(no subject)
Quite frankly, I went pretty crazy over the weekend. My emotions were haywire. I was pretty depressed today, but as the school day went by I calmed down and cheered up slowly. But in a way, I think I needed that particular roller coaster ride to finally decide to get off for good.
There's a lot of things I want to say to certain people, but they aren't coming out. Maybe I'm not meant to say them now. I can't close this chapter of my life, it seems. Maybe it has to close on its own accord. But dear god and all that is holy, please let that happen before I go off to college in August. I want to leave Troy with all loose ends are tied up. If things aren't really settled, well, at least I want it to feel settled within me.
I need to find an equilibrium between my mind and my heart. I used to be overly controlled by emotions to the point where I was depressed constantly and people yelled at me for it. Then I tried to control my emotions myself to the point where I couldn't cry for months. I realize I can't change how I feel inside. I feel how I feel and that's something I know I can't change. However, I can control how much emotions I express. And when some feeling or emotional situation pops up that I can't feel I can handle now... well, I'll just distract myself, change the subject in my head. I can't make it go away, but I can cope.
Of course there will be hormones and stuff; I'll do my best not to wreck anyone's day because of it, but I'll still vent somehow. Sometimes it will be a private expression of emotions, but if I think I really need the help or support or advice or love of someone else, of course I'll recruit them to aid me. Of course, I'll do the same with all my other friends who need my attention. =)
I've been striving to improve at school, too. I think I can get all A's this semester. Yeah, I fell a little behind because of worrying/staying busy over the weekend, but I can catch up. I know I'm capable of doing so. This also means I'm going to cut down on procrastination, not studying, and late work.
I knew change was coming for me. I wanted it just to do its thing and get away from me. That's not possible though; it's a gradual process. I just have to apply it gradually, as I need it.
It's time to improve my life. I knew what to do for a long time, but I know how to put it into action now without putting me into shock. =)
There's a lot of things I want to say to certain people, but they aren't coming out. Maybe I'm not meant to say them now. I can't close this chapter of my life, it seems. Maybe it has to close on its own accord. But dear god and all that is holy, please let that happen before I go off to college in August. I want to leave Troy with all loose ends are tied up. If things aren't really settled, well, at least I want it to feel settled within me.
I need to find an equilibrium between my mind and my heart. I used to be overly controlled by emotions to the point where I was depressed constantly and people yelled at me for it. Then I tried to control my emotions myself to the point where I couldn't cry for months. I realize I can't change how I feel inside. I feel how I feel and that's something I know I can't change. However, I can control how much emotions I express. And when some feeling or emotional situation pops up that I can't feel I can handle now... well, I'll just distract myself, change the subject in my head. I can't make it go away, but I can cope.
Of course there will be hormones and stuff; I'll do my best not to wreck anyone's day because of it, but I'll still vent somehow. Sometimes it will be a private expression of emotions, but if I think I really need the help or support or advice or love of someone else, of course I'll recruit them to aid me. Of course, I'll do the same with all my other friends who need my attention. =)
I've been striving to improve at school, too. I think I can get all A's this semester. Yeah, I fell a little behind because of worrying/staying busy over the weekend, but I can catch up. I know I'm capable of doing so. This also means I'm going to cut down on procrastination, not studying, and late work.
I knew change was coming for me. I wanted it just to do its thing and get away from me. That's not possible though; it's a gradual process. I just have to apply it gradually, as I need it.
It's time to improve my life. I knew what to do for a long time, but I know how to put it into action now without putting me into shock. =)