Opening my journal
SO it's not something I've really thought about. Opening my LJ to anyone but Maggi, and a select few others whom have known me, my life style, and pretty much everything else to go along with my crazy. But to have someone come in, and read my most personal thoughts, is really unnerving. I understand the purpose of it, it's like a complete trust thing. If they can look back at these entries since 2009 and read them, and 1) not think Iam absolutely bat shit crazy 2) not run in horror that I am a most....free mouthed person 3) to have my most personal thoughts, dreams, and aspirations opened up and a person not take them too much to heart as if my past were too close to them. I don't know.
The last few weeks have been a change, old friends popping in, and my heart totally being pummeled by someone I had once considered dead to me. It's as painful as if I were to allow Travis back into my life on a regular basis. I've got so much going on I don't now which way is up, or what road I really am following.
today was one of those, anger fueled, I broke a lot of dishes, and yet surprisingly accomplished much thinking. Here's what I decided.
I am going to finish School by Thanksgiving this year.
Per doctors orders, I have to go COMPLETELY gluten free. I am doing a lot of research and really buckling down on figuring out what that entails and what I need to accomplish to make this work. I am not pleased let's say that. Low carb was one thing, completely gluten free, totally another.
I went walking today. 2miles and I couldn't feel my left leg; well half of it. Very frustrating. How ever, it's going to maintain as a every day occurrence for me.
I am considering taking the job at the childcare a few miles away , then begin work on the house.
Benefits of two adults working, he pays bills I get to fuck off; I might as well be productive while it lasts.
I've got the boys ready for camping this year, last year was a total waste, in fact, since grandma died my life has been a total waste. I've accomplished little here and there but no where near the speed and strength I once had.
Maggi taught me a great day, and I haven't used really any of it this last while.
That's a sore subject. I can't hardly look at her, I don't know what I feel. Anger, regret, love, longing, hurt, it seems to be all there and I can't separate it. So I do as I always do and just stay away. It's easier that way right?
Its a strange thing to love someone, so far away. You can almost smell their skin, or feel them next to you at night. all that is lacking is their breath upon what skin may lay close to them. I wake up at night and I know someone is keeping me away or I am worried with someone or preoccupied wit them. Yet anymore I know not who.
The last few weeks have been a change, old friends popping in, and my heart totally being pummeled by someone I had once considered dead to me. It's as painful as if I were to allow Travis back into my life on a regular basis. I've got so much going on I don't now which way is up, or what road I really am following.
today was one of those, anger fueled, I broke a lot of dishes, and yet surprisingly accomplished much thinking. Here's what I decided.
I am going to finish School by Thanksgiving this year.
Per doctors orders, I have to go COMPLETELY gluten free. I am doing a lot of research and really buckling down on figuring out what that entails and what I need to accomplish to make this work. I am not pleased let's say that. Low carb was one thing, completely gluten free, totally another.
I went walking today. 2miles and I couldn't feel my left leg; well half of it. Very frustrating. How ever, it's going to maintain as a every day occurrence for me.
I am considering taking the job at the childcare a few miles away , then begin work on the house.
Benefits of two adults working, he pays bills I get to fuck off; I might as well be productive while it lasts.
I've got the boys ready for camping this year, last year was a total waste, in fact, since grandma died my life has been a total waste. I've accomplished little here and there but no where near the speed and strength I once had.
Maggi taught me a great day, and I haven't used really any of it this last while.
That's a sore subject. I can't hardly look at her, I don't know what I feel. Anger, regret, love, longing, hurt, it seems to be all there and I can't separate it. So I do as I always do and just stay away. It's easier that way right?
Its a strange thing to love someone, so far away. You can almost smell their skin, or feel them next to you at night. all that is lacking is their breath upon what skin may lay close to them. I wake up at night and I know someone is keeping me away or I am worried with someone or preoccupied wit them. Yet anymore I know not who.