(no subject)
I hope I'm not speaking prematurely, but it sure seems that Grandmama's number is finally up. We've spent the last two days at the hospital with her, and at my mom's trying to stop her cleaning frenzy/coping mechanisms from taking over. Yesterday morning I got the call from mom saying that the doctors were advising it was time to make a choice about keeping her on life support or letting her go. At this point there is zero chance of recovery, so it was just a matter of saying the words. We decided to keep her around yesterday so everyone would have the opportunity to say goodbye if they wanted to, and took her off the breathing tube today. If you're wondering, since I posted the other day on facebook that she was successfully breathing on her own, unfortunately that was short-lived. She developed a mucus plug in her lungs shortly thereafter, and they had to take that out, but she still couldn't get enough air so she was put back on the ventilator. We were able to spend yesterday with her, talking to her, and she was actually being responsive (which she hadn't been in days) so I think she knew what was going on. Today she wasn't as aware, and we've spent most of the day watching her gradually drop into a coma, and when we left tonight her blood pressure was about 39/17. Unfortunately this is happening at a time when my dad is in Key West on a fishing trip with a bunch of old friends, so he isn't able to be there and my mom didn't even tell him that we were taking her off the machine. She wants him to enjoy his trip and she'll fill him in later. I feel a little conflicted on that one. I think it's a nice notion, but he's going to be a little irritated when he gets back because I know he'd want to be here with my mom. Either way, he'll find out soon enough. In the meantime, Mark has been filling in as the strong male figure standing guard and giving out hugs and rubbing her knotted up back and running out for food. He even stayed in the room with my mom while they were yanking out the tubes. It was a little gory for me so I didn't stay, but he said mom had a death grip on him the whole time. He's been such an angel. She said she was glad we weren't wimps, since she really didn't want to be alone. She had told me this morning to go to work, but then called a couple hours later crying and asking if I'd come sit with her, which of course I did, so it was a good thing I didn't go to work after all. I broke the news to my brother yesterday (mom said she couldn't think of how to tell him, so I volunteered) and let him know that if he wanted to see her before she goes, now is the time. I don't think he's ever visited her in the hospital a single time in his adult life. He just doesn't do well with that environment and says he doesn't want to have a memory of her like that. I don't blame him at all...I used to think he'd end up regretting it, but we were talking yesterday and it really clicked, after seeing her like that so much myself, I understand what he means. He was wishy washy about coming to see her, but I said you know, it's your choice, and if you don't go she isn't going to realize it at this point, so it's for you. If you can say goodbye without going, that's okay. He ended up not coming, and since he was able to make a choice I think regret won't be an issue. It's one thing to say I made a choice not to see her like that so I can remember her as she should be remembered, and another thing to say I didn't have a chance to say goodbye and I wish I could have. Everyone deals with it differently I guess. I don't like seeing her that way, but I can't bare the thought of her ever being in there alone, scared, having people messing with her constantly. Anyway, I'm completely at peace with letting her go, but it's intensely sad at the same time. People have always said I'm a lot like her, and with age I've discovered that's something to be proud of, where I used to think it was some kind of...not an insult, but maybe like they were teasing me. But I'm proud of it now.
Also, my crazy old uncle michael and his wife came; they're staying the night at the hospital with my mom. Michael is mom's brother. They've been estranged from each other for a long time, but I had invited him to the wedding because I really didn't think grandmama would be around long, and she wanted to see him. He came, and they spent a good amount of time chatting. She told me later how happy she had been to see him, and I'm so glad we were able to give them that time. Beyond that, this whole situation would be a little awkward if this was the first time we'd seen him in a decade. Things sure seem to happen the way they are supposed to sometimes. Like not getting the wedding date we wanted (which would have been the 15th), because if we'd waited another week she wouldn't have been able to see it.
Sad day in the fuller house.
Also, my crazy old uncle michael and his wife came; they're staying the night at the hospital with my mom. Michael is mom's brother. They've been estranged from each other for a long time, but I had invited him to the wedding because I really didn't think grandmama would be around long, and she wanted to see him. He came, and they spent a good amount of time chatting. She told me later how happy she had been to see him, and I'm so glad we were able to give them that time. Beyond that, this whole situation would be a little awkward if this was the first time we'd seen him in a decade. Things sure seem to happen the way they are supposed to sometimes. Like not getting the wedding date we wanted (which would have been the 15th), because if we'd waited another week she wouldn't have been able to see it.
Sad day in the fuller house.