Scary Monsters and Super Creeps.
It took some willpower not to delete my last entry. Not that anyone would know because its set to private, so no one sees it anyways. I am filled with jealousy for other peoples lives. I see the improbability of my life and it burdens me. This is probably too clinical a way to put it. Maybe too theoretical. But I see the fatness of my stomach and I covet the fresh beauty of other women.
I see the...men.... the men I can never attain, never touch even for a moment. I see the writing on the arm, my arm, from my right hand to the flesh of my left and I see the failure in fading words: "I MUS N FIII...I WILL URN AND FAC..." I must not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. Fear is the little death which brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain. Only I will remain. Only I will remain. Is this supposed to be comforting? It is. It is strength incarnate but I still fear....petty things. A harsh word. Desperation. Swollen glands swollen for another. My anxiety over sex is palpable becuase I wrap it wround myself tighter than the faux shroud of turin with crucifix jewels Shannon wore after she shot her face off. After she shot her face off. I had the time to do homework today. I wasted it.
Something is welling up inside of me. Something that can't be impeded. something I would be able to control if I lived outside of my head.
Topher fucked me up a little worse than I'm letting on. I have every right to be mad, but I'm not. Because you know who fucked me up the worst? the absolute worse that I feel a blush starting at my spine and crawling into my face when I think of his name his last name because it was the only goddamn remarkable thing about him: Steinhardt. And why was i stuck on him? Because my sex life with him was the best, eventhough I entirely made it up. The follies of high school befoul my reason and I think I still might think that unrequited love is the only option left open to me. Its all I've got. Books and no praise.
Yeah you shouldn't need a man to feel happy. But I need the endorphins the sex would release.
I see the...men.... the men I can never attain, never touch even for a moment. I see the writing on the arm, my arm, from my right hand to the flesh of my left and I see the failure in fading words: "I MUS N FIII...I WILL URN AND FAC..." I must not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. Fear is the little death which brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain. Only I will remain. Only I will remain. Is this supposed to be comforting? It is. It is strength incarnate but I still fear....petty things. A harsh word. Desperation. Swollen glands swollen for another. My anxiety over sex is palpable becuase I wrap it wround myself tighter than the faux shroud of turin with crucifix jewels Shannon wore after she shot her face off. After she shot her face off. I had the time to do homework today. I wasted it.
Something is welling up inside of me. Something that can't be impeded. something I would be able to control if I lived outside of my head.
Topher fucked me up a little worse than I'm letting on. I have every right to be mad, but I'm not. Because you know who fucked me up the worst? the absolute worse that I feel a blush starting at my spine and crawling into my face when I think of his name his last name because it was the only goddamn remarkable thing about him: Steinhardt. And why was i stuck on him? Because my sex life with him was the best, eventhough I entirely made it up. The follies of high school befoul my reason and I think I still might think that unrequited love is the only option left open to me. Its all I've got. Books and no praise.
Yeah you shouldn't need a man to feel happy. But I need the endorphins the sex would release.