(no subject)
As i walked to class in the pouring rain this morning...I was humbled. Not in a "beneath" anyone sort of way, but in a "why be boisterous and obnoxious right now? Why not just blend perfectly into nature, never being noticed, and never wanting to be."
Every thing about what is inside of those quotes is every thing that contradicts me. A week ago you would never catch me DEAD even whispering those words..because I used to feel, and partly still understand why I'd believe in this, "WHY blend with nature when we can take what it is and build on it until we come to something so much more out of our usual limits?" We can use nature as a stepping stone to being what makes us humans. Symbolic,manipulative, problem solving humans. Something inside me changed today...something in the pit of my stomach broke free and is raising havoc in my brain. Nothing really DIED, just...uprooted and exploded into smaller pieces to be absorbed into my blood stream.
I can feel the difference, and i'm embracing it slowly to make sure I don't misinterpret anything.
It's not that I don't PREFER the way i've always been, I just feel it as a bit misguided. Being above and controlling nature is nothing to strive for...even babies can learn to accomplish that. I dont aim to change, I aim to grow. Granted, with growth comes change, but it'll happen in it's own, unforced time and place. I feel like...I understand more fully the...different aspects of everything, personality based wise. I can relate equally to the both extreme sides of the personality chart..because I AM both sides of the personality chart. I can be extroverted and function, as well as introverted and function. This wasn't so just two weeks ago. I still won't go to a movie by myself, because I feel that that is just absurd (movies are primarily a social function)...but, I appreciate the things gained out of being an introvert. Here at my college, i'm completely introverted, and surprised to find myself okay with that and not feeling that I should get out there more and meet a bunch of people. I learn so much from talking to others, communication is the great key to being human. Not everyone can go up to strangers and talk to them, ask them their life story, and just relish in the things achieved from that. I would turn being an extrovert inwards. but the whole time I feel I should have been turning an introvert outwards. This doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. That's a sign of genius they say. Hee.
It's funny, however, how I see myself in my minds eye (I love that expression) as something so different than what manifests in my everyday relations. I see myself as being quiet, reserved, and cute. You know the types, where you can tell so much is going on inside of them because of the look in their eyes, but they remain quiet, and you forever uninformed of what they're thinking about. but i'm mouthy and over-opinionated...I love being the center of a group, the entire world's a stage, and I give my best performance every day.
There was no conflict about today..just resolutions. There are so many things to turn over in my head...
I'm going home to my Julian tomorrow. Poor thing has to work until 10 but it's somebodys *clears throat* who wishes to remain anonymous and avoid the whole B-Day theme altogether, birthday tomorrow. So, that'll give me a chance to catch up with him..not like we don't spend hours upon hours on IM...(lol, the OWNED dog...and titanic singer...el oh el). It's strange how some things never really change all too much. My absense doesn't do anything. I take it in stride. I don't need the world anymore, just a few choice things stuck inside of it.
Every thing about what is inside of those quotes is every thing that contradicts me. A week ago you would never catch me DEAD even whispering those words..because I used to feel, and partly still understand why I'd believe in this, "WHY blend with nature when we can take what it is and build on it until we come to something so much more out of our usual limits?" We can use nature as a stepping stone to being what makes us humans. Symbolic,manipulative, problem solving humans. Something inside me changed today...something in the pit of my stomach broke free and is raising havoc in my brain. Nothing really DIED, just...uprooted and exploded into smaller pieces to be absorbed into my blood stream.
I can feel the difference, and i'm embracing it slowly to make sure I don't misinterpret anything.
It's not that I don't PREFER the way i've always been, I just feel it as a bit misguided. Being above and controlling nature is nothing to strive for...even babies can learn to accomplish that. I dont aim to change, I aim to grow. Granted, with growth comes change, but it'll happen in it's own, unforced time and place. I feel like...I understand more fully the...different aspects of everything, personality based wise. I can relate equally to the both extreme sides of the personality chart..because I AM both sides of the personality chart. I can be extroverted and function, as well as introverted and function. This wasn't so just two weeks ago. I still won't go to a movie by myself, because I feel that that is just absurd (movies are primarily a social function)...but, I appreciate the things gained out of being an introvert. Here at my college, i'm completely introverted, and surprised to find myself okay with that and not feeling that I should get out there more and meet a bunch of people. I learn so much from talking to others, communication is the great key to being human. Not everyone can go up to strangers and talk to them, ask them their life story, and just relish in the things achieved from that. I would turn being an extrovert inwards. but the whole time I feel I should have been turning an introvert outwards. This doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. That's a sign of genius they say. Hee.
It's funny, however, how I see myself in my minds eye (I love that expression) as something so different than what manifests in my everyday relations. I see myself as being quiet, reserved, and cute. You know the types, where you can tell so much is going on inside of them because of the look in their eyes, but they remain quiet, and you forever uninformed of what they're thinking about. but i'm mouthy and over-opinionated...I love being the center of a group, the entire world's a stage, and I give my best performance every day.
There was no conflict about today..just resolutions. There are so many things to turn over in my head...
I'm going home to my Julian tomorrow. Poor thing has to work until 10 but it's somebodys *clears throat* who wishes to remain anonymous and avoid the whole B-Day theme altogether, birthday tomorrow. So, that'll give me a chance to catch up with him..not like we don't spend hours upon hours on IM...(lol, the OWNED dog...and titanic singer...el oh el). It's strange how some things never really change all too much. My absense doesn't do anything. I take it in stride. I don't need the world anymore, just a few choice things stuck inside of it.