i sense there will be a lot of these entries soon...
I'm going to get this out of the way, before my words get lost in the rush of things.
I got home today, and realized that I loved senior year. It was full of heartache, but I loved it more than any other year in school, ever. I lived. I had more knowledge, freedoms, and strength I didn't have in years past. I found where I really belong, and found the people who truly respect and understand me. You have no idea how happy that makes me.
It slightly angers me the thought of having to finally leave what I've known for so long; I mean, I've lived in the same house since I was four. I've gone through every grade in the Troy School District. My mom told me she counted 50 or so kids in my senior yearbook that I started kindergarten with. It's crazy!
If you know me, change, especially huge changes like this, scare the freaking crap out of me. It's just a part of my personality. My thoughts about change always are along the lines of "Why change when things are already good?" I know it will work out, but... I'm always fearing the possibility that I'll really mess up my life.
I've recently realized that my brain and heart are not on great terms. They always seem to clash, especially in emotional matters such as these. My mind is quick to rationalize, but my heart is never affected by any excuse. Things are just the way they are and there's no control over how one feels, in my heart's opinion. That's why I've been aching so long. But I'm definitely not the only one who feels the same way.
I've built my life for the past year or so trying to find out why the fuck the world is the way it is. And I have concluded it's because that's the way it is! Sure, our decisions affect our lives and other people's lives and it changes how life pans out for us, but... there are some things that can't ever really be explained.
If I sound really defensive and rude sometimes, I'm really sorry. I've just been really hurting lately. My spirit is distressed. I've been getting angry not only because of consistent failure, but because I'm trying to defend myself and rationalize things, so I don't get hurt more. I admit, it's a fear. I'm slowly trying to let myself face what I'm afraid of, and I'm trying to be less ashamed of talking about who I am and what I'm interested in, no matter how "weird" it is.
My mind has all the confidence in the world, but my heart? Not so much. It's gone through a TON of rejection. Not just from people, but from different aspects and events of life, big and small. My mind is full of agility and has boundless optimism. But my heart? It's familiar with hope, but feels stifled and ignored.
How will I fix this? I have some ideas that are worth a try, but I still don't have a definite answer.
Well, I certainly went on a tangent. But I guess that's what I really wanted to say. However, pertaining to the end of the school year, the end of high school. I know some people are like "so?" when I say I'm sad I'm leaving high school. Yes, college will probably be a better enviornment for me, but high school is an irreplaceable experience. Sure there were shitty people, shitty days, and loads of work I never really wanted to do, but it was all worth it. Every second. I don't regret ANYTHING. I never want to live with regrets. I mean, I do regret stuff when I miss an opportunity, but I quickly find another opportunity and take it, and it's all good. More specifically, I don't want to live with regrets in the long run, and so far, I have no "long-run" regrets.
I think everything that happens is always meant to happen, especially with the consequences of our actions. I believe that things happen for people the way they are supposed to, so weaknesses are challenged everyday. It is up to that person how much they want to be able to find that strength to counter what is bothering him or her. I have done the best I could with that, and that's why I don't have any regrets. I chose to really live my life, and I'm never going back to just watching life go past me. I needed high school to make me realize how much life was really worth.
So thank you, Troy High. Though our district is ridicously spoiled and our school definitely has our share of problems, this was where I was supposed to be, and MSU is where I'm supposed to be next fall. It's all because I have faith in fate.
On the lighter side, I'm going to post A BUNCH of exciting pictures soon from the past couple months. Horrah!!! :D
I got home today, and realized that I loved senior year. It was full of heartache, but I loved it more than any other year in school, ever. I lived. I had more knowledge, freedoms, and strength I didn't have in years past. I found where I really belong, and found the people who truly respect and understand me. You have no idea how happy that makes me.
It slightly angers me the thought of having to finally leave what I've known for so long; I mean, I've lived in the same house since I was four. I've gone through every grade in the Troy School District. My mom told me she counted 50 or so kids in my senior yearbook that I started kindergarten with. It's crazy!
If you know me, change, especially huge changes like this, scare the freaking crap out of me. It's just a part of my personality. My thoughts about change always are along the lines of "Why change when things are already good?" I know it will work out, but... I'm always fearing the possibility that I'll really mess up my life.
I've recently realized that my brain and heart are not on great terms. They always seem to clash, especially in emotional matters such as these. My mind is quick to rationalize, but my heart is never affected by any excuse. Things are just the way they are and there's no control over how one feels, in my heart's opinion. That's why I've been aching so long. But I'm definitely not the only one who feels the same way.
I've built my life for the past year or so trying to find out why the fuck the world is the way it is. And I have concluded it's because that's the way it is! Sure, our decisions affect our lives and other people's lives and it changes how life pans out for us, but... there are some things that can't ever really be explained.
If I sound really defensive and rude sometimes, I'm really sorry. I've just been really hurting lately. My spirit is distressed. I've been getting angry not only because of consistent failure, but because I'm trying to defend myself and rationalize things, so I don't get hurt more. I admit, it's a fear. I'm slowly trying to let myself face what I'm afraid of, and I'm trying to be less ashamed of talking about who I am and what I'm interested in, no matter how "weird" it is.
My mind has all the confidence in the world, but my heart? Not so much. It's gone through a TON of rejection. Not just from people, but from different aspects and events of life, big and small. My mind is full of agility and has boundless optimism. But my heart? It's familiar with hope, but feels stifled and ignored.
How will I fix this? I have some ideas that are worth a try, but I still don't have a definite answer.
Well, I certainly went on a tangent. But I guess that's what I really wanted to say. However, pertaining to the end of the school year, the end of high school. I know some people are like "so?" when I say I'm sad I'm leaving high school. Yes, college will probably be a better enviornment for me, but high school is an irreplaceable experience. Sure there were shitty people, shitty days, and loads of work I never really wanted to do, but it was all worth it. Every second. I don't regret ANYTHING. I never want to live with regrets. I mean, I do regret stuff when I miss an opportunity, but I quickly find another opportunity and take it, and it's all good. More specifically, I don't want to live with regrets in the long run, and so far, I have no "long-run" regrets.
I think everything that happens is always meant to happen, especially with the consequences of our actions. I believe that things happen for people the way they are supposed to, so weaknesses are challenged everyday. It is up to that person how much they want to be able to find that strength to counter what is bothering him or her. I have done the best I could with that, and that's why I don't have any regrets. I chose to really live my life, and I'm never going back to just watching life go past me. I needed high school to make me realize how much life was really worth.
So thank you, Troy High. Though our district is ridicously spoiled and our school definitely has our share of problems, this was where I was supposed to be, and MSU is where I'm supposed to be next fall. It's all because I have faith in fate.
On the lighter side, I'm going to post A BUNCH of exciting pictures soon from the past couple months. Horrah!!! :D