Tiresome
Its a funny thing writing in a journal you know others are gonna read. You cant help but know as youre writing to yourself that others are going to read and judge what you read. So, you are left with a dilemma. Do you write like you really feel or do you write what you feel, but censor the things you know others shouldnt hear? Or just not write at all??
Well, heres whats on my mind.. knowing youre gonna read this.
In the months after we separated, before he got out, I wrote more than once of how badly I wanted to forget him.. To forget the feelings I had for him, to forget the pain I felt. I know it would be easier for me if I could, but I know that will never happen. And right now, Im perfectly okay with that. Im still so absurdly in love with him that its sickening.
Getting to see him in the last few weeks are far from what I wish we had, but damn, I have no room to complain. Being with him, and talking to him has made me realize so many things I was so wrong about.. I cant take back the things Ive done, and I cant reverse the hurt Ive caused, and I can see how deeply Ive hurt him. I was wrong in my so-called convictions. At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for me, I thought the only way I could ever make it, and become a better person was if I did it alone. I thought he was holding me back from life.
Now.. its so glaringly obvious to me how wrong I was. Kelby makes me a better person. He has an overwhealming presence, and being around him is intoxicating. When Im around him, I hope that some of his strength and convictions rub off on me. The world would be lucky to have more people like him. I love everything about him. (except his attitude with me sometimes!!!) I feel absolutely whole and complete and calm and blessed and BLISSFUL when Im with him. And when Im not around him, and Im thinking of when I see him next, the next time I get to steal away a few hours to be with him, I feel hope, and adoration and love. I get through whatever I need to get through for the hope of that next rendezvous! The things I clung to while he was gone arent important anymore. My priorities have changed, and thats not a bad thing!
...And.. our situation still sucks. I wish I could redo the last 2 years, and change all the things Ive fucked up between us. Id be a better girlfriend, a more devoted wife. Id make more constructive choices. But hindsight is always 20/20. We are not together. I cant help but open my emotions to him, and he knows how I feel. But I know hes holding himself back, and I cant say I dont understand why. After how shitty Ive been to him, Im counting myself lucky to be seeing him at all. Hes afraid to open himself up to me. Hes afraid to love me again. He cant trust me again.. yet. Maybe one day he may be able to. But how can I blame him if he cant?? I did this I made my bed, I gotta lay in it.
And moreover than that, I feel like he has to have his chance to be free. I unfortunately had mine, more or less, while he was gone. Hes never had that chance. I think its really important that he have that chance.. no matter how much it may break my heart. I guess Im surrendering to karma. I know its what I deserve for putting him through hell. I probably deserve alot worse, even.
Ah, well. I just have to put my life into the hands of fate, and hope it works out in the end.
Well, heres whats on my mind.. knowing youre gonna read this.
In the months after we separated, before he got out, I wrote more than once of how badly I wanted to forget him.. To forget the feelings I had for him, to forget the pain I felt. I know it would be easier for me if I could, but I know that will never happen. And right now, Im perfectly okay with that. Im still so absurdly in love with him that its sickening.
Getting to see him in the last few weeks are far from what I wish we had, but damn, I have no room to complain. Being with him, and talking to him has made me realize so many things I was so wrong about.. I cant take back the things Ive done, and I cant reverse the hurt Ive caused, and I can see how deeply Ive hurt him. I was wrong in my so-called convictions. At the time, I thought I was doing what was best for me, I thought the only way I could ever make it, and become a better person was if I did it alone. I thought he was holding me back from life.
Now.. its so glaringly obvious to me how wrong I was. Kelby makes me a better person. He has an overwhealming presence, and being around him is intoxicating. When Im around him, I hope that some of his strength and convictions rub off on me. The world would be lucky to have more people like him. I love everything about him. (except his attitude with me sometimes!!!) I feel absolutely whole and complete and calm and blessed and BLISSFUL when Im with him. And when Im not around him, and Im thinking of when I see him next, the next time I get to steal away a few hours to be with him, I feel hope, and adoration and love. I get through whatever I need to get through for the hope of that next rendezvous! The things I clung to while he was gone arent important anymore. My priorities have changed, and thats not a bad thing!
...And.. our situation still sucks. I wish I could redo the last 2 years, and change all the things Ive fucked up between us. Id be a better girlfriend, a more devoted wife. Id make more constructive choices. But hindsight is always 20/20. We are not together. I cant help but open my emotions to him, and he knows how I feel. But I know hes holding himself back, and I cant say I dont understand why. After how shitty Ive been to him, Im counting myself lucky to be seeing him at all. Hes afraid to open himself up to me. Hes afraid to love me again. He cant trust me again.. yet. Maybe one day he may be able to. But how can I blame him if he cant?? I did this I made my bed, I gotta lay in it.
And moreover than that, I feel like he has to have his chance to be free. I unfortunately had mine, more or less, while he was gone. Hes never had that chance. I think its really important that he have that chance.. no matter how much it may break my heart. I guess Im surrendering to karma. I know its what I deserve for putting him through hell. I probably deserve alot worse, even.
Ah, well. I just have to put my life into the hands of fate, and hope it works out in the end.