Men grow old, pearls grow yellow, there is no cure for it. -Chinese Proverb-
I came to an alerted state of mind this morning feeling old. I came to this morning wishing that I have two lifetimes to get everything done in. I don't GET more then what i'm living right now, not in my current form in any case. This is it. Time is real. My time is restricted, I am but a mortal.
I just don't want to be lying on my death bed wondering what made my life fulfilling, what made this lowly mortal MATTER. Granted, having a child would in many aspects be handing my life down through them.
There just isn't enough time to learn and experience everything. It's a hopeless task, a task I still want to succeed at. What a joke. I'm hardly 18 and I feel so incredibly old. I want to finish my 8 years in college, get a steady, good paying job, all while having a husband and family. Paying off a house, taking vacations, traveling the Eastern World, teaching my child everything it means to be a good person and to have a strong sense of self. That's all hard work, and there isn't enough time in the day to accomplish all those things. A gloomy yet realistic standpoint. So, I stay up all night on the internet, soaking up as much information in my free time as possible. The sooner I learn EVERYTHING the sooner I can concentrate on actions. I understand that I will have to settle. and maybe settling shouldn't be considered such a negative thing. It's rational. But how do I have a career, one that involves intense interaction with clients and will take up a lot of my time, and raise my child? What if I miss my child's first steps because Johns hearing the voices again? I want to be there for each and every event of my childs life, but I can't be a stay at home mom. I HAVE to work. I want to be successful. When there is a role-strain, one of the roles has to give. Which will it be? I'd like to hope it'd be the job load. But when someone's emotional well-being is on a thread, you can't just say, "Sorry, your problems aren't as important as my time. Figure it out on your own. Good luck."
I have always tried to live with the aspiration to never regret anything.
What a stressor today has been. My mind is collapsing trying to figure out something I don't have a solution for, and won't have until college has yielded its benefits to me. How did my grandparents and their parents and their friends make it work? How do people juggle credit cards, house payments, fun money, child expenses, phone bills, water bills, clothes, appliances, electricity bills, car insurance, and many other monetary budgeting ALL WHILE still having time to spend with their family?! It seems mind boggling to me right now. I understand why so many people live below the poverty level. I understand why there is oppression and drug abuse. I understand why people kill themselves.
I'd like to think i'm above all that now, but how easily people regress. NO. That's not true. Only the weak minded tend to regress. I am not weak minded. I have a strong foundation of who I am and what matters to me. It's the balancing and the pressure that weigh me down. I make good choices. I don't smoke,drink or do drugs. I don't have a destructive lifestyle. I am blessed with a great immune system and great health. How, knowing what a short amount of time a "lifetime" really is, can someone breathe tar into their lungs or take a shot of poison and not be disgusted with themselves? They are limiting their time by choice, and to me that is absolutely INSANE. I want every year I can get. Even if I am old and whithered, I can still learn and BREATHE and communicate and love. I never want to die. I don't have time to die.
"Realize that now, in this moment of time, you are creating. You are creating your next moment. That is what's real."
Sara Paddison author of The Hidden Power of the Heart
I just don't want to be lying on my death bed wondering what made my life fulfilling, what made this lowly mortal MATTER. Granted, having a child would in many aspects be handing my life down through them.
There just isn't enough time to learn and experience everything. It's a hopeless task, a task I still want to succeed at. What a joke. I'm hardly 18 and I feel so incredibly old. I want to finish my 8 years in college, get a steady, good paying job, all while having a husband and family. Paying off a house, taking vacations, traveling the Eastern World, teaching my child everything it means to be a good person and to have a strong sense of self. That's all hard work, and there isn't enough time in the day to accomplish all those things. A gloomy yet realistic standpoint. So, I stay up all night on the internet, soaking up as much information in my free time as possible. The sooner I learn EVERYTHING the sooner I can concentrate on actions. I understand that I will have to settle. and maybe settling shouldn't be considered such a negative thing. It's rational. But how do I have a career, one that involves intense interaction with clients and will take up a lot of my time, and raise my child? What if I miss my child's first steps because Johns hearing the voices again? I want to be there for each and every event of my childs life, but I can't be a stay at home mom. I HAVE to work. I want to be successful. When there is a role-strain, one of the roles has to give. Which will it be? I'd like to hope it'd be the job load. But when someone's emotional well-being is on a thread, you can't just say, "Sorry, your problems aren't as important as my time. Figure it out on your own. Good luck."
I have always tried to live with the aspiration to never regret anything.
What a stressor today has been. My mind is collapsing trying to figure out something I don't have a solution for, and won't have until college has yielded its benefits to me. How did my grandparents and their parents and their friends make it work? How do people juggle credit cards, house payments, fun money, child expenses, phone bills, water bills, clothes, appliances, electricity bills, car insurance, and many other monetary budgeting ALL WHILE still having time to spend with their family?! It seems mind boggling to me right now. I understand why so many people live below the poverty level. I understand why there is oppression and drug abuse. I understand why people kill themselves.
I'd like to think i'm above all that now, but how easily people regress. NO. That's not true. Only the weak minded tend to regress. I am not weak minded. I have a strong foundation of who I am and what matters to me. It's the balancing and the pressure that weigh me down. I make good choices. I don't smoke,drink or do drugs. I don't have a destructive lifestyle. I am blessed with a great immune system and great health. How, knowing what a short amount of time a "lifetime" really is, can someone breathe tar into their lungs or take a shot of poison and not be disgusted with themselves? They are limiting their time by choice, and to me that is absolutely INSANE. I want every year I can get. Even if I am old and whithered, I can still learn and BREATHE and communicate and love. I never want to die. I don't have time to die.
"Realize that now, in this moment of time, you are creating. You are creating your next moment. That is what's real."
Sara Paddison author of The Hidden Power of the Heart