Oh what a night....

[illaskforthesea]

Just got back from working all the tension out of my body. Last night and today were just incredibly stressful. I used to try and forget about it until it built up and then I'd finally blow up at my family. This was what I grew up around, taking other people's shit because they had a bad day. Now I love my family, don't get me wrong. But I have been analyzing our behavior. My dad's job makes him travel all the time, so he's not home very often. My mom works too and my brother and I are just students. We were never made to really do anything around the house, I didn't grow up doing chores...my mom still makes my bed and cleans my room when I don't. She's constantly coming home from a long, tiring, and physically taxing day at work and having to clean the house, do laundry and make dinner because neither my dad or my brother will do much of anything. So immediately she's in a bad mood. My dad's excuse is, "I work hard to bring in our income so I shouldn't have to do anything around the house." And my bro and I are just lazy sometimes. Now that I'm gone ALOT doesnt get done. Then the yelling and arguing starts. It starts with just two people and then it spreads to everyone else until we're all pissy. Sometimes I feel like we have such a dysfunctional family. The rents never go out and do anything fun...having people over for dinner maybe once a month is about the extent of it. We never went to football games or anything as a family when we were growing up...The childhood was normal enough, as normal as anyone's can be. But sometimes I feel like we all missed out on some things. So this is all embedded in who I am right now, until I can figure out who I really am. I see these traits coming through sometimes, especially when I'm talking with Nate. If something doesn't please me or rubs me the wrong way I'll get silent. Sometimes I don't know why and if asked what is wrong, I'll say "nothing" and try to avoid any further conversation. This is JUST LIKE MY MOM..and I hate hate hate when she does this. She shuts people out, she always has. I'm constantly encouraging people to talk to me about their feelings, why can't I do the same??

Had a blast with my big sis last night. We made a pizza from scratch...you know, rolling the dough and everything. I ate sooo much. I guess I need to stop eating stuff like that if I'm serious about all this working out... We watched some tv and talked. Good times... She gave me this really cute shirt and picture frame that I immediately found the perfect picture for. It's sittin on my desk right now with my baby's cute lil pic in it.

So..I'm stinky and need a shower... thats it for tonight...