Awaken
I had forgotten for a while why I dont like going out with girls on Friday nights, and why I dont like places like RTO Sullivans. I spent a miserable Friday night babysitting a girl I hardly knew, and then avoiding her punches in a bar parking lot after last call, when she had too much to drink and I wasnt willing to tolerate her childish behavior. I dislike girls, I dislike preppy bars, and I dislike people in general when they have drank more than they can handle. I dont want to babysit. Babysitting is for teenagers and mothers, and Im neither anymore.
I like this new me. I have realized Im a "pleaser". I have agreed to do things, and compromise myself over and over again, when I havent wanted to, because I think, 'well, I dont really want to, but if it makes their lives easier- or happier, whatever; then sure, Ill just go along with it.' Well Im a pleaser no more! I enjoy being a little bit selfish now, for the first time. Although I stood in the parking lot for almost half an hour taking this ridiculous womans abuse, I did so for my friend, who I wasnt willing to leave stranded with this drunken crying mess of a human being. And I yelled at this woman, told her she was being selfish, childish and unfair to her friend, and then, I left, without allowing myself to get dragged into the stupid drama I feel Im above now.
Sure, it probably would have made my friends life easier if I had stayed and helped shoulder the abuse this idiot was spewing, but my friend allowed herself to get sucked into the drama, I wasnt allowing myself to be sucked in. Her faults, her problems. I dont have to stay just to please her or make her life easier.
I am taking this new found self importance into other areas of my life. Im not okay with being talked to like Im sub-human, or that I deserve the abuse based on past instances. I dont have to deal with it. I can choose to remove myself from unwanted anger. I can decide my own drama, or lackthereof, and Im fully fully enjoying living a blissfully pleasant existance.
There are certain people in my life I would love to have in my life for years and decades to come, but Im starting to wonder if there are just sometimes, too much history to be able to have a normal future. I think there may be a point where history begins to infringe on the possibility of a future. I think if there were a way to leave the past in the past, then the future could be wonderful, but if you arent able to move on, and forget the bad days, then no future is able to exist. Im not willing to dwell in my past anymore. I have accepted my faults, and the horrible demonic things Ive done to those Ive loved, and I will continue to grow from those mistakes for the rest of my life, but I will not let my mistakes define my humanity. Im better than I was yesterday, and last year, and 3 years ago. I will become a person I will be proud of, and the mere knowledge of that makes me stronger and more proud of myself.
Every person in my life either contributes to my life, or contaminates it, and I am the only one who gets to decide where my journey takes me and who gets to go along for the ride.
I like this new me. I have realized Im a "pleaser". I have agreed to do things, and compromise myself over and over again, when I havent wanted to, because I think, 'well, I dont really want to, but if it makes their lives easier- or happier, whatever; then sure, Ill just go along with it.' Well Im a pleaser no more! I enjoy being a little bit selfish now, for the first time. Although I stood in the parking lot for almost half an hour taking this ridiculous womans abuse, I did so for my friend, who I wasnt willing to leave stranded with this drunken crying mess of a human being. And I yelled at this woman, told her she was being selfish, childish and unfair to her friend, and then, I left, without allowing myself to get dragged into the stupid drama I feel Im above now.
Sure, it probably would have made my friends life easier if I had stayed and helped shoulder the abuse this idiot was spewing, but my friend allowed herself to get sucked into the drama, I wasnt allowing myself to be sucked in. Her faults, her problems. I dont have to stay just to please her or make her life easier.
I am taking this new found self importance into other areas of my life. Im not okay with being talked to like Im sub-human, or that I deserve the abuse based on past instances. I dont have to deal with it. I can choose to remove myself from unwanted anger. I can decide my own drama, or lackthereof, and Im fully fully enjoying living a blissfully pleasant existance.
There are certain people in my life I would love to have in my life for years and decades to come, but Im starting to wonder if there are just sometimes, too much history to be able to have a normal future. I think there may be a point where history begins to infringe on the possibility of a future. I think if there were a way to leave the past in the past, then the future could be wonderful, but if you arent able to move on, and forget the bad days, then no future is able to exist. Im not willing to dwell in my past anymore. I have accepted my faults, and the horrible demonic things Ive done to those Ive loved, and I will continue to grow from those mistakes for the rest of my life, but I will not let my mistakes define my humanity. Im better than I was yesterday, and last year, and 3 years ago. I will become a person I will be proud of, and the mere knowledge of that makes me stronger and more proud of myself.
Every person in my life either contributes to my life, or contaminates it, and I am the only one who gets to decide where my journey takes me and who gets to go along for the ride.