Still Wondering
Regardless of what takes place, and the days that pass, and what words are exchanged, I can't help but wonder if she really does want me. Whether she does intend to wait all the time it will take till we can see each other, or if she'll just get bored waiting for me and drop me. Her words are so inspiring, sweet, and seemingly full of heart, but I've had such a horrible experience with this sort of situation before, in the past, and I can't stand even the mere thought of something similar happening. Each and every day I find myself feeling horrible about everything, not knowing when she may just say to hell with me and move on. I could be having the time of my life, and then once I get those thoughts in my head, I can't focus, or smile, or have any sort of a good time whatsoever. I go into a mindset that I just can't stand, yet I seem to get trapped in it so often it's like common place for me. I hate it so much... so very much. I want so badly to be able to hold her in my arms... hell, at this point I would give most anything just to have a spoken conversation to her, to be able to hear her voice and words. *sigh* I do hope that she does continue to want me throughout these days to come, and up to the point when I make my move up North, where I will actually be able to see her and spend time with her on a regular basis. Those days will be so great. I fucking hate being here, alone, without her. I've been having trouble sleeping lately... well, the last month or so... I can't seem to feel good about myself unless I hear from her. And when I don't, it's all downhill from there. Ugh. I don't know how I let myself fall so hard, becoming so dependent on another person like this. I don't know whether I am a fool, or if my heart is just dying for her love. It feels as if it's a bit of both. I suppose I'll just do as I always do, and let someone else control my emotions, and inadvertently decide how I life, feel, whether I sleep or stay awake like a zombie, love or hate myself... I don't know what the future holds... or even if my hopes will be enough to make it all pan out in the end. =(
Randy!!