(no subject)
I think I should be more upset than I am right now. Instead I feel pretty darn numb. I'm not angry any more....not sad. I think I should be balling my eyes out. I mean, shouldn't I feel something? Shouldn't i have some reaction to this? I guess today was just a hard day and I haven't processed any of it yet. First off, I sent off my package to Andrew. It's like my final goodbye to him. It broke me a bit, but it was long coming. He breaks my heart far too often. The second thing was today was our big domestic violence awareness event with my sorority. I had to sit there and listen to these women's stories about being abused by their husbands/boyfriends. And I couldn't help but think of them as weak. That's the kind of relationship you can control and get out of if it's abusive. I grew up in an extremely abusive home. And hearing all of those things these women were saying made me think about all the things I had to go through while growing up. How angry i am about it still. And then.....for whatever reason I thought about my brother. Maybe it's time i stop telling people that I have 3 brothers. Maybe it's about time i be honst and say I only have 2 brothers. Because that's the truth. Erik and Jake are all I have. Chad doesn't even matter now....he doesn't count at all. I bet none of you knew I have a sister-in-law. Yeah, for about 4 years now, and I have yet to meet her. I don't even know if I'm an aunt of not. I wonder if it will ever be possible to let my past go. I think it makes me less of a person. And I think it constantly rips me apart and breaks my heart. How could I ever have faith in a higher power when I'm not even whole? When I'm not even a person.