me.
need to remember how many amazing things are present in my current life. need to understand how many amazing things i can bring myself in my future life. need to breathe. need to be.
forgive me this pride, that knows your redemption yet shamelessly walks away.