Thanks, Unconscious!

[illusiongrl]

I woke up this morning dreaming about community. At the end I was putting up a big banner with someone for some kind of workshop and we were talking and laughing. When I woke up, I realized that many of the people I've become close to, I've done so through doing something with them. I've expected to connect with people just by having things in

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[hortinski]

So I meant to comment on your first lament about this issue, and wrote and deleted my words several times, thinking they were trite or ill-formed. But for some reason I can't just let it go - so here it is, late, probably not all that topical anymore, and a little scattered:

I am really happy for this revelation of yours. I whole-heartedly believe that it is damn near impossible to meet new people and get established into groups of friends after college, regardless of location. Granted, I don't hang with half of the people I did eight years ago, but it was because my friend-groups evolved...people left, people joined, etc. etc.

I regularly read a site here in MN called MNSpeak - the topic of Minnesotan emotional-iciness regularly arises, and out-of-towners always blame the locals. We're a cold, distant, people they say. But I'm technically an out-of-towner here, too (didn't move here until 1996), and I'm set up just fine. BUT - most of my friends are out-of-towners, too, for whatever that's worth.

I believe that once you're out of school, once you're done living with crazy-diverse groups of people, all working together for the same educational goal, all fighting against the same crazy deadlines, you're on your own. There are no other organizations that bring people together quite like that.

As an adult with a child, you know exactly how busy you are, and you know how much you value your time, and so you rush around with your head down from point A to point B and have missed all the scenery. The problem is - everyone else is doing the same thing. So meeting people during errands and waiting to pick up C (your kids are there for the common goal, not you) just isn't going to happen.

Which means you need to schedule something social, and time for being social AFTER the scheduled social-time for the particular people you find a connection with. Groups in which you know there is going to be a decisive lack of itinerance (f-you, spellcheck) amongst the members. Join a choir. Check out Habitat for Humanity. Join the Tuesday night knitting circle at the local thread shop. Find a book club. Adopt a highway. Do any of these things, and then make sure you keep time open for drinks with the "cool people" afterward.

Yes, it's hard. But it's not impossible. And frankly, as a friend, you're a catch...so the problem is definitely not you. You just can't go fishing for crawdads in your bathroom sink, you know?

xo,
L