Loss of Consciousness
Sorry. Please allow me a moment to explain.
When I read that, all these feelings came rushing to the top like sharks that smell blood in the water, or a dolphin running out of air, or a fat kid playing 'King of the Hill,' or better yet like a black man in New Orleans during Katrina running to his roof to wait for a week until the helicopters finally pick him up.
See the problem? I'm a mess. I can't focus. Truth be told, I'm scared that this is what I've wanted all along. You to be happy... I just didn't want to admit that it could happen without me. I mean I've prayed for it every night for the last twenty-some-odd months.
I miss you. There I said it. I'm leaving in thirty-nine days and I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving and not tying up all the loose ends. I'm scared of being on my own (aside from James) in what might as well be another country. I'm fond of road trips but that's too long and expensive of a trip to make, and I'm not gonna shell out the $300 round trip to visit every few months.
I've pushed away all the people that want to be closest to me and I've been seeking approval and comfort from the most distant fucks around. It's like I have a checklist and if you get high then I want to see you, but if you don't then I don't give a shit.
I had that dream again last night. Where I'm hanging out with all my old high school friends and they offer me some weed. After a long of thought, I wound up smoking it last night. That hasn't happened in a while. I've turned it down every time for the last nine months or so. I'm not in a good place right now as far as my recovery. It's self-will run riot.
Is this making sense? Am I getting anywhere?
When I read that, all these feelings came rushing to the top like sharks that smell blood in the water, or a dolphin running out of air, or a fat kid playing 'King of the Hill,' or better yet like a black man in New Orleans during Katrina running to his roof to wait for a week until the helicopters finally pick him up.
See the problem? I'm a mess. I can't focus. Truth be told, I'm scared that this is what I've wanted all along. You to be happy... I just didn't want to admit that it could happen without me. I mean I've prayed for it every night for the last twenty-some-odd months.
I miss you. There I said it. I'm leaving in thirty-nine days and I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving and not tying up all the loose ends. I'm scared of being on my own (aside from James) in what might as well be another country. I'm fond of road trips but that's too long and expensive of a trip to make, and I'm not gonna shell out the $300 round trip to visit every few months.
I've pushed away all the people that want to be closest to me and I've been seeking approval and comfort from the most distant fucks around. It's like I have a checklist and if you get high then I want to see you, but if you don't then I don't give a shit.
I had that dream again last night. Where I'm hanging out with all my old high school friends and they offer me some weed. After a long of thought, I wound up smoking it last night. That hasn't happened in a while. I've turned it down every time for the last nine months or so. I'm not in a good place right now as far as my recovery. It's self-will run riot.
Is this making sense? Am I getting anywhere?