sick wit it

[illmandy]

I've been having hella cravings lately. I don't know if it's because of summer time, and the usual partying that would go along with it, or if I'm just bored. I realized that I've done a good job of keeping myself busy since I quit, and now that things have slowed down, I don't have anything to fill the gap that was once satisfied by drug use. My dr. says I need to go to meetings, but I can't bring myself to. I just don't believe in the teachings of AA and NA. The first and most important step to them is, "I admit I am powerless over my addiction" and I don't accept that. If I were powerless, then how the hell did I stop myself from completely ruining my life? Every day I make the decision not to use, and I try my best to lead a productive life. I put too much energy into my recovery to be powerless over a drug. Besides that, NA members generally don't accept people like me...people who are involved in a maintenence program. They will just hassle me about getting off the suboxone, and that's not what I'm going for. I want to meet people who do not drink and use drugs on a regular basis. I have tried so hard to continue friendships with people who have to go out and get drunk all the time, but it just doesn't work. I try to fit in and pretend that I can handle social situations where people get high or drunk, but it makes me sick inside and I'm not the type of person who will make herself miserable just to be able to go out and kick it. I feel like there's this expectation of me to go out every weekend and be at all the parties and clubs just because it's Friday or Saturday night. I feel guilty when I stay home, but I can't bring myself to go out for the sake of going out. Sometimes I want to kick it, and I will go out with people I trust and have a great time. But if I'm not in the mood and people pressure me, I'd rather just stay home and chill. Who wants to feel like a high schooler whose friends are presuring her into drinking? I'm too old for that shit! I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but I hate feeling like my recovery is some crippling disease. I can't face the fact that I need to stay home and avoid situations where there's drugs and too much alcohol. It's weird how I can drink only with certain people in certain situations. When I'm with my real homies, the ones who don't give a fuck if I'm drinking or not, if I'm totally sober or hitting the bong, ...I can relax and enjoy a couple beers and have a great time. But when people give me beer after beer, challenge me to a chug, or whine that I'm not drunk enough, I get ill and my stomach turns. It seems like my medication only affects me negatively in those situations. I'm not supposed to drink on neither of my meds, but I don't get sick when I can drink at my own pace. So why would I want to kick it with the people who pressure me and make me sick? Maybe I can't deal with the fact that certain friendships were fake. Some people only kick it to get fucked up, and every social event has to center around being faded. It trips me out cause some of these people have been my homies for years! I just never realized that we were feeding each other's bad habbits. They didn't care that I was ruining my life with drugs, and I didn't care that alls they did was drink. As long as we all got twisted!
Maybe I get cravings because it's so much easier to want to go back to easier times than it is to admit that all of these changes have taken place, and there's even more to come(?)