If i'd never loved I never would have cried.....
Well. I seem to not be very effecient in my livejournal habbits. effecient or prompt. if anyone read this other then maybe like 2 people, i might care. but they dont so i dont. and thats good. i dont need more stress. its been an interesting couple of weeks. this thursday i got drunk in the art building. that was a trip. i have never actually spent the night in Jenkins(art building), even though pretty much every other art major does it at least once a week it seems. I got invited to work and eat there, and I figured, it would be a good way for me to keep from drinking and going out, which i surely would have done surrounded by my friends and roomate.
Well so much for not drinking. I have to say i got some work done on my sculpture before everything turned into a drunken art fest. there was probally like 10 of us total. I started drinking, so did everyone else. you know how it goes. Meet a nice guy who went all the way to his apartment to get me a drimmel tool to help me sculpt with. everyone skated down the halls, i hung two stories up by my arms, then i started table dancing. haha. and then everyone danced. my problems started as usual when i went one beer too far. or maybe a few more then that. I didnt do anything bad or screw up like i usually do, me and the two guys that ended up not leaving all passed out together on the teachers table. The 8 oclock design class came in to the sight of us 3 spooning drunk asses on the table. hilarious. i just love that art majors get drunk in their own building.
so yea that was my supposed to be sober thursday. my willpower realy is no good at all. friday, well it was fun. went to 11th street house for the like 4th straight time this month. once again wasnt planning on getting trashed. but it happned. i mean, i like seeing all these people that im starting to know, and i love that they know my name (even when i dont know theirs!), and i always have a great time there. the problem is seeing so many guys there that ive had some sort of history with, however brief. that always hurts. no matter how much i want to say it wont or it doesnt or it shouldnt. it does. the way ive been living this past semester, its the kind of living that tears you up inside. Im starting to realize this. maybe too late, but id like to say im still young.
what can i say that hasnt been said before? i want to change, these fleeting moments of happiness i get from being drunk, from hooking up, from whatever, they dont last. they seem to be just ways to mask my lonliness. its pathetic really. getting filled up either way isnt going to really fill my life with anything meaningful. And as much as i like to pretend to be okay with being walked on, by being ignored, by being forgotten, im not. it hurts alot. only i can fix that. i see that now. its just going to be hard. i really dont know if its my actions and readiness to give up what makes me special so fast that creates these situations where nothing meaningful comes from someone. or if i pick all the wrong people. i think maybe its a bit of both. if i wasnt myself i would have seen it earlier.
so as much fun as last night could have been, seeing those guys hurt. and lead me to drink a bit too much again. luckily i do have great friends that took care of me. i wasnt too keen on being alone last night, so they watched me untill i fell asleep and then gave me water and put me to bed. thanks jonathan and drew.
so tonight is a saturday night that im not remotely interested in going out on. i went with some friends to see harry potter. ate krispy kreme. got in bed. i just dont feel like interacting with other humans for a while. most of them really suck. i feel like my theme song for this month should be Simon and Garfunkels "I am a Rock" or it should be. i need to build up those "fortress walls" so "none may penetrate" my heart.
"IF ID NEVER LOVED I NEVER WOULD HAVE CRIED"
melodramatic as usual. what do you expect? maybe someday ill write something happy in here.
i hope so
Well so much for not drinking. I have to say i got some work done on my sculpture before everything turned into a drunken art fest. there was probally like 10 of us total. I started drinking, so did everyone else. you know how it goes. Meet a nice guy who went all the way to his apartment to get me a drimmel tool to help me sculpt with. everyone skated down the halls, i hung two stories up by my arms, then i started table dancing. haha. and then everyone danced. my problems started as usual when i went one beer too far. or maybe a few more then that. I didnt do anything bad or screw up like i usually do, me and the two guys that ended up not leaving all passed out together on the teachers table. The 8 oclock design class came in to the sight of us 3 spooning drunk asses on the table. hilarious. i just love that art majors get drunk in their own building.
so yea that was my supposed to be sober thursday. my willpower realy is no good at all. friday, well it was fun. went to 11th street house for the like 4th straight time this month. once again wasnt planning on getting trashed. but it happned. i mean, i like seeing all these people that im starting to know, and i love that they know my name (even when i dont know theirs!), and i always have a great time there. the problem is seeing so many guys there that ive had some sort of history with, however brief. that always hurts. no matter how much i want to say it wont or it doesnt or it shouldnt. it does. the way ive been living this past semester, its the kind of living that tears you up inside. Im starting to realize this. maybe too late, but id like to say im still young.
what can i say that hasnt been said before? i want to change, these fleeting moments of happiness i get from being drunk, from hooking up, from whatever, they dont last. they seem to be just ways to mask my lonliness. its pathetic really. getting filled up either way isnt going to really fill my life with anything meaningful. And as much as i like to pretend to be okay with being walked on, by being ignored, by being forgotten, im not. it hurts alot. only i can fix that. i see that now. its just going to be hard. i really dont know if its my actions and readiness to give up what makes me special so fast that creates these situations where nothing meaningful comes from someone. or if i pick all the wrong people. i think maybe its a bit of both. if i wasnt myself i would have seen it earlier.
so as much fun as last night could have been, seeing those guys hurt. and lead me to drink a bit too much again. luckily i do have great friends that took care of me. i wasnt too keen on being alone last night, so they watched me untill i fell asleep and then gave me water and put me to bed. thanks jonathan and drew.
so tonight is a saturday night that im not remotely interested in going out on. i went with some friends to see harry potter. ate krispy kreme. got in bed. i just dont feel like interacting with other humans for a while. most of them really suck. i feel like my theme song for this month should be Simon and Garfunkels "I am a Rock" or it should be. i need to build up those "fortress walls" so "none may penetrate" my heart.
"IF ID NEVER LOVED I NEVER WOULD HAVE CRIED"
melodramatic as usual. what do you expect? maybe someday ill write something happy in here.
i hope so