The One Thing
My biggest fear is not failure, is not spiders, is not death. Even if those rank very high on the list.
My biggest fear is that my place with my family is as precarious as I feel and that I'm only being tolerated as long as I'm performing. I don't know why I feel like this, even though I know my mother loves me dearly, but every time I look into the mirror, that doubt is there.
Perhaps it's due to how my family disintegrated after my paternal grandfather's death and that we've never really got back together. My brother was in his last year of college and living away from home. My father was so lost in work, I never really saw him. My mom was still dealing with the loss of both her parents. And then we had my father's niece living with us, and we could never relax around her.
I feel like I'm not loved for me, but for my accomplishments sometimes. I feel like that if I should ever fail, I'll lose my home.
And that not only scares me, but makes me so sad.
It's like a festering wound that I try to hide behind smiles and quirky humor, but when I'm alone, I know it burns, asking me constantly, "What if?"
I don't like talking about it. I mostly likely will never tell my family. I refuse to even tell my friends, mostly because I feel like if I don't have a place with my own flesh and blood, do I really have a place with my friends?
I love my friends, all of them. And I'm grateful and blessed for having their friendship everyday, but again, those doubts resurface, which is why I refuse to put my burdens on anyone else. I bottle up, refusing to talk about it, and hide behind a smile, saying it's okay.
I know that some people think I have this very laissez-faire attitude, an almost devil-may-care outlook, but that's not the truth. The truth is that I have a very soft heart, and I desperately try to protect it with skin of steel.
But sometimes, I don't even think that works.
I actually don't even know why I'm posting this, but I'm hoping that if I can write it out, I can figure it and I can overcome it. One day, maybe.
Not today, not tomorrow, but one day, I hope I can accept that I'm loved, that I'm wanted, that I'm important for me.
My biggest fear is that my place with my family is as precarious as I feel and that I'm only being tolerated as long as I'm performing. I don't know why I feel like this, even though I know my mother loves me dearly, but every time I look into the mirror, that doubt is there.
Perhaps it's due to how my family disintegrated after my paternal grandfather's death and that we've never really got back together. My brother was in his last year of college and living away from home. My father was so lost in work, I never really saw him. My mom was still dealing with the loss of both her parents. And then we had my father's niece living with us, and we could never relax around her.
I feel like I'm not loved for me, but for my accomplishments sometimes. I feel like that if I should ever fail, I'll lose my home.
And that not only scares me, but makes me so sad.
It's like a festering wound that I try to hide behind smiles and quirky humor, but when I'm alone, I know it burns, asking me constantly, "What if?"
I don't like talking about it. I mostly likely will never tell my family. I refuse to even tell my friends, mostly because I feel like if I don't have a place with my own flesh and blood, do I really have a place with my friends?
I love my friends, all of them. And I'm grateful and blessed for having their friendship everyday, but again, those doubts resurface, which is why I refuse to put my burdens on anyone else. I bottle up, refusing to talk about it, and hide behind a smile, saying it's okay.
I know that some people think I have this very laissez-faire attitude, an almost devil-may-care outlook, but that's not the truth. The truth is that I have a very soft heart, and I desperately try to protect it with skin of steel.
But sometimes, I don't even think that works.
I actually don't even know why I'm posting this, but I'm hoping that if I can write it out, I can figure it and I can overcome it. One day, maybe.
Not today, not tomorrow, but one day, I hope I can accept that I'm loved, that I'm wanted, that I'm important for me.