Oh Piss It
Fuck.
I don't get it. I really don't. Every year looks better and more hopeful than the last. And every year is even more of a let down. I feel like shit. A couple of weeks ago, I had nothing going for me, and I felt great. I just felt cheery. And now I can't wait for this year to be over with, I can't wait for next year to be over with, I can't wait for this decade to just fade away. I need large amounts of alcohol.
Every word everyone says to me pisses me off. I can't stand anyone right now. I feel as if everyone hates me, but I'm not really sure if it's just that I hate everyone. I know that's not true, but everything is pissing me off. I've never been this pessimistic in my life. I hate working, I hate being home. If i don't get enough hours I'm pissed that I wont get enough money. If I get alot I'm pissed I have to work. If the hours are in the morning I bitch about getting up, if they're in the night I bitch about missing my night. If it's mid day I bitch about both. I'm everything I hate, and I hate everything I am.
I've failed at so much. I can't get out of this shithole. I mean Fuckin A, I finally get into school, took me how long to finally get motivated? 2 years? And now I can't go cause I can't afford it. I can't move out cause I can't afford it. I can't afford fucking anything. I can't get a different job, I have no car. I can't get a car, I have no license. I am so fucking trapped and I can't stand it. I don't want my birthday to come. Not cause I'm turning 20, I could give a shit, I just don't feel like celebrating. Celebrating means having fun, and with my current attitude I'd only be pretending to have a good time. No one be surprised if I leave Jakes early next wednesday. Or show up late for that matter.
Where the fuck is my break in life? Where the fuck IS my life? It's spent pushing carriages and showing fake smiles to customers at a grocery store, sleeping, watching tv, and hanging out at jakes, doing absolutely nothing.
I thought about Jess a bit more last night. Why the Hell is she on my mind? Pathetically I think I miss her. Not just the 'having someone' part of 'her'. But I think I really miss HER. I remembered standing in the shower at the Inn, remember how complete I felt. It was probably the happiest moment of my life. Ironically it was also 5 minutes before she told me about how she liked Sean. What a Plot Twist eh?
I don't think she ever understood how I felt for her. I know she never understood me. I try to be so simple, I am honest about everything, I put everything on the table... Why do people have such a hard time understanding me?
It's fucked thats what it is. How do people that get along as great as we did just never talk to each other again?
She hates me. I bet her family hates me. Her friends at college, they probably think I'm an asshole. She used to tell me how her exbf was sorta obsessive and she couldnt take it anymore. And I now wonder if she misled him as she did me, and she was really the confused one with him and fucked him over. Maybe she thinks of me and him as the same, maybe it's really just her...
Maybe I'm pathetic.
Yeah.
I'm pathetic.
I wish I were "Smart enough to keep my distance"
Have a Merry Fucking X-mas
I don't get it. I really don't. Every year looks better and more hopeful than the last. And every year is even more of a let down. I feel like shit. A couple of weeks ago, I had nothing going for me, and I felt great. I just felt cheery. And now I can't wait for this year to be over with, I can't wait for next year to be over with, I can't wait for this decade to just fade away. I need large amounts of alcohol.
Every word everyone says to me pisses me off. I can't stand anyone right now. I feel as if everyone hates me, but I'm not really sure if it's just that I hate everyone. I know that's not true, but everything is pissing me off. I've never been this pessimistic in my life. I hate working, I hate being home. If i don't get enough hours I'm pissed that I wont get enough money. If I get alot I'm pissed I have to work. If the hours are in the morning I bitch about getting up, if they're in the night I bitch about missing my night. If it's mid day I bitch about both. I'm everything I hate, and I hate everything I am.
I've failed at so much. I can't get out of this shithole. I mean Fuckin A, I finally get into school, took me how long to finally get motivated? 2 years? And now I can't go cause I can't afford it. I can't move out cause I can't afford it. I can't afford fucking anything. I can't get a different job, I have no car. I can't get a car, I have no license. I am so fucking trapped and I can't stand it. I don't want my birthday to come. Not cause I'm turning 20, I could give a shit, I just don't feel like celebrating. Celebrating means having fun, and with my current attitude I'd only be pretending to have a good time. No one be surprised if I leave Jakes early next wednesday. Or show up late for that matter.
Where the fuck is my break in life? Where the fuck IS my life? It's spent pushing carriages and showing fake smiles to customers at a grocery store, sleeping, watching tv, and hanging out at jakes, doing absolutely nothing.
I thought about Jess a bit more last night. Why the Hell is she on my mind? Pathetically I think I miss her. Not just the 'having someone' part of 'her'. But I think I really miss HER. I remembered standing in the shower at the Inn, remember how complete I felt. It was probably the happiest moment of my life. Ironically it was also 5 minutes before she told me about how she liked Sean. What a Plot Twist eh?
I don't think she ever understood how I felt for her. I know she never understood me. I try to be so simple, I am honest about everything, I put everything on the table... Why do people have such a hard time understanding me?
It's fucked thats what it is. How do people that get along as great as we did just never talk to each other again?
She hates me. I bet her family hates me. Her friends at college, they probably think I'm an asshole. She used to tell me how her exbf was sorta obsessive and she couldnt take it anymore. And I now wonder if she misled him as she did me, and she was really the confused one with him and fucked him over. Maybe she thinks of me and him as the same, maybe it's really just her...
Maybe I'm pathetic.
Yeah.
I'm pathetic.
I wish I were "Smart enough to keep my distance"
Have a Merry Fucking X-mas