(no subject)
It's done...finally. But I don't know whether to be relieved or crushed. I lost my best friend. The person that made me get up in the morning when all I wanted was to hide from the world. After 6 months of fighting and tension, we're done. I guess we just got sick of fighting...I know I didn't want to anymore. But it's just so unbelievably sad. She was my person...the one person I could count on. After Joe, I didn't want to trust anyone, ever again...but I allowed myself to trust her. I'm not even angry anymore...just so sad. Sad that 2 years of friendship...of helping each other through everything, could just be forgotten and let go of.
We were unseparable. And now I don't know what to do without her. When boys were stupid and other friends didn't understand...when I fell for someone so hard, but I just couldn't bring myself to trust him or tell him, everyone else thought I was crazy...she understood. She told me I wasn't allowed to lose my optimism because she was the cynical one.
And the worst thing is, I don't know how to fix it. I still can't accept her relationship with my ex. I just can't. I wish that I could, that everything would be okay...but it will never be okay in my eyes. I wish I could forget Joe and I ever had a relationship. I wish I could push it to the back of my mind and just pretend it didn't happen or that it wasn't a big deal. But it was. Unfortunately, it happened, what 's done is done and I can't go back. Was our relationship a mistake? I don't know. I regret it now. I regret it because it's caused me to lose 2 of the best friends I ever had.
I don't really know where to turn anymore. I've lost everything I believed in. After Joe, I thought I'd never be happy again...it was a horrible feeling. But then, I started to heal. I had a great best friend, Joe and I were still friends and I wanted nothing more from him, and I had this great guy that I was confident things would work with. But within a matter of a few months...everything just fell apart. And now I don't know what to do. I don't know what to believe in anymore...I can't believe that things will get better because I tried that and they didn't. They got worse.
And now, I've met a couple guys, one in particular, that are pretty great in their own rights. And I could like them. I could. But I'm afraid to let myself get in too deep. Because people always leave. So I have this guy that I could really like. A lot. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him, or even get to know him better because of fear. And my friends tell me to just suck it up and tell him but...it's not that easy. I just can't. The fear, it just...overwhelms you. It takes over until you have convinced yourself that he will never want you and he wouldn't say yes in a million years. And you just hold that belief until it's all you have.
So, I go through the motions...but really...nothing really matters anymore...this wasn't the way my life was supposed to work out. I had everything planned...but now...I'm so broken, I don't know how to repair myself...
"You set your mind on cruise control;
Knuckles grip the wheel in fear to let it go.
Love is empty, love is cruel, love it blindly breaks the rules.
How could you have been a fool?
It's something all of us go through.
You choke back tears and swallow lies
But those wiper blades won't fix your eyes"
Count on having clouded vision for at least a little while."
We were unseparable. And now I don't know what to do without her. When boys were stupid and other friends didn't understand...when I fell for someone so hard, but I just couldn't bring myself to trust him or tell him, everyone else thought I was crazy...she understood. She told me I wasn't allowed to lose my optimism because she was the cynical one.
And the worst thing is, I don't know how to fix it. I still can't accept her relationship with my ex. I just can't. I wish that I could, that everything would be okay...but it will never be okay in my eyes. I wish I could forget Joe and I ever had a relationship. I wish I could push it to the back of my mind and just pretend it didn't happen or that it wasn't a big deal. But it was. Unfortunately, it happened, what 's done is done and I can't go back. Was our relationship a mistake? I don't know. I regret it now. I regret it because it's caused me to lose 2 of the best friends I ever had.
I don't really know where to turn anymore. I've lost everything I believed in. After Joe, I thought I'd never be happy again...it was a horrible feeling. But then, I started to heal. I had a great best friend, Joe and I were still friends and I wanted nothing more from him, and I had this great guy that I was confident things would work with. But within a matter of a few months...everything just fell apart. And now I don't know what to do. I don't know what to believe in anymore...I can't believe that things will get better because I tried that and they didn't. They got worse.
And now, I've met a couple guys, one in particular, that are pretty great in their own rights. And I could like them. I could. But I'm afraid to let myself get in too deep. Because people always leave. So I have this guy that I could really like. A lot. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him, or even get to know him better because of fear. And my friends tell me to just suck it up and tell him but...it's not that easy. I just can't. The fear, it just...overwhelms you. It takes over until you have convinced yourself that he will never want you and he wouldn't say yes in a million years. And you just hold that belief until it's all you have.
So, I go through the motions...but really...nothing really matters anymore...this wasn't the way my life was supposed to work out. I had everything planned...but now...I'm so broken, I don't know how to repair myself...
"You set your mind on cruise control;
Knuckles grip the wheel in fear to let it go.
Love is empty, love is cruel, love it blindly breaks the rules.
How could you have been a fool?
It's something all of us go through.
You choke back tears and swallow lies
But those wiper blades won't fix your eyes"
Count on having clouded vision for at least a little while."