over. a state of release.
this will be over by tomorrow.
wow if some days don't just knock the wind out of you. i am still smiling and still lucky, but shit. everyone should be able to vent.
kevin going to the hospital in the middle of the night is something i know that i will soon become accustomed to.. however, it is also something to which i will never find ways to adjust.
i hate the streaks down my mother face because she is losing her son every day and her husband has been lost for far too long to bring him back. angry. violent. unreasonable and defensive. i swear to god he is the sickest one in this family. still i hate when he comes home for his 5 minutes a day with red eyes and stutters to us that he loves us but still leaves just so angry that it is actually impossible for me to sleep at night. how can i love someone so much. and still wish for the day that i would never have to encounter them again?
friends that you have literally hurt yourself over time and time again. just to maintain a momentary feeling of security with someone who may actually give a shit... usually leave you in the dust behind lies and things you could never understand because when you love.. you really love, and could never even dream of hurting someone the way that these so called friends have hurt you.
this confusion when it comes to "relationships" isn't confused at all. i know what i want. new. something untarnished by reality. and though i know that things as such cannot last they are far better than the things that have lasted for way too long... and leave you equally disillusioned. but trust me i know that this feeling can continue far past the beginning stages simply through being excited that this person is a part of your life.
i have learned that i am in fact capable of loving. and the true test to learning that i am truly in love. is by the reality of the fact that it is probably an impossible illusion brought to life briefly by the shot of an illusion in imagining it could really exist, and doing it anyways.
my irresponsibility. well. we are all irresponsible in some way. i just happen to be better at focusing this tentative disregard towards my own well being.. if i think it may be beneficial to a relationship i may be having with anyone friend or otherwise that can make me feel better for even one second.
my sanctuary. i have found it in a state of hiding that others often refer to as being scared. maybe i am scared to face reality however i can also let it go. simply by just ignoring the things that hurt i can often feel safe and it is almost malicious the way that i can make you go away without a moments regret once you have crossed the line.
my happiness. is intoxicating. because i realize that all these things listed above do not hold a flame to the things that i have in my life and that i can be sure of. my daughter ( the most encompassing creature that i have ever encountered) my family, dysfunctional and destructive as they may be. those friends i can count on one hand that i would give my life for based solely on the fact that they have kept me feeling so truly alive. and the fact that i know that i can't be broken by anything, not at all.
and FUCK YOU for trying.
Currently listening:
The Inalienable Dreamless
By Discordance Axis
Release date: By 04 January, 2005
wow if some days don't just knock the wind out of you. i am still smiling and still lucky, but shit. everyone should be able to vent.
kevin going to the hospital in the middle of the night is something i know that i will soon become accustomed to.. however, it is also something to which i will never find ways to adjust.
i hate the streaks down my mother face because she is losing her son every day and her husband has been lost for far too long to bring him back. angry. violent. unreasonable and defensive. i swear to god he is the sickest one in this family. still i hate when he comes home for his 5 minutes a day with red eyes and stutters to us that he loves us but still leaves just so angry that it is actually impossible for me to sleep at night. how can i love someone so much. and still wish for the day that i would never have to encounter them again?
friends that you have literally hurt yourself over time and time again. just to maintain a momentary feeling of security with someone who may actually give a shit... usually leave you in the dust behind lies and things you could never understand because when you love.. you really love, and could never even dream of hurting someone the way that these so called friends have hurt you.
this confusion when it comes to "relationships" isn't confused at all. i know what i want. new. something untarnished by reality. and though i know that things as such cannot last they are far better than the things that have lasted for way too long... and leave you equally disillusioned. but trust me i know that this feeling can continue far past the beginning stages simply through being excited that this person is a part of your life.
i have learned that i am in fact capable of loving. and the true test to learning that i am truly in love. is by the reality of the fact that it is probably an impossible illusion brought to life briefly by the shot of an illusion in imagining it could really exist, and doing it anyways.
my irresponsibility. well. we are all irresponsible in some way. i just happen to be better at focusing this tentative disregard towards my own well being.. if i think it may be beneficial to a relationship i may be having with anyone friend or otherwise that can make me feel better for even one second.
my sanctuary. i have found it in a state of hiding that others often refer to as being scared. maybe i am scared to face reality however i can also let it go. simply by just ignoring the things that hurt i can often feel safe and it is almost malicious the way that i can make you go away without a moments regret once you have crossed the line.
my happiness. is intoxicating. because i realize that all these things listed above do not hold a flame to the things that i have in my life and that i can be sure of. my daughter ( the most encompassing creature that i have ever encountered) my family, dysfunctional and destructive as they may be. those friends i can count on one hand that i would give my life for based solely on the fact that they have kept me feeling so truly alive. and the fact that i know that i can't be broken by anything, not at all.
and FUCK YOU for trying.
Currently listening:
The Inalienable Dreamless
By Discordance Axis
Release date: By 04 January, 2005