The Ghost of a Good Thing?
He doesn't make much sense to me. All the love in the world is in his eyes one minute. and then the next, I'm frustrated, confused...and alone. All over again.
What am I doing?
Unconditional love is something you work at and something you keep. Always. And it is never ever conditional.
I am confused as to the kind of love I feel so I understand if he is too. But why?
Why do I always feel let down. Disappointed. Rejected. lame.
Thats not the way this is supposed to work...
And then he smiles like nothing ever happened. Like we've been happy little birds and bees all this time. Like cloudy skies and stormy seas never existed for us.
WELL HOW CAN YOU PRETEND THAT?!
We weathered it. It's over! So why pretend it wasn't there?
My heart longs for him. Yet he stands by my side. He holds my hand and kisses my forehead and tells me it's gonna be alright, yet at the same time, he leaves me. He leaves me over and over and over again. Not physically, no. But in his heart.
I feel him sometimes. I feel his heart beating in that same familiar tune, harmonizing with mine. And it is intoxicating.
But then the silence...
The silence is deafening. And at those times I want to SCREAM AT HIM! SCREAM until I have no voice. Exhaust it all on him... because then maybe... maybe........ maybe? Maybe what?
Maybe we'll be happy birds and bees?
Maybe we'll fall madly in love all over again? Maybe WHAT!?!?!
WHAT IS IT?
How am I not getting what I want? How is my body and my heart and my mind all disagreeing with the other? A three-way tie.
What?
Who is he? A man? A BOY. Who wants...what? A lover? A friend? A familiar face?
What?
And who does that make me? A girl? A lonely lonely girl? Who misses what she had. Who lives vicariously through the ghost of a good thing? Or is this real? It feels real? It looks real? It tastes real... So is it real?
A Girl so blinded by her foolishness she can't see that she's faking happy? But she isn't.
I am happy. More often then not. So happy to love and to be loved.
To intertwine with something so familiar, so right, so intricately designed... happy.
But then a sharp pain. When he doesn't seem to care.. when I can't gain back my confidence, when he suddenly isn't who I remembered him to be.
He went away. On a long vacation... and never seemed to come back...
But why?
It's 2 o'clock AM and a phone call:
"I just wanted to say that I love you so much and you mean the world to me."
I smile.
My heart flutters. I have no reason to question intention.
WHY SAY IT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT?
Is there any advantage in that? No. No NONO NO!!!! So then why?
Having me wrapped around his finger doesn't do him any good. And if it does?
God what am I doing? Am I loving? Am I fleeing? And I'm hoping too much or am I dying? Am I making a mistake? Or am I going against all odds? Am I winning? Am I fighting? Am I losing? AM I wrong? Am I weak? Am I strong? Am I doing this the hard way, to find what I know is right? Or am I taking the easy way out, because I don't want to be alone?
I don't fear loneliness.
Because loneliness just won't exist if I refuse to allow it.
Why do I want this? This isn't what I want? This is what I want.
So why am I incomplete?
Why does NOTHING make sense to me anymore?
What am I doing?
Unconditional love is something you work at and something you keep. Always. And it is never ever conditional.
I am confused as to the kind of love I feel so I understand if he is too. But why?
Why do I always feel let down. Disappointed. Rejected. lame.
Thats not the way this is supposed to work...
And then he smiles like nothing ever happened. Like we've been happy little birds and bees all this time. Like cloudy skies and stormy seas never existed for us.
WELL HOW CAN YOU PRETEND THAT?!
We weathered it. It's over! So why pretend it wasn't there?
My heart longs for him. Yet he stands by my side. He holds my hand and kisses my forehead and tells me it's gonna be alright, yet at the same time, he leaves me. He leaves me over and over and over again. Not physically, no. But in his heart.
I feel him sometimes. I feel his heart beating in that same familiar tune, harmonizing with mine. And it is intoxicating.
But then the silence...
The silence is deafening. And at those times I want to SCREAM AT HIM! SCREAM until I have no voice. Exhaust it all on him... because then maybe... maybe........ maybe? Maybe what?
Maybe we'll be happy birds and bees?
Maybe we'll fall madly in love all over again? Maybe WHAT!?!?!
WHAT IS IT?
How am I not getting what I want? How is my body and my heart and my mind all disagreeing with the other? A three-way tie.
What?
Who is he? A man? A BOY. Who wants...what? A lover? A friend? A familiar face?
What?
And who does that make me? A girl? A lonely lonely girl? Who misses what she had. Who lives vicariously through the ghost of a good thing? Or is this real? It feels real? It looks real? It tastes real... So is it real?
A Girl so blinded by her foolishness she can't see that she's faking happy? But she isn't.
I am happy. More often then not. So happy to love and to be loved.
To intertwine with something so familiar, so right, so intricately designed... happy.
But then a sharp pain. When he doesn't seem to care.. when I can't gain back my confidence, when he suddenly isn't who I remembered him to be.
He went away. On a long vacation... and never seemed to come back...
But why?
It's 2 o'clock AM and a phone call:
"I just wanted to say that I love you so much and you mean the world to me."
I smile.
My heart flutters. I have no reason to question intention.
WHY SAY IT IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT?
Is there any advantage in that? No. No NONO NO!!!! So then why?
Having me wrapped around his finger doesn't do him any good. And if it does?
God what am I doing? Am I loving? Am I fleeing? And I'm hoping too much or am I dying? Am I making a mistake? Or am I going against all odds? Am I winning? Am I fighting? Am I losing? AM I wrong? Am I weak? Am I strong? Am I doing this the hard way, to find what I know is right? Or am I taking the easy way out, because I don't want to be alone?
I don't fear loneliness.
Because loneliness just won't exist if I refuse to allow it.
Why do I want this? This isn't what I want? This is what I want.
So why am I incomplete?
Why does NOTHING make sense to me anymore?