A bit of processing
Sigh. I was pretty troubled this afternoon by how personally someone on the PDF planning list took a comment I made that asking others to stop pushing for an idea she disagreed with, even nicely, was a form of censorship. Despite breathing through whatever came up for me and employing all of my dialogue techniques to mirror, validate, and empathize, none of the things I've learned in the past two years of therapy seemed to be enough.
Fortunately I saw my therapist today, so I could ask him what this is about - what this is pointing to for me. Surprisingly, he said that I did fine. He said that once you take a leadership position in any organization, people will begin to transfer & project their shadow stuff onto you. Just look at the ways people (including yourself) perceive both Obama & McCain if you're not sure how transference works. Not that I'm comparing myself... So what this is for me is a chance to practice what to do when people project onto me. Goodness knows I need the practice - C does it often enough.
It's still such a weak muscle to be able to take that huge feeling that wells up in your chest and reassure it enough that it subsides, then - even when you think they're wrong, wrong, wrong - imagine what it's like for them, what it feels like to perceive what they've perceived, what is 100% true for them in their reality. I do this so well with my dear partner, but I'm just not as good at it with others.
And just the very act of telling someone what I think...I cannot possibly express how hard that was. For most of my life I have expended most of the energy in my life trying not to offend people, trying not to do or think or feel anything that would upset them. To stand up for something that didn't seem right to me would have been unthinkable not so long ago. Of course now I'm asking myself why I bothered. Except that it was important for me to make sure that the new people knew how the process worked, and that all options have a right to be on the table. Being a good steward for the new volunteers that can help this event be the best event it can be is something that evidently matters enough to me to begin to settle into being okay with the notion that this person's opinion of me may be forever ruined.
And really, this is the first time I've ever willingly gone into that place. So really I'm tremendously grateful to her for being my teacher in this, even as I know that I can't give her the apology she wants or ever possibly convey to her how important her being exactly who she is has been to my personal journey without making her feel insulted. And when I settle into that paradox, I feel pretty okay. And then compassion starts to creep in. And I find there's nothing to do but sit with it.
It's a funny old world.
Fortunately I saw my therapist today, so I could ask him what this is about - what this is pointing to for me. Surprisingly, he said that I did fine. He said that once you take a leadership position in any organization, people will begin to transfer & project their shadow stuff onto you. Just look at the ways people (including yourself) perceive both Obama & McCain if you're not sure how transference works. Not that I'm comparing myself... So what this is for me is a chance to practice what to do when people project onto me. Goodness knows I need the practice - C does it often enough.
It's still such a weak muscle to be able to take that huge feeling that wells up in your chest and reassure it enough that it subsides, then - even when you think they're wrong, wrong, wrong - imagine what it's like for them, what it feels like to perceive what they've perceived, what is 100% true for them in their reality. I do this so well with my dear partner, but I'm just not as good at it with others.
And just the very act of telling someone what I think...I cannot possibly express how hard that was. For most of my life I have expended most of the energy in my life trying not to offend people, trying not to do or think or feel anything that would upset them. To stand up for something that didn't seem right to me would have been unthinkable not so long ago. Of course now I'm asking myself why I bothered. Except that it was important for me to make sure that the new people knew how the process worked, and that all options have a right to be on the table. Being a good steward for the new volunteers that can help this event be the best event it can be is something that evidently matters enough to me to begin to settle into being okay with the notion that this person's opinion of me may be forever ruined.
And really, this is the first time I've ever willingly gone into that place. So really I'm tremendously grateful to her for being my teacher in this, even as I know that I can't give her the apology she wants or ever possibly convey to her how important her being exactly who she is has been to my personal journey without making her feel insulted. And when I settle into that paradox, I feel pretty okay. And then compassion starts to creep in. And I find there's nothing to do but sit with it.
It's a funny old world.