Am I really...?
At 00.15 tonight, it will be a month that I am officially a "mum"... but am I really ?
It is all so surreal. It was weird enough being pregnant, but thankfully, there were loads going on in life and at work throughout the year that it made this bad pregnancy go quite fast, so I never really got used to the idea of what was to come, not that I could really grasp the concept anyway.
The day of the birth, it was all about the pain and the wondering how this life was going to be released into the world (or should I say upon the world!). Then it was delivered whilst I was butchered, and the pain of it all did not allow me to bond or even be interested for the first few hours. I was simply too busy tring to breathe and not crash.
When I mustered some strength, I held her and fed her, but still it felt like it was happening to me rather than me living it. And as of today, I am still feeling like things are happening and I am on a parallel to it all.
It has been very hard to shift the trauma of the delivery. And I obviously feel anxiousness at the thought that it's not just the two of us anymore and that things are oh so complicated now, even simple things like going to Tesco or to Yoga are going to become a challenge.
That is another trauma in itself which will take years to get over, but I can't help wondering how it is going to work out us being parents and have a life at the same time ?
Will this ever feel real ? Will I ever come round and wake up to this new life that is unfolding wether I am aware of it or not ? Note that I don't feel scared or worried about it. I am just wondering when the "dream" feeling will lift and when I will regain consciousness. Maybe never, maybe when she talks or walk, who knows.
In the meantime, I am going with the flow and so far, the little one seems to appreciate what we are doing for her and she is growing beautifully, offering a few hurdles on the way of course, but we seem to be dealing with them as they come. I actually think that feeling "out of it" helps me keep levelled as reality has a tendancy to make me panic. Maybe my instincts have kicked in and are protecting my sanity by keeping me in some kind of coma.
Not that I am complaining, but it does make it hard to answer questions such as "how's motherhood", well I have no idea, I don't know what it is !
It is all so surreal. It was weird enough being pregnant, but thankfully, there were loads going on in life and at work throughout the year that it made this bad pregnancy go quite fast, so I never really got used to the idea of what was to come, not that I could really grasp the concept anyway.
The day of the birth, it was all about the pain and the wondering how this life was going to be released into the world (or should I say upon the world!). Then it was delivered whilst I was butchered, and the pain of it all did not allow me to bond or even be interested for the first few hours. I was simply too busy tring to breathe and not crash.
When I mustered some strength, I held her and fed her, but still it felt like it was happening to me rather than me living it. And as of today, I am still feeling like things are happening and I am on a parallel to it all.
It has been very hard to shift the trauma of the delivery. And I obviously feel anxiousness at the thought that it's not just the two of us anymore and that things are oh so complicated now, even simple things like going to Tesco or to Yoga are going to become a challenge.
That is another trauma in itself which will take years to get over, but I can't help wondering how it is going to work out us being parents and have a life at the same time ?
Will this ever feel real ? Will I ever come round and wake up to this new life that is unfolding wether I am aware of it or not ? Note that I don't feel scared or worried about it. I am just wondering when the "dream" feeling will lift and when I will regain consciousness. Maybe never, maybe when she talks or walk, who knows.
In the meantime, I am going with the flow and so far, the little one seems to appreciate what we are doing for her and she is growing beautifully, offering a few hurdles on the way of course, but we seem to be dealing with them as they come. I actually think that feeling "out of it" helps me keep levelled as reality has a tendancy to make me panic. Maybe my instincts have kicked in and are protecting my sanity by keeping me in some kind of coma.
Not that I am complaining, but it does make it hard to answer questions such as "how's motherhood", well I have no idea, I don't know what it is !