shame on you for thinking you're all alone
CURRENTLY WRITING;
- Seimei/Ritsuka, Giovanni/Haine. Yes, at the same fucking time. It's actually kind of fun!
- Dante & Vergil.
- Hidan/Itachi.
Ugh, I'm so slow. (lol 1:42 of Dead Star).
But you know, on a serious if slightly emo note, it's becoming more and more prominent lately that I put up a significant front when interacting with people in real life. Not in the same way people might think or expect, I just have to change and restrain myself in certain areas, and- well everyone has to, right? But fuck that, that isn't very fun, is it. I'd like not to be judged. And I suppose everyone would. And I guess that's what we're looking for, right? The person, the people, who'll just accept for who we are and not ask for anything else.
Sounds like a load of bollocks, but I guess we keep on looking.
I sound introspective, but lol I am honestly always like this. As a person for me religious views, philsophical things, matters of global issues and worldviews- are extremely important to me. It's kind of hard/weird, when people my age tend to focus on studies or something and at most have a passing interest in whether or not the black guy's going to win for once, because democrats are liek ~*~awesome~*~, amirite. There's not many people IRL I can talk to about shit, that being one of the reasons why.
Another being that many of my friends are Christian. Painfully so. Catholic, Orthodox, right there. Plenty are Protestant, too, but I'll be honest and say I don't understand the Christian denominations at all. Lol to Christians reading this: please don't take offense? But I don't understand you, not anymore. I used to, a long time ago.
It just bugs me that faith is- a be-all, end-all excuse for so many things. I'm not saying that faith is- bad, as much as I sometimes feel that way. It's just extremely frustrating to be having a discussion and suddenly you pull out the amazing FAITH trumpcard and the argument's over and can't go anywhere else. It's like a you guys have a cheatcode or something, that isn't fair. I'd pull the ignorance-is-bliss thing, but then I'd have a fair lynchmob after me.
I've always had Faith and Religion and God as completely seperate things, as difficult as it is to explain to people who so deeply intertwine them with tons of other crap, as well as each other. Fundamentally no one likes it when religion is used an excuse for war, hatred, killing, etc etc blah, we've all heard the stories, we know the Crusades, I don't need to elaborate. There's nothing I can add to that, because most of us quite agree that that really fucking sucks, and Westboro Baptist really needs to sod off.
I'm talking funny.
But what I have issue is with Faith as a placeholder for logic. Faith as an excuse. An ultimate pursuit of truth is difficult to grasp, a pursuit of pure logic and science even harder- it's just- hard, isn't it? Faith is easier.
Save us all from nihilism, but it's sometimes hard to believe the truth is out there, no matter what Mulder says.
And come to think of it, Mulder then needs faith in that truth too, huh.
This was all triggered by a talk to Movin about bigfoot, by the way. He was talking about how people won't believe things until there is evidence. And I stated that while this is true, while we need to be open to ideas, the fundamental "prove it" mentality is everything science and reason is built upon, and if it somehow were wiped off scientific knowledge as we know to this day would just collapse in on itself and we'd be living in a strange world indeed. And he talked about how some things didn't need proving, and I asked, and he said he was Christian. ...I facepalmed.
In the end I'm just some kid, trying to find something to believe, right?
But I wonder if I were somehow given the choice to continue living as I am now- unsure and uncertain and helluva confused with everything- or to suddenly become a born-again Christian complete with unshakeable faith, if I'd take that option. Ignorance is bliss, blah blah blah, but it's- an interesting question, don't you think? A hard one.
Yeah, just a kid. Just a confused kid yelling questions into the giant black gaping abyss that is the universe, and it's dark and lonely and fucking cold. And the only things you hear are echoes of your questions, from far away, and the only things you see are stars- and people always say they're definite, real, always talk about how we're all under the same stars in the same sky, but the stars are flickering and dying. The only things we ever see of stars are, after all, old photographs.
Faith is, in a way, accepting that something cannot be understood. Is it really so- wrong- to want to understand? To want to fully comprehend and sate the curiousity that has been, most agree, the only thing tying humanity together as- humanity. As human. Thirst for knowledge, thirst to learn. But then alternatively, is it so bad to- accept?
To me it sounds a bit like a coward's way out. I don't want to say it and it makes me feel like an asshole, but ff. Like the easy way out. Accept the truth is unknowable and just... stagnate.
Not enough for me, I'm afraid. I want to know for sure.
So it's this what it's like, yelling into the blackness? Like I said, though, there are echoes. Whispers of things. But they're bouncing off- something, and I guess that will have to be enough for now.
I just wish the people around me would do some screaming of their own instead of just sitting there with their noses in books all day. My lungs are tired, and the echoes would probably be easier to hear.
I do actually carry on these metaphors without so much as backspacing, I think weird like that.
But it feels like that again, like even though I'm rambling I'm holding things back from myself. I think I have much more contempt for Christianity and Faith than I am willing to fully admit, ehnce why I'm adding this as some sort of a footnote- that is turning out to be a weird sort of meta-commentary, which is kind of cool but weird. But yeah, I'm not comfortable with it- not because I'm not comfortable with my beliefs, but with the conflict with other beliefs- and of the beliefs of those I interact with daily. It annoys me that we can't agree on a common truth, because it somehow implies there is no one truth, and- there has to be, right? Or else we're all kind of fucked to all hell. It annoys me that they'd rather sit on their asses with their faith than think about things, that most of them don't even question why they believe.
I'm not comfortable with the fact that we disagree. The world's not black and white, but gray, and not even uniform gray but so much gray, so much fucking gray and all the colors of the rainbow just smudged around like nobody's business. It used to be simpler, and I liked it better that way, but I don't think I can turn back, either.
You know what's worse? So many of my Christian friends just won't even try to question their beliefs. I do it. All the time. On a daily basis. Too much. Evenduring my exams. I'm a kid with badly-placed priorities, probably why I'm such a fucking dumbass at school, I'm too busy thinking about effectively useless shit. At least in the immediate stage.
Most of them were born into Christian households. I was born to a confused mother who eventually found Buddhism when I was 13, a Taoist father, a brother who has experimented briefly with both Buddhism and Christianity, a sister that seems to be a decided Free Thinker. My extended family is mostly Buddhist, but there's some Catholic in there, too. Much exposure, I think- given how there was absolutely no Christianity in my immediate family and the Catholics are related via a cousin's marriage, I still wonder how I ended up in a Church kindergarten and in a Methodist school. But I never clicked with Bible Study and prayer and hymns the same way the other kids did, I never answered "BECAUSE GOD LOVES US" to any question like some wide-eyed kid. I learned why, eventually, but for awhile I didn't understand why I couldn't just- do it. I like had a severe disability to pray. It felt- wrong. Fundamentally wrong.
Reach out and touch faith.
But how can you be so sure of your beliefs if you don't question them? And honestly question them. Stop defending yourselves with bible verses and for fucks' sake stop defending yourself with faith. You've learned it in goddamn English classes, that's basic logical fallacy right there, and stop with the circular logic and the "I guess we'll never know and we just have to believe". No. Question them. Honestly, fucking honestly asking yourself, Why Do I Believe This, and if your answer is satisfactory then- I guess, good for you.
I've only ever talked to two strict Christians about this. One said that she honestly never really had the chance to think about religion (father is a pastor!), and that she doesn't want to, doesn't see a reason to (this kind of annoys me). Another admitted that until I started talking to her about it she'd never thought about this kind of thing before, she went as far to say that- I've talked to her about LGBT, too- that if not for me, that she would've been much like my other friends, and would've been against it. And now she just isn't sure.
Well I'm glad I made a difference for someone, but ergh. Honestly, how many kids just born into Christian families never get to decide for themselves? I don't like Sunday School, don't like religious teachings, if anything a kid should just be able to believe in whatever makes the most sense for him, because that's what I did, and I'm very very happy for it. The moms who push for evolution to not be taught in schools annoys me, but the ones who do that and then push for intelligent design to be taught instead plain piss me off.
("Forced to teach gay marriage", god don't get me started. Fucking hell, California. Keep pushing 48%, keep on pushing.)
I don't like being angry at people. I don't like being angry at things. I don't like disagreement. I like agreeing and getting along, but I guess that's why I repress myself, sometimes. Because I know I'll have to accept that some people are right and some people are wrong, and that it might not all be relative- that I have to find something firm to believe in and stand for. I have to accept that I disagree with my friends on things as fundamental and universal as Life and Existence and God.
It's hard, of course, and I don't want to, but I'll have to.
I've been like talking for forever and I'm tired. I don't even know what to think anymore. Thinking about so many things makes me sad and confused and even more fucking lonely than ever. I've always felt lonely, in crowds, even among friends. So why is it so different now?
The new shrink was supposed to make an appointment with me like 3 weeks ago. My parents have called them, but to no avail. That kind of fucking sucks.
I'm done, I guess. I bet I made a million stupid typos.
Public because someone not on LJ wanted to see it.
- Seimei/Ritsuka, Giovanni/Haine. Yes, at the same fucking time. It's actually kind of fun!
- Dante & Vergil.
- Hidan/Itachi.
Ugh, I'm so slow. (lol 1:42 of Dead Star).
But you know, on a serious if slightly emo note, it's becoming more and more prominent lately that I put up a significant front when interacting with people in real life. Not in the same way people might think or expect, I just have to change and restrain myself in certain areas, and- well everyone has to, right? But fuck that, that isn't very fun, is it. I'd like not to be judged. And I suppose everyone would. And I guess that's what we're looking for, right? The person, the people, who'll just accept for who we are and not ask for anything else.
Sounds like a load of bollocks, but I guess we keep on looking.
I sound introspective, but lol I am honestly always like this. As a person for me religious views, philsophical things, matters of global issues and worldviews- are extremely important to me. It's kind of hard/weird, when people my age tend to focus on studies or something and at most have a passing interest in whether or not the black guy's going to win for once, because democrats are liek ~*~awesome~*~, amirite. There's not many people IRL I can talk to about shit, that being one of the reasons why.
Another being that many of my friends are Christian. Painfully so. Catholic, Orthodox, right there. Plenty are Protestant, too, but I'll be honest and say I don't understand the Christian denominations at all. Lol to Christians reading this: please don't take offense? But I don't understand you, not anymore. I used to, a long time ago.
It just bugs me that faith is- a be-all, end-all excuse for so many things. I'm not saying that faith is- bad, as much as I sometimes feel that way. It's just extremely frustrating to be having a discussion and suddenly you pull out the amazing FAITH trumpcard and the argument's over and can't go anywhere else. It's like a you guys have a cheatcode or something, that isn't fair. I'd pull the ignorance-is-bliss thing, but then I'd have a fair lynchmob after me.
I've always had Faith and Religion and God as completely seperate things, as difficult as it is to explain to people who so deeply intertwine them with tons of other crap, as well as each other. Fundamentally no one likes it when religion is used an excuse for war, hatred, killing, etc etc blah, we've all heard the stories, we know the Crusades, I don't need to elaborate. There's nothing I can add to that, because most of us quite agree that that really fucking sucks, and Westboro Baptist really needs to sod off.
I'm talking funny.
But what I have issue is with Faith as a placeholder for logic. Faith as an excuse. An ultimate pursuit of truth is difficult to grasp, a pursuit of pure logic and science even harder- it's just- hard, isn't it? Faith is easier.
Save us all from nihilism, but it's sometimes hard to believe the truth is out there, no matter what Mulder says.
And come to think of it, Mulder then needs faith in that truth too, huh.
This was all triggered by a talk to Movin about bigfoot, by the way. He was talking about how people won't believe things until there is evidence. And I stated that while this is true, while we need to be open to ideas, the fundamental "prove it" mentality is everything science and reason is built upon, and if it somehow were wiped off scientific knowledge as we know to this day would just collapse in on itself and we'd be living in a strange world indeed. And he talked about how some things didn't need proving, and I asked, and he said he was Christian. ...I facepalmed.
In the end I'm just some kid, trying to find something to believe, right?
But I wonder if I were somehow given the choice to continue living as I am now- unsure and uncertain and helluva confused with everything- or to suddenly become a born-again Christian complete with unshakeable faith, if I'd take that option. Ignorance is bliss, blah blah blah, but it's- an interesting question, don't you think? A hard one.
Yeah, just a kid. Just a confused kid yelling questions into the giant black gaping abyss that is the universe, and it's dark and lonely and fucking cold. And the only things you hear are echoes of your questions, from far away, and the only things you see are stars- and people always say they're definite, real, always talk about how we're all under the same stars in the same sky, but the stars are flickering and dying. The only things we ever see of stars are, after all, old photographs.
Faith is, in a way, accepting that something cannot be understood. Is it really so- wrong- to want to understand? To want to fully comprehend and sate the curiousity that has been, most agree, the only thing tying humanity together as- humanity. As human. Thirst for knowledge, thirst to learn. But then alternatively, is it so bad to- accept?
To me it sounds a bit like a coward's way out. I don't want to say it and it makes me feel like an asshole, but ff. Like the easy way out. Accept the truth is unknowable and just... stagnate.
Not enough for me, I'm afraid. I want to know for sure.
So it's this what it's like, yelling into the blackness? Like I said, though, there are echoes. Whispers of things. But they're bouncing off- something, and I guess that will have to be enough for now.
I just wish the people around me would do some screaming of their own instead of just sitting there with their noses in books all day. My lungs are tired, and the echoes would probably be easier to hear.
I do actually carry on these metaphors without so much as backspacing, I think weird like that.
But it feels like that again, like even though I'm rambling I'm holding things back from myself. I think I have much more contempt for Christianity and Faith than I am willing to fully admit, ehnce why I'm adding this as some sort of a footnote- that is turning out to be a weird sort of meta-commentary, which is kind of cool but weird. But yeah, I'm not comfortable with it- not because I'm not comfortable with my beliefs, but with the conflict with other beliefs- and of the beliefs of those I interact with daily. It annoys me that we can't agree on a common truth, because it somehow implies there is no one truth, and- there has to be, right? Or else we're all kind of fucked to all hell. It annoys me that they'd rather sit on their asses with their faith than think about things, that most of them don't even question why they believe.
I'm not comfortable with the fact that we disagree. The world's not black and white, but gray, and not even uniform gray but so much gray, so much fucking gray and all the colors of the rainbow just smudged around like nobody's business. It used to be simpler, and I liked it better that way, but I don't think I can turn back, either.
You know what's worse? So many of my Christian friends just won't even try to question their beliefs. I do it. All the time. On a daily basis. Too much. Evenduring my exams. I'm a kid with badly-placed priorities, probably why I'm such a fucking dumbass at school, I'm too busy thinking about effectively useless shit. At least in the immediate stage.
Most of them were born into Christian households. I was born to a confused mother who eventually found Buddhism when I was 13, a Taoist father, a brother who has experimented briefly with both Buddhism and Christianity, a sister that seems to be a decided Free Thinker. My extended family is mostly Buddhist, but there's some Catholic in there, too. Much exposure, I think- given how there was absolutely no Christianity in my immediate family and the Catholics are related via a cousin's marriage, I still wonder how I ended up in a Church kindergarten and in a Methodist school. But I never clicked with Bible Study and prayer and hymns the same way the other kids did, I never answered "BECAUSE GOD LOVES US" to any question like some wide-eyed kid. I learned why, eventually, but for awhile I didn't understand why I couldn't just- do it. I like had a severe disability to pray. It felt- wrong. Fundamentally wrong.
Reach out and touch faith.
But how can you be so sure of your beliefs if you don't question them? And honestly question them. Stop defending yourselves with bible verses and for fucks' sake stop defending yourself with faith. You've learned it in goddamn English classes, that's basic logical fallacy right there, and stop with the circular logic and the "I guess we'll never know and we just have to believe". No. Question them. Honestly, fucking honestly asking yourself, Why Do I Believe This, and if your answer is satisfactory then- I guess, good for you.
I've only ever talked to two strict Christians about this. One said that she honestly never really had the chance to think about religion (father is a pastor!), and that she doesn't want to, doesn't see a reason to (this kind of annoys me). Another admitted that until I started talking to her about it she'd never thought about this kind of thing before, she went as far to say that- I've talked to her about LGBT, too- that if not for me, that she would've been much like my other friends, and would've been against it. And now she just isn't sure.
Well I'm glad I made a difference for someone, but ergh. Honestly, how many kids just born into Christian families never get to decide for themselves? I don't like Sunday School, don't like religious teachings, if anything a kid should just be able to believe in whatever makes the most sense for him, because that's what I did, and I'm very very happy for it. The moms who push for evolution to not be taught in schools annoys me, but the ones who do that and then push for intelligent design to be taught instead plain piss me off.
("Forced to teach gay marriage", god don't get me started. Fucking hell, California. Keep pushing 48%, keep on pushing.)
I don't like being angry at people. I don't like being angry at things. I don't like disagreement. I like agreeing and getting along, but I guess that's why I repress myself, sometimes. Because I know I'll have to accept that some people are right and some people are wrong, and that it might not all be relative- that I have to find something firm to believe in and stand for. I have to accept that I disagree with my friends on things as fundamental and universal as Life and Existence and God.
It's hard, of course, and I don't want to, but I'll have to.
I've been like talking for forever and I'm tired. I don't even know what to think anymore. Thinking about so many things makes me sad and confused and even more fucking lonely than ever. I've always felt lonely, in crowds, even among friends. So why is it so different now?
The new shrink was supposed to make an appointment with me like 3 weeks ago. My parents have called them, but to no avail. That kind of fucking sucks.
I'm done, I guess. I bet I made a million stupid typos.
Public because someone not on LJ wanted to see it.