End of Day 3
I realize I skipped day 2. I'll recap.
About halfway through the day, I realized I felt like I was in a constant dream state. I was having trouble driving and understanding things that people were saying to me. I spent most of the day being pretty quiet. I did manage to get in a stupid argument with Mark (about dogs of all things) and let it go a little too far, but kept my cool better than expected. I had to take a few minutes locked in the bathroom to cry and convince myself that I was okay. And I was okay. I did have a cigarette in the evening when the whole dream state thing got to be too much. I felt like I was stoned, but not the good kind of stoned when you're having a good time, but the bad kind of stoned when you've had way too much and can't function and wish that you could just sober up already.
Today was a little better. I still feel like I'm stuck in de ja vous (forgive me, I have no idea how to spell that correctly and I'm too tired to look it up) but overall I kept a decent mood all day. A little cranky but under control. I just had a cigarette, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I take that as a good thing; it must be leaving my system to hit this hard. I'm glad I haven't done the patch thing. I was reading up on quitting methods and found that using patches and gum and stuff basically puts you into a constant state of withdrawal as you decrease your nicotine levels, since you are still getting some but not enough to satisfy the craving. I wouldn't want to go through this for months on end. I just want it to be over.
As I was just smoking, I looked at my hand holding a cigarette and, for the first time since I was 19, it felt foreign. I actually recognized that it didn't feel like me.
I think of myself as a master self-manipulator. I've always had to look for ways to trick myself. When I was in high school, for example, I realized that my eyes are naturally drawn to bright colors. The more colors, the harder I look. When I would take notes that were going to be important, I started using every marker and colored pen and highlighter in my arsenal to make my notes as pretty as possible. I would naturally be drawn to that paper and found it easier to study. I'm kind of doing that now. I have to realize the things that are hurting me and helping me. What's helping me is knowing that I have a pack of cigarettes in the house, so I don't have the anxiety that I normally associate with running out or not having one when I feel like I need it. This way, when I feel like I NEED one, I can say, "well, there is a pack somewhere in this house, and if I get absolutely desperate I'll allow myself to cheat, but I think I can hold out for 5 more minutes"...then I distract myself for 5 minutes, and 5 minutes becomes 10, which becomes half an hour, and then I do it again when the next craving comes. I'm also keeping myself in a one day at a time mentality. I am not permanently cigaretteless, I'm simply not smoking today, and I probably won't smoke tomorrow, but I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow. For the last 3 days, this has worked.
Tomorrow might be tough. Mark and I are going down to visit his grandma and grandpa, and then his mom and step dad. All of them smoke like chimneys. I had been trying to avoid other smokers but we never really get to see them so I want to go. If I can't stand it tomorrow, then I'll quit again on Friday. If I CAN make it through tomorrow, then I'll feel like a dang champion.
We'll see what happens.
About halfway through the day, I realized I felt like I was in a constant dream state. I was having trouble driving and understanding things that people were saying to me. I spent most of the day being pretty quiet. I did manage to get in a stupid argument with Mark (about dogs of all things) and let it go a little too far, but kept my cool better than expected. I had to take a few minutes locked in the bathroom to cry and convince myself that I was okay. And I was okay. I did have a cigarette in the evening when the whole dream state thing got to be too much. I felt like I was stoned, but not the good kind of stoned when you're having a good time, but the bad kind of stoned when you've had way too much and can't function and wish that you could just sober up already.
Today was a little better. I still feel like I'm stuck in de ja vous (forgive me, I have no idea how to spell that correctly and I'm too tired to look it up) but overall I kept a decent mood all day. A little cranky but under control. I just had a cigarette, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I take that as a good thing; it must be leaving my system to hit this hard. I'm glad I haven't done the patch thing. I was reading up on quitting methods and found that using patches and gum and stuff basically puts you into a constant state of withdrawal as you decrease your nicotine levels, since you are still getting some but not enough to satisfy the craving. I wouldn't want to go through this for months on end. I just want it to be over.
As I was just smoking, I looked at my hand holding a cigarette and, for the first time since I was 19, it felt foreign. I actually recognized that it didn't feel like me.
I think of myself as a master self-manipulator. I've always had to look for ways to trick myself. When I was in high school, for example, I realized that my eyes are naturally drawn to bright colors. The more colors, the harder I look. When I would take notes that were going to be important, I started using every marker and colored pen and highlighter in my arsenal to make my notes as pretty as possible. I would naturally be drawn to that paper and found it easier to study. I'm kind of doing that now. I have to realize the things that are hurting me and helping me. What's helping me is knowing that I have a pack of cigarettes in the house, so I don't have the anxiety that I normally associate with running out or not having one when I feel like I need it. This way, when I feel like I NEED one, I can say, "well, there is a pack somewhere in this house, and if I get absolutely desperate I'll allow myself to cheat, but I think I can hold out for 5 more minutes"...then I distract myself for 5 minutes, and 5 minutes becomes 10, which becomes half an hour, and then I do it again when the next craving comes. I'm also keeping myself in a one day at a time mentality. I am not permanently cigaretteless, I'm simply not smoking today, and I probably won't smoke tomorrow, but I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow. For the last 3 days, this has worked.
Tomorrow might be tough. Mark and I are going down to visit his grandma and grandpa, and then his mom and step dad. All of them smoke like chimneys. I had been trying to avoid other smokers but we never really get to see them so I want to go. If I can't stand it tomorrow, then I'll quit again on Friday. If I CAN make it through tomorrow, then I'll feel like a dang champion.
We'll see what happens.