Because I should be using an outlet.

Aug 08, 2014 00:23

It'll be almost ten years that I've had this account. I've been going through the ones in 2005 and when they say you'll look back and laugh at your younger self...sheesh. I was hilarious.
Some things never change though.

I have two demons that take the form of a man.
The Destroyed
The Destroyer

The reason I bring this up is because both demons are coming down hard on me during this new (and promising) opportunity.
I'm terrified.

I just recently found the strength to stand up to The Destroyer.
In a joint effort between myself and him, we really messed me up.
I feel like I don't know how to be normal.

You know, its nuts because recently I've dipped back into my fangirl, geeky, video game loving, anime watching, obsessive part of me that I let go of after maybe a year into college (2009?) and things have been more fun, funny and falling into place. I got to go to my first Megacon this year and I loved it...and spent way too much money at it. I've been playing my retro games and picked back up on Pokemon. I really want to cosplay but that costs a lot of money.

Anyway so even though I don't know how to be normal (or whatever) I've definitely found some things that make me happy.
OH how can I forget geek trivia and D&D Tuesdays? And my Squirtle Squad friends <3
I don't mean to treat this new thing as a comparison to the Destroyed.
But there are just some weird things that I can't help it.
It feels so much like it.
Not to mention his name
and the name of his best friend...

Brandon and Jon...
really?...
Well at least this Jon is wonderful. and doesn't act like I'm the devil. -_-
This person was also one that caught my attention immediately but I didn't react to it
Then he pursued me...
and one day it just hit me like a truck that I wanted to be with him.
Keyla would be proud I just typed that.

We are incredibly cautious for two completely different reasons. He's adorably inexperienced and I am
quite..experienced. (that's what I wanted, right?) but held down by my demons.

Of course with this situtation being so close to the Destroyed, this is more me being able to trust myself.
I don't ever want to put someone through that pain again.
I will never forget the look on his face. Disbelief, distraught, confusion, heartbreak...Destroyed.
Why did I have to be cursed with dwelling and being unable to forgive myself. Why do I let these demons control me?

I'm fighting the good fight I promise.

He doesn't even know these things about me.
I think that's the biggest step I've ever taken to improvement when it comes to establishing a relationship. I usually want to put everything out there for them to see. They don't need to.
Its the past.

I'm going to win this.
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