May 04, 2010 15:09
Been a couple of really busy and odd and rough couple of months with moments of goodness mixed in that are really keeping me driven to still try and rise up above that roughness.
I'm currently staying at my parents place in Brantford. An oversight on my part in regards to a speeding ticket has me with a currently suspended license. So what was initially supposed to be an overnight trip for this past Saturday has turned into a week long stay at my parents until my license has been returned to me.
I don't enjoy not being able to drive, those that know me well enough know that driving is my mental escape. I love to drive my car, I love the feel of the road through my steering wheel, the forces as I go around a tight corner at speed pushing me into my seat, cruising along a night time highway with nothing but the moonlight pouring over my windshield as I hear my engine whine louder urging me to push her further, that satisfying feel of shifting my gears as I roll along the road ... it eases my soul. Which is why being unable to feel that right now is unsettling and giving me a trapped feeling. And it's not a feeling that I need right now..
I'm currently unemployed and looking for new work. I took a little bit of time to myself and traveled around Ontario a little bit to give myself some downtime and perspective on my life and my direction. Give myself some time to step back and focus on healing myself a bit after what's gone on this past year. I can't honestly say that I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I do know for a fact that I'm getting closer to being myself again. To feeling like the human being I was, and back to the person I felt like I was becoming before I, well I don't want to say "detoured", but in some ways it seems like the most appropriate word to use.
I'm starting to feel that drive and passion to grow and change that I had over 6 years ago. The desire to constantly improve myself, but to do it for me, not for anyone else. I know who I am again, what I'm about and what I stand for. It still feels slightly foreign to focus that energy on myself and for myself instead of on myself and for someone else. The thing that has been holding it together for me has been the astounding people that I find I have surrounded myself with all these years. I figure if I'm still being me, and being me for myself this time, and they're not just sticking around but wanting to include me in their life, I can't be all that bad. :)
There's obviously more, and a bunch of it negative ... but you know ... I'd rather end this post off on a positive note and just say a big THANKS! to everyone who's been there. Not just in a supportive "here, talk my ear off" sort of way (which is always appreciated), but also for those times when we can all just hang out and chill and I don't have to think of the negatives, just the positives. I look forward to seeing you all again when I get back to Toronto. Hopefully before Friday for Iron Man 2! (Who's wanting to come with me to that?)