I Want....
lately i just wanna cry myself to sleep. i feel so down when im here at my house, sitting at this computer and dealing with life. but i cant seem to do it. im fucking rock solid on the outside, which wont allow my feelings to come out physically. all my shit has come in the form of ims or lj replys, which is cowardly and inconsiderate. i have so much i want to get out and while for some its terribly easy to cry and vent i cannot. my eyes burn, my head hurts and i sit here contemplating what i shall do with myself. ive got oo much to do and not enough left to do it i think. many a night i drive home after 12 and think "what if i dont stop here? what if i drive to vegas? what about mexico? i could just drive there, get gas, and turn around and drive back...why do i even need to go that far, why not just out in the desert, surly that would make me feel better..."but i havent. im at the point where i dont know what i want. i want allyson but i dont. i want knowledge that i cant have, i want love that is not there, i want a room that i dont belong in. i see people and hear from friends and relatives how much fun they are having in college, doing nothing but partying , fucking and getting by. i know im better than that but maybe thats what i want right now.....serenity, sensuality, lust, sin, elation, removal, peace