or so i though..
most insecure about my insecurities. all it takes is a little reassurance. i keep my arms extended but if i feel even in the smallest amout, that you may not take hold, i will withdraw. i can't just put myself out there if i think i may be rejected. i will always assume that i am not enough to keep you so that if you walk away, i have already prepared myself. it is not a lack of trust, i trust you with my life. maybe a lack of trust in myself, or lack of faith. how could i possibly be allowed to keep something so beautiful this close to me forever. loss is the only thing that makes sense to me, even thought i know it is a part of everything in life, i am just so scared to lose you. i can't tell you enough how much i love you.. but if i don't hear it first, i assume you may not feel it and that hearing it from me may push you away. this is the first time and the absolute most effort i have ever put into loving another human being that wasn't my own flesh and blood. and it is the hardest thing for me to do because i am so sure it could never possibly last if it makes me this happy. if i hear the slightest bit of hurt or irritation in your voice, i am deeply affected to the point where i can feel it as if it is my own. i would love to carry your burdens so that you could walk effortlessly through life with nothing but smiling eyes and anticipation for what comes next. i would love to hear you laugh every single moment so that i knew you were getting the most out of your life. it is almost impossible to be away from you because you can make me feel all of these things without hesitation. and my only fear, is anything that may alter the simple state of me just loving you. i know that it is a common thing to do, love blindly and without concern for much of anything else. but to me, this is unusual, and i am putting everything into it. i look forward to always feeling that way for you and hope that in turn maybe i could return the favor. so if at times you feel that i am pulling away please know that i am in fact holding tight to you and each and every single memory and possibility because if i do in fact lose you, i want to keep them all.