official college kid
So, college isnt so bad.. of course Im totally letting myself slide by in my classes... english 101, psych and intermediate algebra.. (which- i found out, is equivalent to freshman math... ouch. i dont know if im gonna make it.. LoL)
I was only in my english class for all of 2 minutes before half the kids got kicked out and told to come back wednesday.. LoL. Psych was good i suppose, it going to majorally review. Im one of only 2 students who already took the class in high school so ive definitely got a jump start on that. and then math was unbelieveably easy. i mean, it like.. hurt. we did a problem in class... 3+2x when x=2. OH MY FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! i feel like im getting stupider.. in fact SO stupid, that i just used a word that doesnt exist to the english language ;)..
but, other than school, i started my bomb ass job (which i think i mentioned before) and its really great working with cici everyday.. she keeps my life interesting. last week though, it was really really hard to be around her and even harder for me to put on a happy face and pretend i was okay.
first of all.. i finally ended it with kelby. its been 12 days since i last saw him. and it hurts soooo bad. it hurts.. after 4 years, its really really honestly over and im not coping with it at all.. i still wanna rewrite the script. write in a happy ending for him and i. but it wont happen. and so.. i finally end it.. and then a few days later, cici tells me about her and mike. and of course, im not stupid, i knew there was something there. but JESUS it hurt SO FUCKING BAD.. i mean, mike. my ex boyfriend. the ONLY man besides kelby i have had real feelings for in the entire past 4 years. which, up until last week, i DID still have feelings for. and cici, one of the greatest people ive been around in such a long time. she makes my life so..exciting and i love having her around.. and i cant help but feel a little betrayed. i mean, i know mike and i decided it would never work for us, and we were okay as friends... but it was just such a huge deal that i had genuine feelings for any other man than kelby.. and for the two of them to turn around and start dating.. i feel very alone to say the least. very alone. i cant really explain it in words why i feel that way.. its not like i am every too alone. im always around people i care about, who love me, who i love just as dearly.. but deep inside.. im just.. remarkably sad. especially now. especially 2 weeks away from moving into my own apartment. 2 weeks away from FINALLY, after 18 years, having the freedom to do what i want when i want and where i want. finally having the freedom to have kelby spend the night... and then i remember.. he wont be coming over anymore.. my bed is going to be empty. nobody is going to wake me up at 8 am with sweet soft kisses.. nobody is gonna call me at exactly 11 AM every morning on their way to work. and GOD oh GOD i miss him so much.
im still in love with him. and now, more than ever, i need him. or someone. anyone. because i hurt and im sad and i dont want to be alone..
I was only in my english class for all of 2 minutes before half the kids got kicked out and told to come back wednesday.. LoL. Psych was good i suppose, it going to majorally review. Im one of only 2 students who already took the class in high school so ive definitely got a jump start on that. and then math was unbelieveably easy. i mean, it like.. hurt. we did a problem in class... 3+2x when x=2. OH MY FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! i feel like im getting stupider.. in fact SO stupid, that i just used a word that doesnt exist to the english language ;)..
but, other than school, i started my bomb ass job (which i think i mentioned before) and its really great working with cici everyday.. she keeps my life interesting. last week though, it was really really hard to be around her and even harder for me to put on a happy face and pretend i was okay.
first of all.. i finally ended it with kelby. its been 12 days since i last saw him. and it hurts soooo bad. it hurts.. after 4 years, its really really honestly over and im not coping with it at all.. i still wanna rewrite the script. write in a happy ending for him and i. but it wont happen. and so.. i finally end it.. and then a few days later, cici tells me about her and mike. and of course, im not stupid, i knew there was something there. but JESUS it hurt SO FUCKING BAD.. i mean, mike. my ex boyfriend. the ONLY man besides kelby i have had real feelings for in the entire past 4 years. which, up until last week, i DID still have feelings for. and cici, one of the greatest people ive been around in such a long time. she makes my life so..exciting and i love having her around.. and i cant help but feel a little betrayed. i mean, i know mike and i decided it would never work for us, and we were okay as friends... but it was just such a huge deal that i had genuine feelings for any other man than kelby.. and for the two of them to turn around and start dating.. i feel very alone to say the least. very alone. i cant really explain it in words why i feel that way.. its not like i am every too alone. im always around people i care about, who love me, who i love just as dearly.. but deep inside.. im just.. remarkably sad. especially now. especially 2 weeks away from moving into my own apartment. 2 weeks away from FINALLY, after 18 years, having the freedom to do what i want when i want and where i want. finally having the freedom to have kelby spend the night... and then i remember.. he wont be coming over anymore.. my bed is going to be empty. nobody is going to wake me up at 8 am with sweet soft kisses.. nobody is gonna call me at exactly 11 AM every morning on their way to work. and GOD oh GOD i miss him so much.
im still in love with him. and now, more than ever, i need him. or someone. anyone. because i hurt and im sad and i dont want to be alone..