"Insert angsty song title here"
I have been really annoyed with myself lately. It's been easy to get depressed, and hard not to be. Maybe it's just that it's winter, or that my hormones are still out of whack... Anyway, I pretty much feel like shit most of the time lately. One of the things that sucks most about it, though, is that things really aren't that bad. That either makes me feel like a whiney, selfish bitch, or too stupid to know the difference, neither of which makes me feel any better.
My primary problem right now is money. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this problem. My debt has gotten such that my income will not support any more of it, which also means that all of my income (almost all of it, anyway) is currently going to support my debt. So I am in stasis, basically. My debt is not growing (at least not as of post-holidays), but it's not going down very quickly due to interest. It's so incredibly upsetting to me to realize that I could have paid off over half my debt in the past year with what I paid in interest alone. At this point, I never want to use a credit card ever again, I've removed the ones I have from my wallet, and I'm not getting talked into that kind of bullshit again, ever. Unsecured debt sucks a lot. I find it damned hilarious that I could probably go and get a 200k mortgage in a matter of hours, though (or at least that's the gist I got from the guy at my credit union who was very apologetic that they couldn't give me a consolidation loan, but wants to be the first person I call when I actually have collateral).
My mom is now all worried about me and advising me to seek therapy, which is sweet, I guess, but generally not helpful. She made me go visit her this weekend, and practically forced me to "relax," drink tea, and not do anything. Of course, then my brother and his now-fiancée came over and we started talking about wedding plans and decorations and dresses and whatnot, which is not what I'd call "relaxing." I've been recruited as a bridesmaid, and told that I'll be hosting the bridal shower. I've also been asked to give over as many Saturdays as I can in the next four months because the bride wants to make a lot of things by hand, like favors, invitations, and the flower arrangements. At first it was to cut costs, but somehow that has turned into a desire to make everything "more personal." So basically, I won't be working on any of my own projects until July.
This new tax on my time has also made me realize that I no longer have the interest and motivation to keep 7 fishtanks going. I've given the last of my tiny rasboras and my betta to my mother, and I'm going to start giving away or selling the rest of the plants and random equipment. Sooner than later I hope to convert the 30 gallon tank into a Tanganyikan environment for the cichlids in the 20 gallon tank, thus allowing me to get rid of the 20 gallon, one of the 10 gallons, the stand for both, and all of the equipment, hopefully for some money, though I can't imagine it will be for a lot. In the end, there will be only the large 65 gallon tank, the 30 gallon, and a 5 gallon office tank. Everything else must go.
And the same goes for my craft room. I have too many hobbies that I spend too much money and not enough time on. I have to sort through and start giving away supplies and selling finished projects (or finish projects so I can sell them). I'm not sure what I'll end up with if/when I manage to get rid of stuff, and I can't even be sure that I'll maintain fewer hobbies than I do currently, but hopefully I'll be able to evaluate the needs and realistic returns of my hobbies and come to some kind of compromise that wont be taxing too heavily on my debt issues.
These realizations are incredibly disheartening. Not surprising, or unexpected, but definitely disappointing and depressing. I also feel kindof stupid for taking so long to actually implement these conclusions, and resentful at having to come to the conclusions at all, including remembering the people who rolled their eyes every time I got a new tattoo or set up a new fishtank or wanted to go to a rubber stamping convention. I'm not sure if I'd get angry enough to break things or just cry if I hear an "I told you so." Disappointed, stupid, and irrationally resentful are not good ways to feel.
And then there's the guilt over seriously mooching off of foggy89. I rarely buy groceries, I don't chip in for utilities, I don't even pay a full half of the rent, and I seriously don't see why he doesn't kick me out on my whiney, freeloading ass. It's not even like I'm paying my way with sexual favors!
On the other hand, I'm not yet in over my head, I am perfectly capable of managing this and fixing it on my own, and there really isn't anything really wrong with my life. All this makes me feel completely unjustified in feeling miserable over the other stuff, and I hate that feeling, too.
My primary problem right now is money. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this problem. My debt has gotten such that my income will not support any more of it, which also means that all of my income (almost all of it, anyway) is currently going to support my debt. So I am in stasis, basically. My debt is not growing (at least not as of post-holidays), but it's not going down very quickly due to interest. It's so incredibly upsetting to me to realize that I could have paid off over half my debt in the past year with what I paid in interest alone. At this point, I never want to use a credit card ever again, I've removed the ones I have from my wallet, and I'm not getting talked into that kind of bullshit again, ever. Unsecured debt sucks a lot. I find it damned hilarious that I could probably go and get a 200k mortgage in a matter of hours, though (or at least that's the gist I got from the guy at my credit union who was very apologetic that they couldn't give me a consolidation loan, but wants to be the first person I call when I actually have collateral).
My mom is now all worried about me and advising me to seek therapy, which is sweet, I guess, but generally not helpful. She made me go visit her this weekend, and practically forced me to "relax," drink tea, and not do anything. Of course, then my brother and his now-fiancée came over and we started talking about wedding plans and decorations and dresses and whatnot, which is not what I'd call "relaxing." I've been recruited as a bridesmaid, and told that I'll be hosting the bridal shower. I've also been asked to give over as many Saturdays as I can in the next four months because the bride wants to make a lot of things by hand, like favors, invitations, and the flower arrangements. At first it was to cut costs, but somehow that has turned into a desire to make everything "more personal." So basically, I won't be working on any of my own projects until July.
This new tax on my time has also made me realize that I no longer have the interest and motivation to keep 7 fishtanks going. I've given the last of my tiny rasboras and my betta to my mother, and I'm going to start giving away or selling the rest of the plants and random equipment. Sooner than later I hope to convert the 30 gallon tank into a Tanganyikan environment for the cichlids in the 20 gallon tank, thus allowing me to get rid of the 20 gallon, one of the 10 gallons, the stand for both, and all of the equipment, hopefully for some money, though I can't imagine it will be for a lot. In the end, there will be only the large 65 gallon tank, the 30 gallon, and a 5 gallon office tank. Everything else must go.
And the same goes for my craft room. I have too many hobbies that I spend too much money and not enough time on. I have to sort through and start giving away supplies and selling finished projects (or finish projects so I can sell them). I'm not sure what I'll end up with if/when I manage to get rid of stuff, and I can't even be sure that I'll maintain fewer hobbies than I do currently, but hopefully I'll be able to evaluate the needs and realistic returns of my hobbies and come to some kind of compromise that wont be taxing too heavily on my debt issues.
These realizations are incredibly disheartening. Not surprising, or unexpected, but definitely disappointing and depressing. I also feel kindof stupid for taking so long to actually implement these conclusions, and resentful at having to come to the conclusions at all, including remembering the people who rolled their eyes every time I got a new tattoo or set up a new fishtank or wanted to go to a rubber stamping convention. I'm not sure if I'd get angry enough to break things or just cry if I hear an "I told you so." Disappointed, stupid, and irrationally resentful are not good ways to feel.
And then there's the guilt over seriously mooching off of foggy89. I rarely buy groceries, I don't chip in for utilities, I don't even pay a full half of the rent, and I seriously don't see why he doesn't kick me out on my whiney, freeloading ass. It's not even like I'm paying my way with sexual favors!
On the other hand, I'm not yet in over my head, I am perfectly capable of managing this and fixing it on my own, and there really isn't anything really wrong with my life. All this makes me feel completely unjustified in feeling miserable over the other stuff, and I hate that feeling, too.