I wasn't trying to evaluate you in any way; in other words, neither a compliment nor an insult.;) Just trying to make sense of things, as it were.
Geniuses are probably only the rare few people who find a middle-way to actually communicate their insanity to the outside world
That could very well be true.:)
But really, I’m quite an open book for anyone who wants to travel through the pages. Or, so I thought.
I know you are not trying to be mysterious on purpose, or anything like that. You seem very sincere in expressing your thoughts and feelings. What I was trying to say is that sometimes the language you use to describe your thought processes is totally incomprehensible to me. And I don't mean "language" as in your level of fluency in English, which is brilliant. I mean the way your mind works - and I never thought I'd say this of anyone, but you seem almost too deep/complex for me. Or at least operating on some sort of different wavelength that my receivers don't pick up (if that makes sense). But then again, maybe it only seems that way because I used to think we had a very deep connection, and I was sort of expecting to be able to "get" you much better. You keep surprising me, or puzzling me, all the time, and I am not sure how to deal with that. But that is totally my problem, not yours.:)
me-missing-uilluins_lairMarch 25 2011, 23:11:01 UTC
Just trying to make sense of things, as it were. That is alright I suppose. I haven't made much sense overall, I guess. Like, ever. Nevermind. I didn't expect to be understood anytime soon.
Though, I am very sorry to having hurt you, if that is the case (I am not sure, but I fucking sense it) Hence I suspect that everything I make - made - will make is a slight lil failure because I'm sincerely human… *duct tapes self* Want you to know that; Y... in case you DONT KNOW IT YET; I Wish u joy - ALWAYS!
Hope you recognize at least the intention. I feel a bit lost at the rest. (no, don't deal with it if it's just a headache in the end, pleweeze)
I guess, all I sincerely would like to deal with right now is... 'Why are you angry with me?' Because, it makes me feel worse than shit. =( I ...simply don't understand.
On the other hand, it could be just me; imagining things and so be it well with that and fuck the rest etc.
Yeah. anyway I feel like misery. If that was your intention... um... congrats.
Re: me-missing-ufloatingleafMarch 26 2011, 05:33:39 UTC
Huh?... *blinks*
I am not angry with you. I am just... confused. I seem to be getting conflicting messages for the past few months. It feels like I am unable to "read" you anymore - and it frustrates me, because I don't want to loose the connection I thought we had. I am not saying this is your fault in any way - that's just how it feels to me, and I can't figure out why.:(
It was never my intention to make you feel miserable, and I sincerely apologize if I came across that way. This is some sort of communication failure, again.:(
I just... I don't know what to make of your random disappearances and equally random re-appearances after I have almost managed come to terms with the fact that you are gone... yet again. It's like trying to have a conversation on a broken phone... catching snatches of random unfinished phrases, repeating yourself just in case you were not heard... shouting into silence. Will there be an echo this time?...
Of course, this is all perfectly fine if we are just casual, random acquaintances - in this case, please disregard the previous paragraph and forget all about it, and I will try to do the same. But a lot of the things you said made me feel that we were more than that - hence the confusion. The kind of friendship I thought we had a good chance at takes time to develop (at least it does for me) - and we don't seem to have any. Time, that is. So maybe we should put the whole thing on hold - postpone the conversation until the phone line is fixed, so to speak (to use the previous metaphor). I don't know. Right now I feel like I'm standing outside in the cold, peeking in through a window that has been closed in my face. Only sometimes the curtains part and a random hand waves hello at me, as though nothing ever happened. Maybe I should go home and mind my own business until that random hand knocks on my door instead, you know? But with each random wave, I think that maybe the door will open this time...
Again, if this is where we are for the forseeable future, then fine, I'll deal with it - but I would like to KNOW. I understand about life and stuff happening and shit and all - but if you interact with someone pretty much on a daily basis and then they suddenly go MIA for weeks/months on end, surely you expect at least some sort of warning/explanation?... Otherwise you worry that something really bad might have happened to them, no?... And then of course you're relieved and happy when they're back... but if the same thing happens over and over again, and each time they act like it didn't happen at all, you begin to wonder what it's all about. Or at least, I begin to wonder.
Sorry if I upset you - maybe it's not my business to be talking to you like that at all... If it's not, then just say so and I will stop. Promise.;)
Re: me-missing-uilluins_lairApril 8 2011, 22:21:55 UTC
I seem to be getting conflicting messages for the past few months. It feels like I am unable to "read" you anymore - and it frustrates me, because I don't want to loose the connection I thought we had.
I know that - as in.. I’m aware of it, and... also; it is absolutely_not how I intended it to be. With you. (Duh!) Not at ALL Perhaps... it's me having to live up to something I can't? And I am kind of alone in the game? The conflicting messages is probably just me trying to reconnect with Life again - and I understand it can be confusing for you. I haven't been very Present, if that is what you refer to, and I am aware of that. There was a time when I could give You all the attention, and it was precious to me; every fucking moment.. because I sincerely NEVER felt like that for someone during these circumstances. I never HAD these circumstances! Though.. I guess.. somewhere along (because I'm changing too, you know...) I wasn't getting a reciprocate feeling... a mutual affection from you - call it what you like.. but in the end I felt as if it was Me being in pursuit of You. And that is NOT what I want. I want to be desired too, y'know...
Re: me-missing-ufloatingleafApril 9 2011, 01:45:30 UTC
Perhaps... it's me having to live up to something I can't? And I am kind of alone in the game?
Then perhaps we are both having the same problem, in a way. Or, in other words, we want totally different things from each other. You want to feel desired and "pursued" in a romantic way - and that is precisely something I feel I can't "live up to" at this point. While all I want is a close, dear friend on whom I could count to be, well... present (to use your expression). Only that - no more, no less. And that's what you were to me for a while - and perhaps in being that, you were sacrificing/neglecting your own needs. And I was being selfish by not noticing that.:/
Believe me, I had - and still do - plenty of affection for you; it's just, most likely, not the kind of affection you want. There is nothing sexual in it - or not enough to call it a romantic attachment, I suppose. It's a mental attraction - a feeling that I could talk to you for hours about everything in this world - and that is a pretty special feeling in itself, since I don't have it with very many people. But I understand this might not be enough for you. And I don't want to be the selfish/greedy person who just takes what she needs and disregards everything else. So I am leaving this up to you - if you want to still keep in touch as friends, I'll be here, but if you'd rather break it off completely and save your energy for someone who can "give you what you seek"... I will understand. One thing you can count on - and I think I told you this before - is that I will always be honest with you. So I am being honest now. And I apologize for any selfish demands I made for your time and attention. I just didn't dare presume I still meant so much to you, even though you seemed to have vanished into thin air. It didn't occur to me that perhaps you needed some distance...
Re: me-missing-uilluins_lairApril 8 2011, 22:44:49 UTC
It was never my intention to make you feel miserable, and I sincerely apologize if I came across that way. This is some sort of communication failure, again.:( You have probably every right to um…not-understand-me. Which is… or has to be… OK. If it wasn’t for the cause of reason itself; that I might have hurt You, in being Me.. y’know.. I would just fuck it away, as if it was nothing. But I can't. Because it DOES matters to me. While it - naturally, sort of hurts me in every possible way I know, on this side of Life.
Re: me-missing-uilluins_lairApril 8 2011, 23:01:08 UTC
I don't know what to make of your random disappearances and equally random re-appearances after I have almost managed come to terms with the fact that you are gone... yet again. It's like trying to have a conversation on a broken phone... catching snatches of random unfinished phrases, repeating yourself just in case you were not heard... shouting into silence. Will there be an echo this time?... I am never gone, you need to know that. Yes; I may be distracted for a time, but I am never ever gone. EVER. You must come to - and be aware of, the (true) terms of my disappearances… =/ I’m never gone. I’m Not. Sometimes I just need a bit of time to readjust myself, is all. When I have found someone - with whom I can interact on a level that doesn’t even has a name - it is not possible to abandon this someone, because it has become part of Me. Do I make sense? Whatever. I am aware of the fact that my thoughts oftentimes seem unfinished -but that is ever only because I think them up as I go along - thoughts are, to me a very creative process…. And whatever I am thinking - it is not some personal offence against you!
Re: me-missing-ufloatingleafApril 10 2011, 01:20:44 UTC
whatever I am thinking - it is not some personal offence against you!
I have never said, or implied, that it was. Have I? *blinks*
It's not that I have a problem with unfinished thoughts - I used that as a metaphor for erratic contact, as in one random reply to a comment from three months ago that I don't even remember making anymore, and then having to wait another three months for the next one. You say you are never gone, but it doesn't feel that way to me. To me, it feels as if you are almost always gone - except for the random, unpredictable, brief moments when you aren't. Which is why I said maybe it would be better to just cut it off. Maybe that would make things easier for both of us. Though I am probably much more of a disappointment to you than you are to me, all things considered. And there's nothing I can do to change that. So it's for you to decide if there's any point to this at all.
Re: me-missing-uilluins_lairApril 8 2011, 23:16:11 UTC
Of course, this is all perfectly fine if we are just casual, random acquaintances - in this case, please disregard the previous paragraph and forget all about it, and I will try to do the same. But a lot of the things you said made me feel that we were more than that - hence the confusion. I don’t think we were ever casual, random acquaintances or - at least, you were never that to me. I always considered us more than that. Or y’know … You were always more than that to me, anyway. *hands u key to heart* At one point, I felt as I was too much to you; as if I - as Me, was too far away, beyond the real affection and too fucking bold and weird and wicked. Etc. Honestly; I felt so much for you, that it was scary! Lol Yep. Too much.
Re: me-missing-ufloatingleafApril 10 2011, 02:25:42 UTC
At one point, I felt as I was too much to you; as if I - as Me, was too far away, beyond the real affection and too fucking bold and weird and wicked. Etc.
Yes. I just couldn't understand the WHY and HOW of your fascination - I mean, we were just getting to know each other, and it was very exciting and wonderful and all, but... it seemed as though you had created some idealized version of me in your head and fallen in love with that conceptual person, and I didn't even know who she was. I still don't. I still don't even know who YOU are. And I never will, unless we actually INTERACT on a more-or-less regular basis for the next few months/years/however long it takes to get to know someone well enough (for real) to fall in love with them. At least that's how things work for me. I am not questioning the sincerity of your feelings - only my own "aptitude" in being their object, so to speak. To give an example of what I mean - I have this wild crush on Viggo, right?... But do I actually know if I would want to live with him as his lover/partner/wife etc.?... Of course I don't. Because my idealized "concept" of Viggo might be very different from how he actually is in real life. And if I tell him that I love him, it will only make him feel uncomfortable, because he KNOWS that I haven't had a chance to meet the "real" him. Not that I am comparing myself to Viggo or your feelings to a celebrity crush - but I think internet acquaintances often work in a similar way. Because it's easy to form an image of someone that will never be "verified" against reality.
That is the only way I can explain your feelings for me. I didn't mean to offend you in any way, just to explain why I wasn't comfortable with your, uhm... advances. I simply needed more time and opportunity to get to know you better. And the fact that you seem to think you know me so well we don't even need to stay in touch (because I am "a part of you") only reinforces that feeling. The one I talked about before. That it isn't really ME that's become a part of you, but some version of me created in your head, outside of my knowledge. And yes, that is a bit scary.
Again, I apologize if my brutal honesty is hurting you. But I realized I'd rather hurt people by revealing the truth than by avoiding it. I've had it happen before where I kept my mouth shut to protect someone's feelings, and then ended up hurting them even more in the end, because they discovered what I was trying to hide anyway. So maybe now I am being too forthcoming as a result. Feel free to scold me, or ignore me, or whatever. Regardless of it all, I wish you luck in finding someone who can be everything you need. *hugs*
I wasn't trying to evaluate you in any way; in other words, neither a compliment nor an insult.;) Just trying to make sense of things, as it were.
Geniuses are probably only the rare few people who find a middle-way to actually communicate their insanity to the outside world
That could very well be true.:)
But really, I’m quite an open book for anyone who wants to travel through the pages. Or, so I thought.
I know you are not trying to be mysterious on purpose, or anything like that. You seem very sincere in expressing your thoughts and feelings. What I was trying to say is that sometimes the language you use to describe your thought processes is totally incomprehensible to me. And I don't mean "language" as in your level of fluency in English, which is brilliant. I mean the way your mind works - and I never thought I'd say this of anyone, but you seem almost too deep/complex for me. Or at least operating on some sort of different wavelength that my receivers don't pick up (if that makes sense). But then again, maybe it only seems that way because I used to think we had a very deep connection, and I was sort of expecting to be able to "get" you much better. You keep surprising me, or puzzling me, all the time, and I am not sure how to deal with that. But that is totally my problem, not yours.:)
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That is alright I suppose. I haven't made much sense overall, I guess. Like, ever. Nevermind. I didn't expect to be understood anytime soon.
Though, I am very sorry to having hurt you, if that is the case (I am not sure, but I fucking sense it)
Hence I suspect that everything I make - made - will make is a slight lil failure because I'm sincerely human… *duct tapes self*
Want you to know that; Y... in case you DONT KNOW IT YET; I Wish u joy - ALWAYS!
Hope you recognize at least the intention. I feel a bit lost at the rest.
(no, don't deal with it if it's just a headache in the end, pleweeze)
I guess, all I sincerely would like to deal with right now is... 'Why are you angry with me?'
Because, it makes me feel worse than shit. =(
I ...simply don't understand.
On the other hand, it could be just me; imagining things and so be it well with that and fuck the rest etc.
Yeah. anyway I feel like misery. If that was your intention... um... congrats.
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I am not angry with you. I am just... confused. I seem to be getting conflicting messages for the past few months. It feels like I am unable to "read" you anymore - and it frustrates me, because I don't want to loose the connection I thought we had. I am not saying this is your fault in any way - that's just how it feels to me, and I can't figure out why.:(
It was never my intention to make you feel miserable, and I sincerely apologize if I came across that way. This is some sort of communication failure, again.:(
I just... I don't know what to make of your random disappearances and equally random re-appearances after I have almost managed come to terms with the fact that you are gone... yet again. It's like trying to have a conversation on a broken phone... catching snatches of random unfinished phrases, repeating yourself just in case you were not heard... shouting into silence. Will there be an echo this time?...
Of course, this is all perfectly fine if we are just casual, random acquaintances - in this case, please disregard the previous paragraph and forget all about it, and I will try to do the same. But a lot of the things you said made me feel that we were more than that - hence the confusion. The kind of friendship I thought we had a good chance at takes time to develop (at least it does for me) - and we don't seem to have any. Time, that is. So maybe we should put the whole thing on hold - postpone the conversation until the phone line is fixed, so to speak (to use the previous metaphor). I don't know. Right now I feel like I'm standing outside in the cold, peeking in through a window that has been closed in my face. Only sometimes the curtains part and a random hand waves hello at me, as though nothing ever happened. Maybe I should go home and mind my own business until that random hand knocks on my door instead, you know? But with each random wave, I think that maybe the door will open this time...
Again, if this is where we are for the forseeable future, then fine, I'll deal with it - but I would like to KNOW. I understand about life and stuff happening and shit and all - but if you interact with someone pretty much on a daily basis and then they suddenly go MIA for weeks/months on end, surely you expect at least some sort of warning/explanation?... Otherwise you worry that something really bad might have happened to them, no?... And then of course you're relieved and happy when they're back... but if the same thing happens over and over again, and each time they act like it didn't happen at all, you begin to wonder what it's all about. Or at least, I begin to wonder.
Sorry if I upset you - maybe it's not my business to be talking to you like that at all... If it's not, then just say so and I will stop. Promise.;)
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I know that - as in.. I’m aware of it, and... also; it is absolutely_not how I intended it to be. With you. (Duh!)
Not at ALL
Perhaps... it's me having to live up to something I can't? And I am kind of alone in the game?
The conflicting messages is probably just me trying to reconnect with Life again - and I understand it can be confusing for you.
I haven't been very Present, if that is what you refer to, and I am aware of that. There was a time when I could give You all the attention, and it was precious to me; every fucking moment.. because I sincerely NEVER felt like that for someone during these circumstances. I never HAD these circumstances!
Though.. I guess.. somewhere along (because I'm changing too, you know...) I wasn't getting a reciprocate feeling... a mutual affection from you - call it what you like.. but in the end I felt as if it was Me being in pursuit of You. And that is NOT what I want. I want to be desired too, y'know...
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Then perhaps we are both having the same problem, in a way. Or, in other words, we want totally different things from each other. You want to feel desired and "pursued" in a romantic way - and that is precisely something I feel I can't "live up to" at this point. While all I want is a close, dear friend on whom I could count to be, well... present (to use your expression). Only that - no more, no less. And that's what you were to me for a while - and perhaps in being that, you were sacrificing/neglecting your own needs. And I was being selfish by not noticing that.:/
Believe me, I had - and still do - plenty of affection for you; it's just, most likely, not the kind of affection you want. There is nothing sexual in it - or not enough to call it a romantic attachment, I suppose. It's a mental attraction - a feeling that I could talk to you for hours about everything in this world - and that is a pretty special feeling in itself, since I don't have it with very many people. But I understand this might not be enough for you. And I don't want to be the selfish/greedy person who just takes what she needs and disregards everything else. So I am leaving this up to you - if you want to still keep in touch as friends, I'll be here, but if you'd rather break it off completely and save your energy for someone who can "give you what you seek"... I will understand. One thing you can count on - and I think I told you this before - is that I will always be honest with you. So I am being honest now. And I apologize for any selfish demands I made for your time and attention. I just didn't dare presume I still meant so much to you, even though you seemed to have vanished into thin air. It didn't occur to me that perhaps you needed some distance...
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You have probably every right to um…not-understand-me. Which is… or has to be… OK.
If it wasn’t for the cause of reason itself; that I might have hurt You, in being Me.. y’know.. I would just fuck it away, as if it was nothing. But I can't. Because it DOES matters to me.
While it - naturally, sort of hurts me in every possible way I know, on this side of Life.
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I am never gone, you need to know that. Yes; I may be distracted for a time, but I am never ever gone. EVER. You must come to - and be aware of, the (true) terms of my disappearances… =/
I’m never gone. I’m Not. Sometimes I just need a bit of time to readjust myself, is all.
When I have found someone - with whom I can interact on a level that doesn’t even has a name - it is not possible to abandon this someone, because it has become part of Me. Do I make sense? Whatever.
I am aware of the fact that my thoughts oftentimes seem unfinished -but that is ever only because I think them up as I go along - thoughts are, to me a very creative process…. And whatever I am thinking - it is not some personal offence against you!
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I have never said, or implied, that it was. Have I? *blinks*
It's not that I have a problem with unfinished thoughts - I used that as a metaphor for erratic contact, as in one random reply to a comment from three months ago that I don't even remember making anymore, and then having to wait another three months for the next one. You say you are never gone, but it doesn't feel that way to me. To me, it feels as if you are almost always gone - except for the random, unpredictable, brief moments when you aren't. Which is why I said maybe it would be better to just cut it off. Maybe that would make things easier for both of us. Though I am probably much more of a disappointment to you than you are to me, all things considered. And there's nothing I can do to change that. So it's for you to decide if there's any point to this at all.
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I don’t think we were ever casual, random acquaintances or - at least, you were never that to me. I always considered us more than that. Or y’know … You were always more than that to me, anyway. *hands u key to heart*
At one point, I felt as I was too much to you; as if I - as Me, was too far away, beyond the real affection and too fucking bold and weird and wicked. Etc.
Honestly; I felt so much for you, that it was scary! Lol
Yep.
Too much.
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Yes. I just couldn't understand the WHY and HOW of your fascination - I mean, we were just getting to know each other, and it was very exciting and wonderful and all, but... it seemed as though you had created some idealized version of me in your head and fallen in love with that conceptual person, and I didn't even know who she was. I still don't. I still don't even know who YOU are. And I never will, unless we actually INTERACT on a more-or-less regular basis for the next few months/years/however long it takes to get to know someone well enough (for real) to fall in love with them. At least that's how things work for me. I am not questioning the sincerity of your feelings - only my own "aptitude" in being their object, so to speak. To give an example of what I mean - I have this wild crush on Viggo, right?... But do I actually know if I would want to live with him as his lover/partner/wife etc.?... Of course I don't. Because my idealized "concept" of Viggo might be very different from how he actually is in real life. And if I tell him that I love him, it will only make him feel uncomfortable, because he KNOWS that I haven't had a chance to meet the "real" him. Not that I am comparing myself to Viggo or your feelings to a celebrity crush - but I think internet acquaintances often work in a similar way. Because it's easy to form an image of someone that will never be "verified" against reality.
That is the only way I can explain your feelings for me. I didn't mean to offend you in any way, just to explain why I wasn't comfortable with your, uhm... advances. I simply needed more time and opportunity to get to know you better. And the fact that you seem to think you know me so well we don't even need to stay in touch (because I am "a part of you") only reinforces that feeling. The one I talked about before. That it isn't really ME that's become a part of you, but some version of me created in your head, outside of my knowledge. And yes, that is a bit scary.
Again, I apologize if my brutal honesty is hurting you. But I realized I'd rather hurt people by revealing the truth than by avoiding it. I've had it happen before where I kept my mouth shut to protect someone's feelings, and then ended up hurting them even more in the end, because they discovered what I was trying to hide anyway. So maybe now I am being too forthcoming as a result. Feel free to scold me, or ignore me, or whatever. Regardless of it all, I wish you luck in finding someone who can be everything you need. *hugs*
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