(no subject)
I can't believe it's been a month since I touched this thing. I know I promised updates, but... well, things got in the way.
I'm not exactly certain where to begin. Life here is characteristically undynamic. I feel stagnant, the same way I've felt ever since I realized that I don't like it here much. And, despite assurances that there's more to San Jose than I let myself see, I seem to have spent most of my time involved in one of two activities: working and forgetting about work.
I think it's safe to say that that reason alone is the primary cause of my dissatisfaction. All I've really cared about is working, yet I haven't enjoyed working here nearly so much as I did in Seattle. Despite the fact that I took on a larger role, it's less fulfilling, for the sole reason that I never felt like I was getting anywhere. Nothing ever really concluded or progressed, started anew, it just was, and it was endless and it was thankless and it was dreary. I've found myself practically begging a herd of apathy-laden college students just to show up to work so this or that whatsit on this or that day will happen without too many complaints. I don't wake up in the morning looking forward to things they way I used to; instead, I just wonder what problems I'll have to deal with today, for christ's sake. Can we please just not fuck up? I think it's safe to say that I'd become jaded. I'm not sure how much of that is my fault--at some point, I caved, but then, when you put in a 70-hour week and it's still just not enough, is that totally unreasonable? I challenge you to put in four consecutive 14-hour days sans "thank you," and then to find out that it didn't really mean anything, because there's still problems that have to be fixed, goddammit, and it's your fault, and then to stay bright-eyed and love your job. If you do, get me some of whatever it is you're smoking.
But as good as it might feel to rant about this, it's nothing spectacular. But I can say with no small degree of certainty that in just under two weeks, I'll be loading another moving van (though I doubt it'll be a U-haul this time) and trekking off to the Great Divide. The promotion I was interviewing for when last I updated for real is mine, and I'll be leaving behind the collective city by the bay and moving to our office in Denver. This isn't a hotel job; I'll be working for Mile-Hi's corporate HR department. Technically my position is Training and Development Admin, but there's a slew of other odds that need to be ended, mostly legal stuff with hiring and firing and whatnot. It will involve updating and writing Mile-Hi's manuals and training policies, manager advancement, plus teaching some seminars and classes now and again a few months out of the year. I leave San Jose November 17 (5 months to the day from when I got here), then it's a three-day drive to Denver, and if all goes well I'll be moving in shortly before Thanksgiving, so I can start working the following Monday. The work itself is as yet not completely defined, but it's got potential for very good things in the short- and long-term. I'm not sure which it will be for me, as I'm starting to think more and more about if and when I'll be going to back to school to finish an advanced degree.
In a way it feels something like running, again, moving on only for the sake of itself. It's gotten even more complicated because, in the time between when I interviewed for the job and today, I've met someone, and it's going to be very, very hard to leave her. But even knowing that she's alive, and that she's here, it's hard to imagine myself being happy in this position or this town. I feel bad to leave, but... I dunno. I'm at a point where I just can't help but be obsessed with my career, workaholic that I am... and besides, the money's good, and it's a much better cost of living. I still need to figure all that out--moving itself is not a whole lot of fun; I'm not looking forward to another apartment search, or to packing up this place, to say the least. But hopefully I won't be driving a U-haul this time, and I'll be able to enjoy the drive in my own vehicle at my own pace. I'm actually really looking forward to driving from here to there, to leaving the valley, crossing the desert and driving through the mountains, and I have to say that I'm looking forward to doing so on my own. I kind of need this time.
But for the time being, it's my day off, and I've got plenty of time to go out for a while. I woke up incredibly early this morning for no reason, and I went out for a drive before dawn. It was actually quite enjoyable, although I did need a nap afterwards.
Time for lunch.
I'm not exactly certain where to begin. Life here is characteristically undynamic. I feel stagnant, the same way I've felt ever since I realized that I don't like it here much. And, despite assurances that there's more to San Jose than I let myself see, I seem to have spent most of my time involved in one of two activities: working and forgetting about work.
I think it's safe to say that that reason alone is the primary cause of my dissatisfaction. All I've really cared about is working, yet I haven't enjoyed working here nearly so much as I did in Seattle. Despite the fact that I took on a larger role, it's less fulfilling, for the sole reason that I never felt like I was getting anywhere. Nothing ever really concluded or progressed, started anew, it just was, and it was endless and it was thankless and it was dreary. I've found myself practically begging a herd of apathy-laden college students just to show up to work so this or that whatsit on this or that day will happen without too many complaints. I don't wake up in the morning looking forward to things they way I used to; instead, I just wonder what problems I'll have to deal with today, for christ's sake. Can we please just not fuck up? I think it's safe to say that I'd become jaded. I'm not sure how much of that is my fault--at some point, I caved, but then, when you put in a 70-hour week and it's still just not enough, is that totally unreasonable? I challenge you to put in four consecutive 14-hour days sans "thank you," and then to find out that it didn't really mean anything, because there's still problems that have to be fixed, goddammit, and it's your fault, and then to stay bright-eyed and love your job. If you do, get me some of whatever it is you're smoking.
But as good as it might feel to rant about this, it's nothing spectacular. But I can say with no small degree of certainty that in just under two weeks, I'll be loading another moving van (though I doubt it'll be a U-haul this time) and trekking off to the Great Divide. The promotion I was interviewing for when last I updated for real is mine, and I'll be leaving behind the collective city by the bay and moving to our office in Denver. This isn't a hotel job; I'll be working for Mile-Hi's corporate HR department. Technically my position is Training and Development Admin, but there's a slew of other odds that need to be ended, mostly legal stuff with hiring and firing and whatnot. It will involve updating and writing Mile-Hi's manuals and training policies, manager advancement, plus teaching some seminars and classes now and again a few months out of the year. I leave San Jose November 17 (5 months to the day from when I got here), then it's a three-day drive to Denver, and if all goes well I'll be moving in shortly before Thanksgiving, so I can start working the following Monday. The work itself is as yet not completely defined, but it's got potential for very good things in the short- and long-term. I'm not sure which it will be for me, as I'm starting to think more and more about if and when I'll be going to back to school to finish an advanced degree.
In a way it feels something like running, again, moving on only for the sake of itself. It's gotten even more complicated because, in the time between when I interviewed for the job and today, I've met someone, and it's going to be very, very hard to leave her. But even knowing that she's alive, and that she's here, it's hard to imagine myself being happy in this position or this town. I feel bad to leave, but... I dunno. I'm at a point where I just can't help but be obsessed with my career, workaholic that I am... and besides, the money's good, and it's a much better cost of living. I still need to figure all that out--moving itself is not a whole lot of fun; I'm not looking forward to another apartment search, or to packing up this place, to say the least. But hopefully I won't be driving a U-haul this time, and I'll be able to enjoy the drive in my own vehicle at my own pace. I'm actually really looking forward to driving from here to there, to leaving the valley, crossing the desert and driving through the mountains, and I have to say that I'm looking forward to doing so on my own. I kind of need this time.
But for the time being, it's my day off, and I've got plenty of time to go out for a while. I woke up incredibly early this morning for no reason, and I went out for a drive before dawn. It was actually quite enjoyable, although I did need a nap afterwards.
Time for lunch.