Chapter 1- Concerned but selfish
Journal entry for November, 10th, 2004:
"Today I can’t help but think that the WHOLE world shares one half a brain. I’m a strong believer on this theory. Some people even lead me to believe that they don’t even have a brain! Take this bank robber for example,he went to rob a bank and decided he was going to write down his demands on the back of his account slip! Then there’s the man that fought 12 long hard years, moaning and groaning about how he couldn’t have his baby girl in his life whom, when my mother finally caved to his demands, he screwed it over by disowning me.You would think that the world would have more common sense than that. I mean hell even a chimp would know better!
Then there’s this theory that we humans like to call "love" . Boy I’d love to meet the asshole that came up with this concept. I mean what is love? I thought I knew but I couldnt have been more wrong. There I was standing at the gate with my boyfriend, or shall I say ex. I’m thinking that I’m just there to see him back to Kansas, wish him luck in the Marines, and tell him I love him.
WRONG!
"Adyn, we’ve been friends for a long time," he starts.
My thoughts were," Did he just say friends?Did the past two years mean absolutely nothing to him?"
I could feel my heart begin to skip beat and break with every word he spoke.
"I’m gonna be gone for a while," he continued. "I don’t want you to have to wait for me."
What did he mean "wait" for him? He didn’t even know the meaning of the word wait. Let’s get real! Josh hasnt waited for anything a day in his life! Like our first time for example, it hadnt even been two months yet.He took me to the point, a very secluded place, and we spent two hot and steamy hours in the back seat of his mothers car.Wait...pft"
Adyn scoffed as she typed.
"Everything was great until he said what he said at the airport. I cant believe he dumped me. I wasted two years of my life on him!Guess I should have known better. I saw the signs I mean he didnt even own his own car! Then there was all the broken promises.I was so gullable I let him lead me to believe that we were gonna spend the rest of our lives together. I was one of those people misled by the statistic that 50 percent of highschool sweethearts go on to get married. What a crock of shit !
Just comes to show ’ you how naive I am or the world for that matter. Then again you live and learn. . . "
She paused for a second to collect her thoughts and ended up up getting hit in the back of the head with a throw pillow.
"OW?! What in the hell"
Adyn spun around in her chair to see who had hit her. It was Hillary her long time best friend and room mate. She had just come in from her Friday night outing, and was sitting on Adyns bed flipping through an astrologicol book.
"Are you writing in your journal again?" Hillary said in an almost whinny voice as she adjusted her dress.
"Yes. What else would I be doing?” Adyn asked while rolling her eyes.
"I dont know , streaking?" Hillary mummbled as she put a pillow behind her head to lay down still flipping through pages.
"Oh Hillary, you know me. I only do that when its raining and ive had a twelve pack" Adyn commented sarcastically.
Hillary chuckled and threw Adyns book across the room. She then sat up and smiled.
"Come on, shut that off.Lets go out and get a latte or a hot chocolate at one of those all night coffee houses . What do ya say?"
Adyn shook her head and looked toward the computer screen, then back at Hillary. She was a little hesitant but knew she should go. In all honesty she hadnt been out of the house for two days.
"Hillary you know I would but Im kinda in the middle of something and..,"
"And what? You cant do it later, you just have to do it now? You have to be boring and not have a life?" she interupted.
If there was one thing Hillary was good at , it was interupting people. If she could, shed make it a profession and shed be rich by it.
Hillary looked towards the floor and stuck out her bottom lip in a pout, "You just dont want to go out with me do you?" she asked with a sniffle.
Adyn rolled my eyes and shook her head once again. She knew Hillary was trying to guilt trip her into going.
Hillary continued to pout and looked over to Adyn sadly.
She then threw her arms up in the air and sighed "All right, lets go."
Adyn reached for the computer screen and hit the power button. The two of them then headed toward the front door while grabbing their coats.
As they entered the local coffee house Adyn instantly regretted coming in the first place. Every where she would look there were couples. Old couples, parents, teenagers. (God, get a room), she sighed and shook her head.
"Damn"
"What's wrong sweetie?" Hillary asked.
Her friends silence answered her question.
"Adyn?"
She nodded and looked away. It wasn't like her to get shy all of a sudden, but Hillary couldn't possibly understand the pain Adyn was enduring. Yes, she had a bad family life, just about the universe did but she’d never been dumped. Hillary just wasn’t the type you dump. Then again you had to count in the factor that she hadn’t had many boyfriends in the first place. Hell, her parents set her up with Michael when they were two! Now she's about to be engaged. Michael made Adyn swear not to
tell a soul. True Adyn was happy for her but she felt like some people had all the luck.
"Adyn, men suck."
"No shit,” Adyn snorted still looking at her surroundings.
Hillary went on, “Michael is a total control freak. He thinks he can tell me what to do, how to live my life. I will not join that Mormon church no matter what his mother thinks!"
Adyn stopped in her foot tracks and thought woah, Michael's Mormon? For some reason that came as a shock. He didn’t seem like your typical mormon. This made Adyn curious as to what Hillary and Michael would do. She knew enough from her studies that Mormons dont convert to any other faith for any reason. That's like asking to be disowned by your family. If a Mormon marries outside of the Mormon faith, what happens then? Adyn grew a puzzled look on her face but smiled. She couldn’t help but wonder if, with an attitude like Hillary's, why Michael would marry her in the first place?
Love is about compromise and meeting half way. Hillary must have seen it differently though for she was willing to do neither. She wanted it her way or no way. That almost made Adyn sick but it wasnt her life to worry about.
Hillary walked over to a booth and sat down.She hit the table breaking Adyn out of her trance and motioned for her to sit across from her. It was awfully cold out and much to Adyns surprise at two a.m. the coffee house was bustling with business.Shakeing her head she looked toward Hillary. She was feeling quite uncomfortable and was looking toward her to break the silence.
"Why couldn’t I have just stayed at home, in my nice comfortable room, writing in my journal? Being here and seeing all these people together just make me more depressed," Adyn said as she lowered her face into her hands.
"What are you getting?" Hillary asked ingoring Adyns question and opening a menu.
"Oh um whatever's the cheapest I guess" Adyn slunk down in her seat and threw her jacket to her side.
Hillary then grabbed her purse and left for the counter. After a few minutes’ Hillary returned to the table with a Chocolate lover Lotte for herself and a hot coco for Adyn. It was too early for anything so sweet but Adyn was cold so the warmth of the coco would help.
Hillary took a seat and got situated. Adyn then watched as Hillary turned around noticing a guy that had been starring at Adyn since she walked into the door, "Whats up with him?"
"What do you mean?" Adyn asked taking a sip of coco and looking toward the green and tan booth infront of her.
She saw a guy sitting with a guitar in his lap and pen and paper on the table. He looked like he had been trying to write a song.
"I noticed him starring at you while I was at the counter. If im not mistaken hes been doing it on and off since the moment we sat down," Hillary turned around, "Not like it matters but really its kind of creepy."
Adyn shuddered, she agreed with her. It was infact creepy that he was starring at her.She smiled though, she couldnt help it. Even though it was creepy it was quite flattering.
He really was one of the best looking guys she had seen in awhile. Adyn began to notice a familiarity about him the more she watched. She felt like she knew him from somewhere but couldn’t put a finger exactly where it was. It could have been the way his hair came down over his eyes or his voice. He had a beautiful voice. She could hear him singing a few lyrics as he strummed the guitar and she could tell he had talent. His lyrics were amazingly beautiful and his voice was so soothing it could put a baby to sleep.
"I have to snap out of it" Adyn told myself.
She looked toward Hillary and found her glaring evily.
"What is wrong with you? I’ve been asking you the same question for at least ten minutes now," Hillary asked with a concerned tone of voice.
"Nothing im just tired, and you know me when I get tired I space out,"Adyn shrugged her shoulders and took another sip of her coco which was starting to get cold.
The truth was that Adyn was just a tad bit tired. After all she had been up since seven that morning. It was already four a.m.. Adyn was the type of person who had to get at least a full nine to ten hours of sleep before she could totally function right. Without it Adyn felt like a mess.
Hillary began to talk about she and Michael’s plans for next weekend. In the middle of conversation Hillary stopped mid sentence and looked towards the counter.
"Wow girl would you look at that?" she licked her lips. If Adyn knew one thing about Hillary it was when Hillary licked her lips she found something she liked.
Adyn laughed and said "Hillary contain yourself . . . I only have one word for you 'Michael' "
She then turned her head to see what was so amazing. At the counter stood a guy dressed in a pair of kakis,blue dress shirt and a black tie. He had a semi buzz cut hair style that would lead you to think he was in the military.
Hillary kept smiling and looking him up and down. "Girl if Michael had a butt like that I wouldn’t have to be reminded of him . . . mmm on top of that I wasn’t saying for me, I was talking about you. You cant just hold onto jackass forever. Girl you need to get back in the game!"
Adyn just rolled her eyes. A few seconds later the guy walked past them and sat the booth of the guy who had been watching Adyn just a few moments earlier.
Journal entry for November, 10th, 2004:
"Today I can’t help but think that the WHOLE world shares one half a brain. I’m a strong believer on this theory. Some people even lead me to believe that they don’t even have a brain! Take this bank robber for example. He went to rob a bank and decided he was going to write down his demands on the back of his account slip! Then there’s the man that fought 12 long hard years, moaning and groaning about how he couldn’t have his baby girl in his life. When my mother finally caved to his demands he screwed that over and disowned me.You would think that the world would have more common sense. Then there’s this theory that we humans like to call "love" . Boy I’d love to meet the asshole that came up w/ this concept. I mean what is love? I thought I knew but I was so wrong. There I was standing at the gate with my boyfriend, or should I say ex. I’m thinking that I’m just there to see him back to Kansas, wish him luck in the Marines, and tell him I love him. Boy was I ever wrong.
"Adyn, we’ve been friends for a long time," he starts.
My thoughts were: Did he just say friends? The last two years meant nothing to him? I could feel my heart skipping beats.
"I’m gonna be gone for a while," he continued. "I don’t want you to have to wait for me."
Wait for him? That’s a load of crap! He didn’t even know the meaning of the word wait. Let’s get real! We didn’t wait for anything. For our first time he took me to the point, a very secluded place, and we spent two steamy hours in his car. Every thing had been all good, that was up until he said that. I cant believe he dumped me. I wasted two whole years with him! I guess I should have known by the first broken promise. He lead me to believe that we were gonna spend the rest of our lives together. I was one of those people misled by the statistic that 50 percent of highschool sweethearts go on to get married. What a crock of shit ! Just comes to show ’ you how naive the world is . Then again that’s life and . . . "
I paused for a second to collect my thoughts ending up getting hit in the back of the head with a throw pillow out of nowhere.
"OW?! What in God’s name."
I spun around in my chair to see who had hit me, and what for. It was my roommate and long time best friend Hillary. She had just come in from her Friday night outing. See we have this routine, on Friday nights she goes out until around twelve or one in the morning then she comes home and If I’m still awake she comes In , changes her clothes and we talk. It’s sort of like this tradition for us. We had been doing it for years now. It was her way of helping me to forget my problems. It started her senior year In high school, which was my sophomore year. Every Friday or Saturday I would go to her house or she'd come to mine and we would stay up all hours of the night talking, watching movies, listening to music, messing with people on chat lines, or eating. Hillary and our Friday nights were one of the things that kept me sane. Those are the days I tend to remember among all the days I want to forget. Its why im so glad were roommates.It makes everything so much easier. Moving to New York from Kansas Is a major change. Talk about a culture shock! I swear If someone says "you’s guys" to me one more time, I may go crazy! Hillary thinks It’s funny but I find It completely annoying. That’s what we have each other for though.
"Are you writing in your journal again?" Hillary said in an almost whinny voice as She sat down on my bed grabbing the book I had been reading.
"Yes. What else would I be doing?” I asked her rolling my eyes slightly.
"I dont know , streaking?" she mummbled as she flipped through its pages.
"Oh Hillary, you know me. I only do that when its raining and ive had a twelve pack" I said sarcastically.
She chuckled and laid the book down ontop of my pillow. She then stood up and pulled me out of my chair.
"Well come on, shut that off.Lets go out and get a latte or a hot chocolate at one of those all night coffee houses . What do ya say?"
I shook my head and looked toward my computer screen and then back at Hillary. I was a little hesitant but I knew I should go. The fact was that I hadnt been out of the house almost all day.
"Hillary you know I would but Im kinda in the middle of something and..,"
"And what? You cant do it later, you just have to do it now? You have to be boring and not have a life?" she interupted.
If there was one thing Hillary was good at , it was interupting people. If she could shed make it a profession. She looked down at the floor and stuck out her bottom lip in a pout.
"You just dont want to go out with me do you?" she asked with a sniffle.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. She was trying to give me a guilt trip and it worked.
I threw my arms up in the air and sighed "All right, lets go."
I reached for the my computer screen and hit the power button. I then headed toward the front door while grabbing my coat.
As we entered the local coffee house I instantly regretted coming in the first place. Every where I would look there were couples. Old couples, parents, teenagers. (God, get a room), I sighed and shook my head.
"Damn," I muttered as I looked around.
"What's wrong sweetie?" Hillary asked.
My silence answered her question.
"Adyn?"
I nodded and looked away. It wasn't like me to get shy all of a sudden, but she couldn't possibly understand the pain I was enduring. Yes, she knew about my family, just about the whole universe did. She’d never been dumped though. Hillary just wasn’t the type you dump. Then again you had to count in the factor that she hadn’t had many boyfriends in the first place. Hell, her parents set her up with Michael when they were two! Now she's about to be engaged. Michael made me swear not to tell her. Im happy for her but to me some people have all the luck.
"Adyn, men suck."
I snorted, and rolled my eyes."No shit.”
She went on, “Michael is a total control freak. He thinks he can tell me what to do, how to live my life. I will not join that Mormon church no matter what his mother thinks!"
I stopped in my foot steps and thought woah, Michael's Mormon? For some reason that came as a shock to me. He didn’t seem at all like the type. It made me wonder what she was going to do. I knew enough from my studies that Mormons do not convert to any other faith for any reason. That's like being disowned by family. If a Mormon marries outside of the Mormon faith, what happens then? I had a questioned look on my face but smiled. I couldn’t help but wonder if, with an attitude like that, he would go through with this?
Hillary and I walked over to a booth and sat down. It was awfully cold and much to my surprise at two a.m. the coffee house was bustling with business. I shook my head and looked toward Hillary. I was feeling quite uncomfortable and I was looking to her to break the silence. Why couldn’t I have just stayed at home, in my nice comfortable room, writing in my journal where I felt safe? Being here and seeing all these people together just made me more depressed.
"What are you getting?" Hillary asked as she waved her hand in front of my face breaking my train of thought.
"Oh um just whatever," I tell her to brush it off.
After a few minutes’ Hillary returns to the table with a Chocolate lover Lotte and a hot chocolate for me. It was too early for anything so sweet but the warmth of it helped a lot. Just as Hillary and I got into conversation I noticed a guy sitting at a booth infront of me with a pen and paper. He had been trying to write a song. I knew he had been watching me for quite some time and it was starting to freak me out. I smiled though. I couldn’t help but smile, he truly was one Of the best looking guys I had seen in awhile. There was this familiarity I noticed about him the more I watched. I felt like I knew him from somewhere but I couldn’t put my finger exactly where it was. I believe it was the way his hair came down over his eyes. I could hear him sing a couple of lyrics from what seemed to be a song he wrote and his voice sounded so angelic. He had the type of voice you could sing a baby to sleep with. Not to mention a god given talent, a way with words.
"I have to snap out of it" I told myself.
Looking toward Hillary I found her glaring at me evily.
"What is wrong with you? I’ve been asking you the same question for at least ten minutes now," She asked in a concerned tone of voice.
"Nothing im just tired, and you know me when I get tired I space out."
The truth was that I was just a tad bit tired. I had been up since seven that morning. It was already four a.m.. I felt like for myself to totally function right I had to get at least nine to ten hours of sleep. What could I say I was lazy. I took another sip of my hot chocolate as Hillary began to tell me about her and Michael’s plans for next weekend. I lay my head back on the booth smiling and nodding. In the middle of conversation Hillary stopped mid sentence and looked toward the counter.
"Wow girl would you look at that?" she licked her lips. I knew when Hillary licked her lips she found something she liked.
I laughed and said "Hillary contain yourself . . . I only have one word for you 'Michael' "
I turned my head to see what was so amazing. I found a guy dressed in a pair of kakis and a dress shirt with a tie standing at the counter. He had a semi buzz cut hair style that would lead you to think he was in the military.
Hillary kept smiling and looking him up and down. "Girl if Michael had a butt like that I wouldn’t have to be reminded of him . . . mmm on top of that I wasn’t saying for me, I was talking about you".
I just rolled my eyes. A few seconds later the guy walked past us and sat the booth of the guy who had been watching me.