A glimpse of my past
I felt a sudden urge to write about my past in my journal.
When I was 12, a man contacted me. I don't remember where from, but it was probably one of those chatrooms that were so popular back then. He said that he was twenty, and he'd like to take me to the movies, the amusement park, or whatever I'd like. For a twelve year old girl that never had pocketmoney, it sounded great. But, as the well raised kid I was, I asked my mom. She said no. I thought about doing it without her permission, but didn't.
Last year; Fresh into the new school, I recieved a letter from the police office. They would like me to testify against a murder. In my small country, murders, especially child murders, are always known by the whol country. I knew this one too. A 40 year old man had broken into her home, raped her, cut her wrists before finally killing her with 16 stabs.
It was the same man that had contacted me 3 years earlier.
For 2 days, I went into a mixture of shock and paralysing. I acted normal on the outside, but I was freezingly cold on the inside. I told my parents two days later. They weren't mad, as I had expected them to be.
When I went home last night, I found a bag on the street. A small bag. I've heard of people who has lost their bags, and opened it to look after a cell phone, or something that I could call her (it was a womens bag) with.
Inside the bag, I saw several disturbing things. A porno magazine, a video and a dildo, still in it's wrapping. I did what I do in such situations; I laughed out loud, thinking "God. Of course, I was the one who found this", continued to laugh, placed the back neatly on the sidewalk and drove home on my bike (at that point, I was alone in the streets. Cille and I had departed earlier).
It was first as I'd biked 10 meters or so that a horrible thought hit me; Who would leave such a bag on the sidewalk? It's not normal, right?
Thoughts from my past began to enter my consiousness; What if there's been a rapist behind those bushes there were in that back yard? What if he, was just WAITING for a hint, that I might accept this stuff or start to touch it. My hysterical and loud laugh mught have scared him from attacking me.
I spent the rest of the night in a statement of shock. I had two personalities. One where the brainconcentration were at zero, no reaction, and the other, where I was babbling, telling people I knew about this, what happened now and my past. Thinking about how I should write it down. My body reacted on it's own. Talked with people in here. Smiled by a joke Ren said. Brushed teeth, read Akira 10 without reading it, slept.
When I realised next morning what had been going on, I threw up. I can feel a sour taste in my mouth right now, having to go through it again. But, I am not like before. I can't supress it down into a black corner of my subconsciousness and hide it. I have to be strong.
Maybe I am just paranoid. Maybe that one time in the past, where thoughts made the possible homocide of my 12 year old body more real than if it had happened, has scarred me so deeply, so emotionally that I will never walk free from such situations.
Who knows.
At least I tried to free myself from the growing pressure. The emotionally fever.
When I was 12, a man contacted me. I don't remember where from, but it was probably one of those chatrooms that were so popular back then. He said that he was twenty, and he'd like to take me to the movies, the amusement park, or whatever I'd like. For a twelve year old girl that never had pocketmoney, it sounded great. But, as the well raised kid I was, I asked my mom. She said no. I thought about doing it without her permission, but didn't.
Last year; Fresh into the new school, I recieved a letter from the police office. They would like me to testify against a murder. In my small country, murders, especially child murders, are always known by the whol country. I knew this one too. A 40 year old man had broken into her home, raped her, cut her wrists before finally killing her with 16 stabs.
It was the same man that had contacted me 3 years earlier.
For 2 days, I went into a mixture of shock and paralysing. I acted normal on the outside, but I was freezingly cold on the inside. I told my parents two days later. They weren't mad, as I had expected them to be.
When I went home last night, I found a bag on the street. A small bag. I've heard of people who has lost their bags, and opened it to look after a cell phone, or something that I could call her (it was a womens bag) with.
Inside the bag, I saw several disturbing things. A porno magazine, a video and a dildo, still in it's wrapping. I did what I do in such situations; I laughed out loud, thinking "God. Of course, I was the one who found this", continued to laugh, placed the back neatly on the sidewalk and drove home on my bike (at that point, I was alone in the streets. Cille and I had departed earlier).
It was first as I'd biked 10 meters or so that a horrible thought hit me; Who would leave such a bag on the sidewalk? It's not normal, right?
Thoughts from my past began to enter my consiousness; What if there's been a rapist behind those bushes there were in that back yard? What if he, was just WAITING for a hint, that I might accept this stuff or start to touch it. My hysterical and loud laugh mught have scared him from attacking me.
I spent the rest of the night in a statement of shock. I had two personalities. One where the brainconcentration were at zero, no reaction, and the other, where I was babbling, telling people I knew about this, what happened now and my past. Thinking about how I should write it down. My body reacted on it's own. Talked with people in here. Smiled by a joke Ren said. Brushed teeth, read Akira 10 without reading it, slept.
When I realised next morning what had been going on, I threw up. I can feel a sour taste in my mouth right now, having to go through it again. But, I am not like before. I can't supress it down into a black corner of my subconsciousness and hide it. I have to be strong.
Maybe I am just paranoid. Maybe that one time in the past, where thoughts made the possible homocide of my 12 year old body more real than if it had happened, has scarred me so deeply, so emotionally that I will never walk free from such situations.
Who knows.
At least I tried to free myself from the growing pressure. The emotionally fever.