Starting Now, I'm Starting Over
It's been a pretty crazy past couple of weeks. I found out some things I wish I never found out. It's weird. How you know someone so well, and you spend (waste) a huge chunk of your life with them and then one thing can happen and change it all. I have been floored. And then awakened. I feel like I have made a huge realization about my life and the people that I allow in my life, the people that I do life with. The people that you do life with determine the quality of your life. That's just the way it is, and always will be. The people that you surround yourself with are the biggest factor in how you lead your life and the biggest factor in looking back and saying "wow, what great times we had" or "god, I wish I could go back and undo that"
That all has to do with the people. Life and everything we do in life is based off of relations and our interactions with the people that surround us. Some of those people we choose to be around and some of those people are around due to circumstances and environments that we choose, i.e. school, work, clubs or organizations.
So it's strange to me to feel these feelings I am at this time in my life. To look back and remember such fondness for someone but yet currently feel so much negativity and pain due to the same someone. Its hard for me to comprehend the human nature of that. It happens. Its not a surprise, people have hurt me in the past, its not like I have never experience anything like this or been near someone who has experienced this its not an unfamiliar thing but yet for some odd reason, its hard to fully understand.
Its hard to understand how we get close to people and have these relationships with people and it impacts our lives so much. And we feel love for these people but then only shortly down the road, the circumstances change universally. And I know that this is not the last time I am going to feel this way either. I know that again somewhere down the road I will be hurt again by someone else in my life, through a decision that they make.
I understood that he made this decision. That he decided, when he met this other girl that he wanted to know her. He decided that he wanted to get close to her. Then he started feelings that follow when you meet someone you are interested in and when you get close to them. Then he didn't know what to do about me. So he decided to just not do anything. Then he decided to screw up. He decided to keep me in the dark. For whatever intentions, I could imagine what those intentions where but I don't care. Then he decided to cheat. Then he decided to deal with it how he thought best.
So I understand all that. I understand that the decisions he thought was best for him, hurt me. Unbelievably. That makes sense. How people make decisions that affect other people and sometimes hurt other people. I know he didn't just hurt me, he hurt her, and thats who he's trying to make a relationship work with. I get it. And it would be stupidly self-absorbed to think i was the only one who got hit in the crossfire. I know I'm not. And it would be foolish to say that its not hard on him, hello, he's human. But all of that isn't what I'm having a hard time with, I mean, don't get me wrong, thats what hurts, that's the salt in the fresh wound, but thats not what's so hard for me to deal with. Because I get it. It sucks, but I get it.
I am having a hard time with figuring out how as humans, we work. How do we connect. Then disconnect. How do we build only to destroy? Not only physically, but emotionally. How can we continue to grow more and more complex but somehow at some point in our lives, can connect to someone as equally complex, and in that sense, in the sense of complexity, be so extremely, unbelievably different from ourselves. And then as our lives are parallel for a moment, for a blink of time, they can suddenly be so different. And our complex system of emotions and thoughts gets hurt and we are supposed to be able to function with that!? We spend so much time intricately inter-weaving the tapestry of our lives only to rip it apart later. But we can't be expected to guard ourselves for all time and refuse to allow the connections and formation of a life together, because then we rob ourselves the richness of life and relation. So we risk it.
We allow ourselves possible future pain beyond all knowing of other pain, and we do it knowingly. A pain that as humans, we are the only creature on this planet designed to feel. A pain that as humans we must know before we die. A pain that man and woman can feel alike, but yet the complexities! The Complex system of emotions, we can never fully know how someone else has felt that pain!
I am having a really hard time accepting that someday I will share my life with someone again and begin that interwoven tapestry once more and feel so remarkably whole again... only to understand that it is a risk. Only to understand that this other human being that I have so deeply come to care for could possibly not return the same system of emotions. Because we are so complex what is the probability that he will feel exactly what I feel exactly when I feel it?
As a human, how do I know that I am designed to feel this pain again. How do I accept that? Because understanding it, doesn't make it hurt any less. Understanding the connectivity and relation between people and then understanding the inevitability and unpredictability of change doesn't make it easier to lift my head up high ready to face it again....
Conclusions that I've come to in my recent past, that I need to really figure this out. I need to really figure out me. Andrea Trimbur. I need to figure out my heart and my mind and be at one with myself before I can understand anything before I can prepare to give all of that to someone else someday. And I understand that on the path that I am on, now is the time in my life to focus. To focus my attentions on a career. To focus on building something in my life I can be proud of. But all the while, finding the remarkable balance of surrounding myself with people that will continue to enrich my life and not devalue it. I have to figure out a solid truth, and unwavering constant in who I am. And only then will I be closer to understanding the possibilities of life and of love. And I will be closer to being at peace with what has happened in my life in the past few weeks.
Peace, is really all that I seek. I want to set my heart at peace and be okay with who I am and where I am and where I am headed.
I decided it was time for some new beginnings.
This is life. It's the only one I get. Let's make it worth while.
An Arizona Sunset that need to be captured...
That all has to do with the people. Life and everything we do in life is based off of relations and our interactions with the people that surround us. Some of those people we choose to be around and some of those people are around due to circumstances and environments that we choose, i.e. school, work, clubs or organizations.
So it's strange to me to feel these feelings I am at this time in my life. To look back and remember such fondness for someone but yet currently feel so much negativity and pain due to the same someone. Its hard for me to comprehend the human nature of that. It happens. Its not a surprise, people have hurt me in the past, its not like I have never experience anything like this or been near someone who has experienced this its not an unfamiliar thing but yet for some odd reason, its hard to fully understand.
Its hard to understand how we get close to people and have these relationships with people and it impacts our lives so much. And we feel love for these people but then only shortly down the road, the circumstances change universally. And I know that this is not the last time I am going to feel this way either. I know that again somewhere down the road I will be hurt again by someone else in my life, through a decision that they make.
I understood that he made this decision. That he decided, when he met this other girl that he wanted to know her. He decided that he wanted to get close to her. Then he started feelings that follow when you meet someone you are interested in and when you get close to them. Then he didn't know what to do about me. So he decided to just not do anything. Then he decided to screw up. He decided to keep me in the dark. For whatever intentions, I could imagine what those intentions where but I don't care. Then he decided to cheat. Then he decided to deal with it how he thought best.
So I understand all that. I understand that the decisions he thought was best for him, hurt me. Unbelievably. That makes sense. How people make decisions that affect other people and sometimes hurt other people. I know he didn't just hurt me, he hurt her, and thats who he's trying to make a relationship work with. I get it. And it would be stupidly self-absorbed to think i was the only one who got hit in the crossfire. I know I'm not. And it would be foolish to say that its not hard on him, hello, he's human. But all of that isn't what I'm having a hard time with, I mean, don't get me wrong, thats what hurts, that's the salt in the fresh wound, but thats not what's so hard for me to deal with. Because I get it. It sucks, but I get it.
I am having a hard time with figuring out how as humans, we work. How do we connect. Then disconnect. How do we build only to destroy? Not only physically, but emotionally. How can we continue to grow more and more complex but somehow at some point in our lives, can connect to someone as equally complex, and in that sense, in the sense of complexity, be so extremely, unbelievably different from ourselves. And then as our lives are parallel for a moment, for a blink of time, they can suddenly be so different. And our complex system of emotions and thoughts gets hurt and we are supposed to be able to function with that!? We spend so much time intricately inter-weaving the tapestry of our lives only to rip it apart later. But we can't be expected to guard ourselves for all time and refuse to allow the connections and formation of a life together, because then we rob ourselves the richness of life and relation. So we risk it.
We allow ourselves possible future pain beyond all knowing of other pain, and we do it knowingly. A pain that as humans, we are the only creature on this planet designed to feel. A pain that as humans we must know before we die. A pain that man and woman can feel alike, but yet the complexities! The Complex system of emotions, we can never fully know how someone else has felt that pain!
I am having a really hard time accepting that someday I will share my life with someone again and begin that interwoven tapestry once more and feel so remarkably whole again... only to understand that it is a risk. Only to understand that this other human being that I have so deeply come to care for could possibly not return the same system of emotions. Because we are so complex what is the probability that he will feel exactly what I feel exactly when I feel it?
As a human, how do I know that I am designed to feel this pain again. How do I accept that? Because understanding it, doesn't make it hurt any less. Understanding the connectivity and relation between people and then understanding the inevitability and unpredictability of change doesn't make it easier to lift my head up high ready to face it again....
Conclusions that I've come to in my recent past, that I need to really figure this out. I need to really figure out me. Andrea Trimbur. I need to figure out my heart and my mind and be at one with myself before I can understand anything before I can prepare to give all of that to someone else someday. And I understand that on the path that I am on, now is the time in my life to focus. To focus my attentions on a career. To focus on building something in my life I can be proud of. But all the while, finding the remarkable balance of surrounding myself with people that will continue to enrich my life and not devalue it. I have to figure out a solid truth, and unwavering constant in who I am. And only then will I be closer to understanding the possibilities of life and of love. And I will be closer to being at peace with what has happened in my life in the past few weeks.
Peace, is really all that I seek. I want to set my heart at peace and be okay with who I am and where I am and where I am headed.
I decided it was time for some new beginnings.
This is life. It's the only one I get. Let's make it worth while.
An Arizona Sunset that need to be captured...