[J1W] Kissed
It was just sex.
Those four words were the lie she told herself in order to justify bouncing in and out the way she did. All you had to do was look at Sam Winchester and you’d know that he was worth jumping. Sam needed comfort, she needed to get laid-it was a win-win. It was an excuse. A way to keep herself from actually admitting that she needed Sam, that Sam wasn’t just the means to an end-a way to get rid of Lilith.
Turns out Ruby had gotten really good at lying to herself over the years.
She knew what it was like to be completely alone-to have nothing left. She knew how things like that ate away at you, tore you apart inside. No human was ever meant to be alone-especially someone like Sam. Dean had always been there for him, ever since he was a kid, and now Dean was gone in a big way. Sam needed someone to fill the void. Ruby knew she had big shoes to fill-she wasn’t Dean, not by a long shot-but she was at least willing to try.
She wanted to try and mean something to Sam. Give him something to trust in beyond the walls of himself. Sam needed something to hold on to, or he was going to drown, and she couldn’t let that happen. It wasn’t just that she needed him and what he could do, she needed him. He had become her something to hold onto to keep herself from drowning-she didn’t really have anything else.
So she kissed him. Let him take comfort where he needed it, and held back when he didn’t. She did her best to balance herself enough to make it seem as though she wasn’t making a fool of herself, but there was only so far she could go. She saw the desperation, and the way Sam was spiraling out of control, and there was only so much she could do to stop it. Sam didn’t want to be alone, and not just anyone would do.
Sam held the knife, her knife, to her throat, and she didn’t doubt that he would finish the job if she pushed him further. That was when she knew for a fact that Sam would never hold on to her the way he held on to Dean. If he had to go to Hell himself to see his brother again, he would do it. To think that she, some demon who just happened to give him the tools to use, would ever mean more than that was the delusions of someone who’d been alone for too long. And that would be the point where Ruby really started lying to herself.
As she said, it was just sex.
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