Re: me-missing-ufloatingleafApril 10 2011, 02:25:42 UTC
At one point, I felt as I was too much to you; as if I - as Me, was too far away, beyond the real affection and too fucking bold and weird and wicked. Etc.
Yes. I just couldn't understand the WHY and HOW of your fascination - I mean, we were just getting to know each other, and it was very exciting and wonderful and all, but... it seemed as though you had created some idealized version of me in your head and fallen in love with that conceptual person, and I didn't even know who she was. I still don't. I still don't even know who YOU are. And I never will, unless we actually INTERACT on a more-or-less regular basis for the next few months/years/however long it takes to get to know someone well enough (for real) to fall in love with them. At least that's how things work for me. I am not questioning the sincerity of your feelings - only my own "aptitude" in being their object, so to speak. To give an example of what I mean - I have this wild crush on Viggo, right?... But do I actually know if I would want to live with him as his lover/partner/wife etc.?... Of course I don't. Because my idealized "concept" of Viggo might be very different from how he actually is in real life. And if I tell him that I love him, it will only make him feel uncomfortable, because he KNOWS that I haven't had a chance to meet the "real" him. Not that I am comparing myself to Viggo or your feelings to a celebrity crush - but I think internet acquaintances often work in a similar way. Because it's easy to form an image of someone that will never be "verified" against reality.
That is the only way I can explain your feelings for me. I didn't mean to offend you in any way, just to explain why I wasn't comfortable with your, uhm... advances. I simply needed more time and opportunity to get to know you better. And the fact that you seem to think you know me so well we don't even need to stay in touch (because I am "a part of you") only reinforces that feeling. The one I talked about before. That it isn't really ME that's become a part of you, but some version of me created in your head, outside of my knowledge. And yes, that is a bit scary.
Again, I apologize if my brutal honesty is hurting you. But I realized I'd rather hurt people by revealing the truth than by avoiding it. I've had it happen before where I kept my mouth shut to protect someone's feelings, and then ended up hurting them even more in the end, because they discovered what I was trying to hide anyway. So maybe now I am being too forthcoming as a result. Feel free to scold me, or ignore me, or whatever. Regardless of it all, I wish you luck in finding someone who can be everything you need. *hugs*
Yes. I just couldn't understand the WHY and HOW of your fascination - I mean, we were just getting to know each other, and it was very exciting and wonderful and all, but... it seemed as though you had created some idealized version of me in your head and fallen in love with that conceptual person, and I didn't even know who she was. I still don't. I still don't even know who YOU are. And I never will, unless we actually INTERACT on a more-or-less regular basis for the next few months/years/however long it takes to get to know someone well enough (for real) to fall in love with them. At least that's how things work for me. I am not questioning the sincerity of your feelings - only my own "aptitude" in being their object, so to speak. To give an example of what I mean - I have this wild crush on Viggo, right?... But do I actually know if I would want to live with him as his lover/partner/wife etc.?... Of course I don't. Because my idealized "concept" of Viggo might be very different from how he actually is in real life. And if I tell him that I love him, it will only make him feel uncomfortable, because he KNOWS that I haven't had a chance to meet the "real" him. Not that I am comparing myself to Viggo or your feelings to a celebrity crush - but I think internet acquaintances often work in a similar way. Because it's easy to form an image of someone that will never be "verified" against reality.
That is the only way I can explain your feelings for me. I didn't mean to offend you in any way, just to explain why I wasn't comfortable with your, uhm... advances. I simply needed more time and opportunity to get to know you better. And the fact that you seem to think you know me so well we don't even need to stay in touch (because I am "a part of you") only reinforces that feeling. The one I talked about before. That it isn't really ME that's become a part of you, but some version of me created in your head, outside of my knowledge. And yes, that is a bit scary.
Again, I apologize if my brutal honesty is hurting you. But I realized I'd rather hurt people by revealing the truth than by avoiding it. I've had it happen before where I kept my mouth shut to protect someone's feelings, and then ended up hurting them even more in the end, because they discovered what I was trying to hide anyway. So maybe now I am being too forthcoming as a result. Feel free to scold me, or ignore me, or whatever. Regardless of it all, I wish you luck in finding someone who can be everything you need. *hugs*
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