will you give in to every fantasy I've got [will you hose me down with holy water if I get too hot]
[likely_evil used with permission from his mun who made a request for Sam/Ruby. Set in wayward_au. For justprompts.]
“My home is not a place, it is people.” -Lois McMaster Bujold
Ruby’s pretty sure that demons can’t love.
It was the kind of thing where once a soul got torn to shreds, the person who used to call it their own couldn’t really feel it anymore. There just wasn’t the capacity. So if it could be said that Ruby was in love with Sam Winchester-she wasn’t. It was impossible. She didn’t have the ability to love any more than a corpse did. A reanimated, walking, talking corpse-but a corpse nonetheless. So the most evident point was that she couldn’t love.
But she could care. She could care immensely, beyond all reason. She could care all she wanted, because caring didn’t have quite the same connotation. People cared for their dogs, they cared for their lawns-you could care for inanimate objects without holding the same kind of emotional significance that even just the word ‘love’ held. So Ruby cared. She cared until she was ready to collapse from exhaustion. She spent thirteen years caring for Sam-helping him through the visions, easing him through the headaches and the battles. She fought Sam’s war, because she knew that he knew what he was fighting for. He was fighting for Dean, and he didn’t want his brother to die. That was their job, and they did it. Ruby took care of business, and she took care of Sam. And when she failed to take care of Dean, and Dean died-almost as nearly as it had been by her own hand-she did her damnedest to make sure that Sam didn’t go down with him.
Ruby didn’t care about herself-she wasn’t the one that mattered.
In the beginning, she worked him hard because she didn’t care. There was a level he needed to be at to stay alive, and she wasn’t going to stop until he got there. Because that was the objective, after all-Sam staying alive. She was given a job, and she was going to do it. But somewhere along the way, she stopped being the cold general who pushed him until he hit the wall. He stopped being an objective and started being a friend-as least as much of a friend as you can get to be when you’re a demon. She sat with him as the visions got worse. The more he lost Dean, the more he leaned on her, and instead of brushing him off, she took the weight. It was what she had to do. Then somehow being his support turned into something more than that. She made him promises she didn’t know that she could keep. There were ones that she was determined to-like keep Alec and Ben safe and helping him train the boys, but there were ones that she knew were going to be near impossible. He didn’t have to tell her for her to feel that he was slipping.
Humans weren’t meant to be blessed with visions, and she wasn’t entirely convinced that demons were meant for them either. Vassago had been getting them since the world had began, and Ruby was pretty sure the demon was more than a little tapped. Considering that the woman was the grandmother of visions from the great beyond, Ruby figured that this was the lot in life of those blessed with foresight. Either their brain starts collapsing on them or they go insane. She wasn’t sure if she should be grateful or pissed that it was the former happening to Sam. Regardless of how she felt about it, however, it wasn’t changing the fact that it was, and there was nothing she could do about it-at least not directly. All she could do was take care of Sam, and try to get him the help that he needed, whatever he needed. And when it came about that what Sam needed was her-she wasn’t exactly one to stop complaining. She didn’t hold anything back from him, she never had-but it wasn’t just for him that she was letting herself do this.
When Sam kissed her, she almost felt as though she was human again. She had seen demons through a Winchester’s eyes time and again-disgust, hate and mistrust all rolled into one pretty package. She can’t help but take it a little personally, regardless of the amount of faith that Sam put in her because it’s what she is. She’s a demon, and hunters don’t kiss demons unless they’re making a deal, let alone sleep with them. So when Sam made his move, she let him, not just because it was what he needed and what she wanted, but because on some selfish level, she knew it was the closest she was ever going to get to being loved, and that, to her, was what she needed.
And now it had become almost that of a relationship-another thing demons didn’t have, but she didn’t know how else to describe it. It was Ruby and Sam, but more so, and she knew that she was getting ready to cross that line. She was getting ready to reach the point where she knew she cared too much, but she wasn’t even sure where she would be able to stop. Sam kisses her, touches her, and she feels that secret thrill of being wanted. It’s not much, and it doesn’t always last as long as she’d like, but it’s enough.
When it’s over, Sam sleeps, curled up against her back, and she stays awake, partially out of nerves, the innate need to keep watch and make sure that they’re not disturbed, but partially because she knows that she needs to savor this while it lasts. It’s more than obvious now that he’s not going to be around forever, and for that matter, neither will she-nothing ever lasts for as long as you hope, especially when it came down to something good. Not in this world.
Ruby knows she can’t love. It’s embedded into her consciousness, the glass ceiling on her emotional capacity that was added in when she signed away her soul all those centuries ago, and she’s accepted it. She had for a long time. But as far as her relationship with Sam was concerned, she knows that she’s pretty damn close. And at the end of the day, she’ll take what she can get.
1058 words
“My home is not a place, it is people.” -Lois McMaster Bujold
Ruby’s pretty sure that demons can’t love.
It was the kind of thing where once a soul got torn to shreds, the person who used to call it their own couldn’t really feel it anymore. There just wasn’t the capacity. So if it could be said that Ruby was in love with Sam Winchester-she wasn’t. It was impossible. She didn’t have the ability to love any more than a corpse did. A reanimated, walking, talking corpse-but a corpse nonetheless. So the most evident point was that she couldn’t love.
But she could care. She could care immensely, beyond all reason. She could care all she wanted, because caring didn’t have quite the same connotation. People cared for their dogs, they cared for their lawns-you could care for inanimate objects without holding the same kind of emotional significance that even just the word ‘love’ held. So Ruby cared. She cared until she was ready to collapse from exhaustion. She spent thirteen years caring for Sam-helping him through the visions, easing him through the headaches and the battles. She fought Sam’s war, because she knew that he knew what he was fighting for. He was fighting for Dean, and he didn’t want his brother to die. That was their job, and they did it. Ruby took care of business, and she took care of Sam. And when she failed to take care of Dean, and Dean died-almost as nearly as it had been by her own hand-she did her damnedest to make sure that Sam didn’t go down with him.
Ruby didn’t care about herself-she wasn’t the one that mattered.
In the beginning, she worked him hard because she didn’t care. There was a level he needed to be at to stay alive, and she wasn’t going to stop until he got there. Because that was the objective, after all-Sam staying alive. She was given a job, and she was going to do it. But somewhere along the way, she stopped being the cold general who pushed him until he hit the wall. He stopped being an objective and started being a friend-as least as much of a friend as you can get to be when you’re a demon. She sat with him as the visions got worse. The more he lost Dean, the more he leaned on her, and instead of brushing him off, she took the weight. It was what she had to do. Then somehow being his support turned into something more than that. She made him promises she didn’t know that she could keep. There were ones that she was determined to-like keep Alec and Ben safe and helping him train the boys, but there were ones that she knew were going to be near impossible. He didn’t have to tell her for her to feel that he was slipping.
Humans weren’t meant to be blessed with visions, and she wasn’t entirely convinced that demons were meant for them either. Vassago had been getting them since the world had began, and Ruby was pretty sure the demon was more than a little tapped. Considering that the woman was the grandmother of visions from the great beyond, Ruby figured that this was the lot in life of those blessed with foresight. Either their brain starts collapsing on them or they go insane. She wasn’t sure if she should be grateful or pissed that it was the former happening to Sam. Regardless of how she felt about it, however, it wasn’t changing the fact that it was, and there was nothing she could do about it-at least not directly. All she could do was take care of Sam, and try to get him the help that he needed, whatever he needed. And when it came about that what Sam needed was her-she wasn’t exactly one to stop complaining. She didn’t hold anything back from him, she never had-but it wasn’t just for him that she was letting herself do this.
When Sam kissed her, she almost felt as though she was human again. She had seen demons through a Winchester’s eyes time and again-disgust, hate and mistrust all rolled into one pretty package. She can’t help but take it a little personally, regardless of the amount of faith that Sam put in her because it’s what she is. She’s a demon, and hunters don’t kiss demons unless they’re making a deal, let alone sleep with them. So when Sam made his move, she let him, not just because it was what he needed and what she wanted, but because on some selfish level, she knew it was the closest she was ever going to get to being loved, and that, to her, was what she needed.
And now it had become almost that of a relationship-another thing demons didn’t have, but she didn’t know how else to describe it. It was Ruby and Sam, but more so, and she knew that she was getting ready to cross that line. She was getting ready to reach the point where she knew she cared too much, but she wasn’t even sure where she would be able to stop. Sam kisses her, touches her, and she feels that secret thrill of being wanted. It’s not much, and it doesn’t always last as long as she’d like, but it’s enough.
When it’s over, Sam sleeps, curled up against her back, and she stays awake, partially out of nerves, the innate need to keep watch and make sure that they’re not disturbed, but partially because she knows that she needs to savor this while it lasts. It’s more than obvious now that he’s not going to be around forever, and for that matter, neither will she-nothing ever lasts for as long as you hope, especially when it came down to something good. Not in this world.
Ruby knows she can’t love. It’s embedded into her consciousness, the glass ceiling on her emotional capacity that was added in when she signed away her soul all those centuries ago, and she’s accepted it. She had for a long time. But as far as her relationship with Sam was concerned, she knows that she’s pretty damn close. And at the end of the day, she’ll take what she can get.
1058 words